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Four For Fun Chapter One__Last Line
By remoh
01 August 2007

Four Friends.One Trip. Seven Days.


Give honest opinions please.....


                             Chapter 1
                     
                             Last Line

     "So that's it brother, It's over"
      "I guess so"
      "How was it?"
      "Who cares?"
      "Yeah".
                          That was Suhail and Sanjay walking through the lobby of their college with a feeling that they feared and loved at the same time. It was their last exam. They had been put into test for the one last time. None of them intended to do higher 
studies. So this was really "IT". This  was  the last activity they did inside that college. When the last question in  the booklet       was being answered, they were saying goodbye to the college. 

Suhail: " Four years of hard work. Those sleepless nights. God!
The pain we had to go through....."

Sanjay: "When did you go to sleep yesterday?"

Suhail:" Eight O' Clock sharp......Why did you ask?"

Sanjay:"No Reason"

"DUDE!!!"

Sanjay:"Hey PS"
                 That was PS short for Prabhakar Sajeev. You remember the guy in your school or college who cries after every exam. The one who says" Iam going to fail!!!" And you feel sad for the guy and have to give him the whole "It's just a stupid exam" talk. When the result comes he will get an A. And he will say" I dont understand, how this happened?? This is a miracle!!" That is PS for you. A genius who tends to be modest and irritates you during the whole process.

PS:"Tough exam right?"

Sanjay:"Who cares?"

PS:"Yeah  Who cares?"

Suhail:"Hey did you see Alex? Where did he go?"

Sanjay:"I dont know..."

Suhail:" Do you think...???

Sanjay:"No way...I mean ...I know he sounded pretty confident...
But I dont think he is going to do it..."

Suhail:"Let's go then..He must be somewhere around.."

PS:"Going to do what?"

Sanjay:"You go ahead. I have to return my library books."

Suhail:"OK then ..PS You coming?"

PS:"No...I have to go to the library too.."Suhail leaves the scenario.

PS:"Going to do what?"

Sanjay:"He is going to tell her"

PS:"For real?!...that's crazy...On the last day of college..?!that's crazy.....What's the point??...That's....."

Sanjay:" I know crazy...."

PS:"So....."

Sanjay:"So...??"

PS:"Nothing... I mean..."

Sanjay:"OK just go ahead and ask....I know you cant live without the pleasure of  it."

PS:"How was the exam?? I mean I thought the problems were really hard and that question about the signal flow graph....what was that.....!!"
                    
                     Let's shift our focus from that very interesting conversation to some place else.

"You talked to her, didn't you..?"

"Yes I did.."

"So what did she say?"

"I couldn't tell her."

                           This conversation was taking place between Suhail and Alex.Alex was in love with his friend Anne for the last four years. 

Suhail:"Oh man...I cant believe I lost the bet again"

Alex:"What? You had a bet with Sanjay?..."

Suhail:"Why are you so surprised? We do it all the time when you say you are going to tell her."

Alex:"Yeah...But this time it's different."

Suhail:"What is different? Alex, you have to get this done.This is consuming you my friend..For love of God...tell her.."

Alex:"I can't"

Suhail:"Why cant you? Give me one good reason"

Alex:"She is getting married."

Suhail:"So what......What did you say?"

Alex:"She is getting married"

Suhail:"Oh...When....I mean...Who..."

Alex:"It's an arranged marriage....He is a doctor...family friend..He came with his family two days ago to see her...and the next second Anne's marriage is fixed..."

Suhail:"Who told you this...?I mean this might be..."

Alex:"She told me...."

Suhail:"Oh....Man..I dont know what to say...."

Alex:"You know whenever you guys made fun of me about not being able to tell her; I thought that one day I will make a move and I will get my happy ending.....just like that...I thought she will never say no....She is my best friend ..and....Now Iam going to lose her.."

Suhail:"You can still tell her."

Alex:"No"

Suhail:"But"

Alex:"Suhail it's over...."
                   *************************

"So What do you say?"

"Sounds interesting but.."

"But what?"

"I dont think I would be able to make it."

"SuSu!! you cant do that...All of us will go to four different directions after this. This might be the last time  we are together..Please .....you have to say yes if this has to work."

"Ok..."

"Great"

"Stop calling me SuSu"

"Sure SuSu.."

                        Sanjay was right about the fact that the four friends were going into different directions. Sanjay, Alex and PS were recruited by three different I.T companies of the country during their  studies itself. While Suhail aka SuSu couldn't get a job yet and  wasn't  sure where to go next.

Sanjay:"Alex here is the plan. There is a festival in our temple next week. It's in my village. It's a beautiful place. My grandparents live their. We will stay with them and blast for one week. What do you say ?"

Alex:"No"

Sanjay:"Oh come on Alex"

Alex:"No"

Sanjay:"Alex even PS is excited about this. He is always scared about taking these trips. But he gets the importance of this. This is the last...."

Alex:"No."

Sanjay:"But"

Alex:"No matter what you say, my answer is no."

Sanjay:"Ok then.If a girl is more important then I wont say anything more."

Alex:"You know that's not true..."

Sanjay:"No I get it..Good Bye brother"
               ***************************

"What's with the bags"

"Oh..This one has my clothes which I wear outside the house.This one has what I  wear inside the house...and this one contains books"

"Books?? You brought books ?? "

"Yeah fiction."

