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Not News
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| CDN Target List a hoax | |
| By andybyers | ||||||||||
| 06 August 2007 | ||||||||||
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Written circa 2002, about the same time as The Blair Snitch Project. State Dept. insider: CDN target list a hoax (LNA) WASHINGTON - A member of the U.S. State Department, speaking under promise of anonymity, has revealed that the Department's recently published list of potential terrorist targets in Canada is a fake. “It was decided by people higher up in the Department that Canada wasn't really on-side. It was hanging back and not doing all it could to defend truth, justice, and the American way. So as a result, it was decided that something had to be done to shake Canadians out of their complacency,” the State Dept. insider said. “Initially, it was our intention to announce that Al Qaeda had targeted every Tim Horton's Donuts shop, hockey arena, and beer retail outlet across the country,” he said. “But we decided that even Canadians weren't dumb enough to swallow that. And besides, Tim Horton's is owned by Wendy's now, and we didn't want to do anything that would adversely affect American profits, not even to intimidate an ally. So the issue became coming up with a list of targets Canadians would believe.” The problem, however, was a lack of knowledge. “Nobody knew that much about Canada,” the State Dept. insider admitted. “I mean, everyone knew there were a bunch of Frenchmen and Eskimos running around in the snow up there, but not much else. We weren't sure what to put on the list that would rouse the regular people, and their leaders, like, say, the Duke of Toronto or the Princess of Quebec. But luckily, one of the people in the Department had third cousin who had recently honeymooned in Canada, and she brought in some of his travel brochures, and there we had it: our list. Anything Canadians were so proud of that they'd want tourists to visit. After that, it was a piece of cake. We knew the list had legs, and that it was one that Canadians were dumb enough to swallow.” Clearly, it was to be a learning experience on both sides of the border. “I have to say, we were surprised to find out there were tall buildings and highways in Canada, just like in America,” said the insider. “Who knew? Live and learn, I guess.” Queried as to his reasons for coming forward, the insider said, “Because I think it's beneath America's dignity to have to lie to get what we want. We're big and powerful! We should be able to tell everyone else what to do, and they should just do it. We shouldn't have to talk to other people to get our way, just bomb them. Then they'll love and respect us, in the same way children learn to adore a strict but loving father who beats them unconscious with his belt every night. Then all this terrorism will end.” When asked if this indicated that he supported President Bush's initiative to attack Iraq, the insider said, “Of course. Iraq is flouting several U.N. resolutions. We can't just allow countries to ignore the United Nations!” When asked what the United States would do if the U.N. prohibited the use of force against Iraq, the insider said, “We'll probably just ignore them.” The insider ended the interview by saying, “Incidentally, just because the list is fake, doesn't mean Canadians should be complacent. The State Department has compiled a real list of targets at threat within Canada, and a list of cities where Canadians are most at risk of experiencing a terrorist attack. People have to be informed if they're going to live in fear. That's the only way to be free.” A list of the most likely Al Qaeda targets in Canada, as compiled by the U.S. State Department: 1) The U.S. Embassy, Ottawa, Ontario 2) The U.S. Consulate, Toronto, Ontario 3) The U.S. Consulate, Montreal, Quebec 4) The U.S. Consulate, Vancouver, British Columbia 5) The U.S. Consulate, Calgary, Alberta 6) The U.S. Consulate, Quebec City, Quebec 7) The U.S. Consulate, Halifax, Nova Scotia 8) Salmon Rushdie's secret chalet in Punkydoodles Corners, Ontario 9) The U.S. Consulate, Winnipeg, Manitoba 10) Windsor, Ontario (may be hit by debris from Detroit) A list of cities in which Canadians are most at risk of Al Qaeda terrorist attack: 1) New York 2) Washington 3) Miami 4) Orlando 5) Las Vegas 6) Los Angeles 7) Bali 8) Myrtle Beach 9) Detroit 10) Windsor (may be hit by debris from Detroit)
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