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Poetry
The Nameless Face
By Kay2zed
02 August 2007

Where had I seen that ugly face?
Where had the nameless face burned my desire?
When the gusty wind stormed into his home and hearth
Nobody stoked the fire
Nobody cared to listen to his songs of the soul
He sailed across the grimy river all alone.

He breathed fire in his outstretching silence
When I tried to pray for him
He sat through the night looking at the expanse of darkness
His ugly face sparkled in the firefly
Nobody cared to look at the raging bull with his swelling stomach
He just sat through the night
Alone, all alone.

That nameless face, his auburn body
I can still see them all in my forgotten images
How can I deny his insistence?
I know his sons had left him for the other world
They will never come back
He alone bore the burden of his destiny.


I am just a humble poet...

Reviews

Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 4th August 2007
I've come back to this about four times. Not for the want of trying - I can't seem to connect with this at all. 
 
Phil.
humble or not
Written by fellpony (1647 comments posted) 5th August 2007
I got a little out of this - an old man dying by a fireside? But i want to know: who is he? what relationship does he bear to the narrator? 
 
However, there were some words which I could not connect, such as "face sparkled in the firefly"; "That nameless face, his auburn body". Eg, If he was nameless, how did you know him well enough to know his sons had left him? why did you pray for him? why is his body auburn? 
 
I think this would improve with a rewrite. A few more hints to the reader would pull the poem that is in here up to the light; at the moment it is a little too much of a puzzle.  
 
After that, read it aloud and try to hear where the rhythms of the language work, and where they feel clumsy - and do something with the clumsy bits. I think you can do this, and the work will come clear of its obscurity.  
 
PS you wrote your poem in the author's intro box and your intro in the work box. Lots of newbies do; it's confusing I know, so don't worry.

Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 5th August 2007
Meaning too concealed for me in deliberately flowery and "faux-poetic" language. 
 
Perhaps typical of those poets who try to run before mastering the toddle?  
 
Sue's words are sage. I would attempt a rewrite, perhaps concentrating more on the function than the form - i.e. get the nuts and bolts right - then add the polish. 
 
Oli :)

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