Last Monday saw the launch of National Chess Week, and everyone across the United Kingdom seems to have embraced it with gusto.  Kitchen flooring specialists the length of Britain are selling out of black and white tiles, while the clerks at the Deed Poll office are becoming overwhelmed with people changing their surnames to Kramnik, Kasparov and Spassky.

Cash-Converter shop staff have been stupefied by the demand for the smallest of the wooden chess pieces, but are managing to palm off lots of top-shelf magazines to the embarrassed and hard of hearing.  One estate agent reported a scuffle in a multi-ethnic community street, where a white family were outraged because the blacks next door moved first.  In another incident a Balkan man was severely beaten for making a dreadful pun about his “Czech mate”.

In homes across the country, children are being encouraged to learn the rules of the game, giving many dads the chance to look clever in front of their kids.  Streets are emptying as people sit quietly indoors around chessboards, deep in thought at making their next move.  Homeowners with garden patio slabs are busy with paint and crude woodcarvings, creating al-fresco games areas.

Even Buckingham Palace hasn’t escaped the chess-fever, where the Queen has been spotted in the courtyard rushing from one end to the other, taking a Knight by surprise.  Even the rooks have been sitting in the corners at Windsor castle.  Furthermore, the Dean of St. Paul’s Cathedral announced that he has specially rearranged all the pews so that the bishops can move diagonally for the week.

With next week’s National Twister day in the offing, GPs and hospital staff are preparing for an increase in sprained wrists, ankles and groins.