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Not News
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| The Blair Snitch Project | |
| By andybyers | ||||||||
| 06 August 2007 | ||||||||
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I came across this recently, written in the fall of 2002 before the war in Iraq began and quite a while before the Downing Street Memo came to light. But then, who didn't know? Everybody but Tony, I guess. Good luck in your new job, Tony... don't take any wooden nickels (I'm assuming he's getting paid in American funds...). Blair puts foot in it putting finger on it (LNA) LONDON - Prime Minister Tony Blair rose in the House of Commons today to make his case for British involvement in a campaign against Iraq. With polls showing 45% of the British public resolutely opposed to military action, Blair's speech had the potential to make or break the case for American hegemony over the entire universe. Naturally, Blair gave it his level best. “I have in my hand the proof that Saddam Hussein is engaging in crash programs to produce weapons of mass destruction,” said Blair, “including chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons. It is solid. It is conclusive. And most of all, it is secret. Therefore, I can't show it to you.” When challenged by the Opposition, and even some members of his own government, to publicize the information, Blair again rose and remarked, “Mr. Speaker, I'm afraid I really cannot reveal the contents of this dossier. British Intelligence went to a lot of trouble to gather this secret evidence, and they made me promise not to tell.” When pressed further, Blair again rose, and launched into a defense of his refusal to disclose the evidence. “Mr. Speaker, I ask these honourable members why they cannot accept on pure faith the evidence they clearly see before them,” he said, again holding up the unmarked file. “Why will they not accept for a fact those things that I cannot show them, but which they can plainly see? Clear, obvious, and utterly unrepeatable proof that Saddam is in possession of chemical and biological weapons, and that he is working on, or attempting to buy, fissionable materials. And that he may even be in communication with alien races to purchase a machine capable of causing all the hats in the world to simultaneously blow off, with the manifest plan to take over the world while Western soldiers are busy scrambling after their service caps. Mr. Speaker, why cannot some members see that this man must be stopped now? “Mr. Speaker, I ask the Opposition, where would we be today if Jack Kennedy had carelessly produced conclusive proof that the Russians were placing missiles in Cuba? It might have led to thinking, and thinking only muddles issues, leading to such problems as peaceful solutions that don't enable us to road test our latest weapons systems. The danger of such indiscretion is clear to me, Mr. Speaker. And think of the cost. What was required to secure spotty, blurry photos of a sensitive nature in 1962? A few overflights of enemy occupied, SAM-laden territory. What was a stake then? A few cheap planes and a handful of human lives. Only men. Today, sophisticated spy satellites worth billions of pounds! Clearly, we cannot afford the risk. The members of this house and the British public will simply have to accept that the contents of this file are proof,” concluded the Prime Minister, who continued to wave the dossier around until a copy of Noddy Rides a Choo-Choo fell out of it, at which point the Prime Minister remarked, “Whoops, wrong dossier.” When asked by the Opposition exactly why he feared revealing the details of the investigation, Blair countered, “Mr. Speaker, this information has been deemed officially secret. And why?… And why?… Because… Because if Saddam knew what we know, he might attempt to do something sneaky. That's why. Yes, he might attempt to hide the weapons we know he has. Suppose these weapons of mass destruction are so secret that not even Saddam knows he has them? And then suppose he finds out he has them thanks to indiscretion in the British government? Well, won't some members of this house feel like right Charlies then! This is why official secrets exist. Because what will happen when he knows that we know that he knows, that we know that he knows, that we… that he… uhh… umm… But anyway, it is to protect the secrecy of this information that I announce before the world on television that I cannot reveal this information, which under no circumstances can Saddam be allowed to know we may or may not have… but of course, we do have it. Honestly, we do.” It was at this point that the Tony Blair mask dropped away from the Prime Minister's face, revealing him to actually be former Prime Minister (now Baroness) Margaret Thatcher, who blushed, demurely excused herself, and walked briskly from the chambre. The whereabouts of Mr. Tony Blair, assuming he actually exists, are currently unknown, and believed to be a secret of British Intelligence. Other British Intelligence coups: • an elderly Arctic hermit who annually breaks-and-enters millions of homes worldwide in furtherance of a communist doctrine of wealth redistribution • a demented, likely rabid rabbit that forces chocolate on children every spring, possibly at the direction of a foreign power • a fiend who steals the precious lost teeth of children from their secure hiding places under pillows, replacing them with 50p No evidence of any of these threats, photographic or otherwise, is yet forthcoming from British Intelligence, who cite reasons of national security.
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