I can do stupid verse no problem - but struggle big time with anything approaching serious poetry. I've not gone for loads of figurative language in this, although there are quite a few references. I know exactly what I mean, but have not spelled it out. Unsure about the last word.
Those of you who understand poetry: feel free to tell me where I've gone wrong - in the severest of terms.
Butt naked
Butt naked they came
into the world
and
butt naked they enter
the showers.
Twelve men, good and true.(ish)
A few hundred years between them;
they stand in their experience
and innocence,
brought together in natural
brotherhood.
Swearing,
commiserating,
farting,
joking,
laughing.
Dressed, they leave;
Shackled once more
To the week ahead.
(Ending changed - many thanks to Sue.)
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Written by Fledermaus (4146 comments posted) 1st August 2007 |
| Uhm... I haven't got a clue what this about, perhaps mainly caused by that last word indeed. Sorry Phil. |
Written by Truce (36 comments posted) 1st August 2007 |
I like this, my favourite line would be "twelve men, good and true.(ish)" don't know why but that stuck. As for the meaning, it sounds like they escaped their responsibilities for a while and were just able to be and possibly be accepted without having to try and pull anything off. Not having to hide any part of who they are (quite literally in some ways i guess). Don't really understand poetry so can't help there, sorry. As for the shackled, i think if you took it away you wouldn't convey as much. It carries alot of your meaning i think...
Liked it alot
Sophie |
Written by fellpony (2924 comments posted) 1st August 2007 |
The only bit I didn't get was the "five hundred years between them" ... unless this is the history of the game they've been playing, they must be a bit long in the tooth.
Re your question about the last word, I'd link the idea to the dressing - something like:
they dress
and leave,
shackled once more
to the week ahead
I liked this as a kind of distillation of changing room camaraderie. |
Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 1st August 2007 |
Thanks Fledermaus and Sophie.
Thanks Sue. Like your suggestion and will probably change. Five hundred years, just their collective ages - more or less. Perhaps its specificness throws readers off the trail. |
yes
Written by fellpony (2924 comments posted) 1st August 2007 |
I got the idea of the five hundred years being shared between them - but had not realised their average age would be as old as 41. Sorry Phil - I know you're in your 41st year. Amateur sportsmen never die, they just turn into coaches.
I think you're right - it's being so specific that puzzles. They could be any age - and that would make the poem stronger. |
Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 1st August 2007 |
Thanks again. Will change, but not leave out. For me, their age is quite important. I didn't really write this about young guns, more about those of us who are more settled into ourselves and our lives.
Surprisingly, or maybe not, at 41 I'm the youngest in my five-a-side group. Or rather, I was. I reckon my footballing days are over.
Appreciate your advice Sue. Thanks. This has been through four complete rewrites already and wouldn't be recognised by reading the first effort. Only 'butt naked' remains. I'm more than happy to tinker.
Phil
Phil. |
i nitpic...
Written by patterjack (1927 comments posted) 1st August 2007 |
Twelve good men and true took me straight to the jury room , with an old cliche -- but the jury that I sat on once long ago did not shower together ( fortunately ) .
Ok-- so sporting teams as i read on : not Rugby Union (15 ); not Rugby League (13) ; Not cricket (11); unless you take in the 12th man ;not Soccer unless you take in one sub or the coach !
But it's old an men's team , so I suppose you could fiddle the numbers and the 500 years was easy enough to pick up on -- but now I see you have worked the changes on 5 a side . Otherwise I was confused .
Not sure of the total relevance of coming into the world *butt naked*
Nevertheless I think you have directly caught the team thing very well , and that is the good really good thing about the poem -- its directness is its best quality , and I enjoyed it
One of truce's statements also appealed to my dirty mind
patterjack |
Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 1st August 2007 |
| Thanks Brian. There were a few ruderies in there - I thought! |
Written by gedbackland (24 comments posted) 1st August 2007 |
Hi Phil
Many thanks for your comments on my shorts - much appreciated. I'm rubbish at proofing but am working on it, I write the shoerts as I hear them, in a rush and type away.
Liked the image this gives (having played Sunday League football)
but would leave out
A few hundred years between them;
they stand in their experience
and innocence,
I think it's stronger without these three lines
loved
Dressed they leave
shackled to the week ahead
but wonder whether you could add a line evoke a the reader with a described smell here, as my memory as we all left the changing room was the bun fight between the aftershaves and the lynx that when mixed smelt like Joan Collins's knicker draw, just a thought.
Ged |
Hi Phil
Written by jean.day (2908 comments posted) 2nd August 2007 |
I liked this, but wondered after reading all the comments, what the original was like.
The line that got me nobody else seems to have commented on - shackled to the week ahead - I get the impression that for these men, the weekend football is their most important thing. Their jobs and families and the rest of their lives take second place to this male ritual which is probably as much about friendship as it is about sport. The being naked together is a sort of bond for them. They can be their true selves with these other men which they have to hide when they are in polite society. Maybe I am reading too much into it. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 2nd August 2007 |
Iquite like your stupid verse. I can understand it and it makes me laugh. I've noticed that poetry often goes out of it's way to be obtuse and vague in it's meaning, and I'm not sure to what purpose and in trying to write a "serious" poem you too take that route. If this had been short story or non fiction piece you would have gone for clarity in telling.Perhaps you feel that is how to write serious poetry. Not really a crit just a thought I had as I read.I think "stupid verse" is as valid as "non stupid" verse,it has it's place and you do it so well
Funny stuff,poetry
Jane P.S I suppose you've guessed I didnt really get it
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Beware!
Written by Talisker (1367 comments posted) 2nd August 2007 |
A naked man is like the sun.
One should never look directly at him with unprotected eyes.
ON NO ACCOUNT view a man in his nakedness through binoculars or a telescope!
Also, like the sun, if you see more than one naked man at a time, you are clearly delirious!
Oli |
Written by alandavidpritchard (61 comments posted) 25th August 2008 |
I like the pun on butt ...it foreshadows the ending well
and as, a gay man, any poem about naked men in showers is bound to appeal ..hee hee
nice one phil
al |
Written by Lizzy (970 comments posted) 26th August 2008 |
Just found this Phil, I'm not sure if it's rewriting since original posting but (I think) I got it straight off, although I have never had personal experience of such communal bathing. I think us 'ladies' prefer our privacy.
Good one enjoyed.
Lizzy
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