"We are only staying there for a week."
"What's your point?"

"Just put the bags inside the car"

                        Suhail and Sanjay were in PS's home and they were all set to leave to Sanjay's Village, Ponmudi. Sanjay's father  Bhaskar  was the son of a farmer and they lived in a large old house which was built some hundred years ago. Sanjay's father left the village a long time ago and started living in a town. When Sanjay was around ten years old  there  was a dispute between his father and grandfather. After which Bhaskar never visited his father. Eventhough Sanjay never broke the relationship and Bhaskar allowed his son to visit them in holidays.
Sanjay had come many a times with his mother to Ponmudi to see his grandparents. 
 
Sanjay:"All Set?"

PS:"Oh Yes"

Sanjay:"What's with the bags  PS?"

Suhail:"Dont ask..."

Sanjay:"So let's go then"

PS:"This is so exciting.This is the first time Iam doing something like this you know."

Suhail:"Dude"

PS:"Not cool??"

Suhail:"No"

PS:"Ok then stop me when I  say stuff like this you know........ because you know... once I get excited I ......."

Suhail:"Dude"

PS:"I will stop now"
                       At that moment Sanjays Mobile phone started ringing.
Sanjay:"Hello"
          :"Seriously???!!"
          :"No No No..We are at PS's house ....We were just about to leave. You can keep the bike at his house...It's ok..Just come here quickly.."

         :Ok then"

Suhail:"So...??"

Sanjay:"Alex is coming"

Suhail:"Oh yes!!!! This trip would have been a disaster without him...!"

PS:"A disaster??"

Suhail:"Because you know three of us always go together ...and he is a really fun guy during these trips...."

PS:"Yeah you are right...This is so cool...Four Guys on a journey to change their destiny...."

Suhail:"Dude"

PS:"Wish  we had a dog with us"

Sanjay:"A dog??"

PS:"Then we would be like 'Famous Five'!!!The Five go to a trip together!! Cool right??"

Sanjay:"You still read famous five??"

PS: "Sometimes I do. I mean I have read all the titles..But I like to read them again"

Suhail:"Dude! that is  lame!!!!"

PS:"Do you think I am the only twenty year old male in the world who still reads Famous Five??"

Suhail:"You wanna answer that"

Sanjay:"No I think I will pass"
    ****************************************
                                                            
                                                      to be continued:
                                                               
                                                  NEXT:The Trip Begins

 























Reviews
Good foundation; needs furnishing
Written by andybyers (171 comments posted) 2nd August 2007
Hi, Remoh, 
 
You’ve definitely got the groundwork for an interesting story here. It’s all the more intriguing because it’s outside the experience of people like me (I’m Canadian) and most of the people on Great Writing (who are for the most part British). A story set in India, familiar to the English-speaking world but with its different interpersonal dynamics and vast cultural and historic uniqueness, has the potential to be compelling far beyond India’s borders. 
 
I think you’d be wise to keep the story tightly focused on just a few people. Sanjeev, PS, Suhail, Sanjay, and Alex might be more than you need right off the bat to enable you to move ideas back and forth, fill people in on the details, bring up things from the past, and so on. Three, maybe four, will suffice starting out; you can always introduce new characters as the first few spread out to different locations. More than that, for the most part, and you risk confusing folks. The similarity of names, too, was a little confusing; you might at least consider renaming a couple of the guys whose names begin with “S”. 
 
Two things I think you might consider to improve the work are the pacing and the narrative style. In a way, they’re kind of related to each other… 
 
Your narrative style is unusual; it seems to waver back and forth from being a novel to being a play. It reminds me a little of the movie Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, where from time to time the action stops, literally, so that the narrator can interject exposition. Sometimes it’s necessary, but I feel that such interruptions are distracting. Long passages of your story are driven only by dialog. Nothing happens. The characters don’t move, they don’t interact with their environment; details useful to setting the scene such as how they’re dressed, where they are, what the weather is like, etc., are overlooked, and it makes it harder to visualize. What do PS, Sanjeev, and Alex look like, for that matter? What would distinguish one from another? All those are things I would like to know; things I need to know to immerse me in the story and bring it to life. 
 
I think you often (but not always) use the expository passages in manner that hampers rather than helps the story. For instance, the second passage describes PS as a pessimist. But that’s imbedded in dialog that could have established that more naturally… PS could simply have complained about how hard he found the test and Sanjeev and Suhail could have reminded him he always says that and he always passes. On the other hand, later on in the chapter when you describe Ponmudi, I think that’s a more appropriate use of exposition because it would be very difficult to establish it as a setting just using dialog and action. 
 
On the whole, I found the chapter too brisk. I personally would have enjoyed it more if it were more leisurely, if the characters did and thought and noticed things between comments that helped me imagine the scene. I feel your first chapter would more naturally end with Alex and Sanjay say good-bye, and your second begins with them preparing on the journey, though I think that would need to be fleshed out substantially. Something has to happen there that drives the plot. If you work on setting the scene, describing what’s going on in the minds of these guys (or at least the things they’re doing that hint at what they’re thinking about), I think you’ll offer your readers a richer experience. 
 
Thank you for inviting me to comment on your first chapter. I hope my opinions will be of some help to you as you go forward.

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