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By remoh
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03 August 2007 |
My first attempt on poetry....DO comment
She is not as cute
as many are;
I haven't seen
Her eyes so far.
She wore a mask
To hide herself
One day she smiled at me,
And I lost myself.
I talked to her
She talked to me
I saw her words were
Just like pearls
I was falling deeply
For this girl.
But now she doesn't look at me
She told me that it wasn't meant to be.
But in my heart there is still that chime;
She will be yours give it some time.
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Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 4th August 2007 | Rhymes and rhythms a little ragged here. It was okay - perhaps a little teenage in theme - but perhaps you are.
I think you need a poet to comment.
Phil. |
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 4th August 2007 | Incidentally, regarding your comment in the intro bar. Commenting is a two-way process. Just checked your profile - no reviews made so far. The more you involve yourself in the whole community -ie/reviewing others as well as simply posting and sitting back, the more reviews you will receive. To be clear - I'm not fishing for you to review me - just pointing out that you should be involved in the reviewing process generally.
Phil |
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 5th August 2007 | Teenage angsty.
But by no means the worst offering of this type.
Shows some promise - look forward to reading more.
I underline Phil's words - reviewing is a double sided coin - it is as important to give as to receive.
Oli  |
Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 6th August 2007 | Hmm...this is sweet, has a nice ring to it....sort of a transformation from love to obsession...And i will too reflect the same sentiments as Talisker and Phil...GW is all about give and take...Keep writing.
Regards,
TT | She
Written by Josie (2844 comments posted) 31st August 2007 | | I liked your poem very much and it opened my eyes to many things. "Wearing a mask to hide herself". I have to say that I always feel very sorry that girls ever do this. I know it is part of their beliefs, but it was God who gave us the faces we have. We should not need to hide them. Only my personal belief. Now for your poem: I did like the way that you did it. You tentatively and hesitatingly bring in the subject of how you were drawn to the girl behind the veil, and how you felt because she talked to you, you felt she liked you too. Then, as you see the situation change, you change the rhythm of your poem accordingly. Really well done, and done at the appropriate place. I don't think it was teenage angst - only mistaken messages. So now you must believe that when girls speak to you sweetly, it is not a sign of "love". ha ha. I'm just glad when people speak sweetly to me anyway! ha ha. Keep up your writing. |
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