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By remoh
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07 August 2007 |
Little Girl:
"I look outside and
I see the sky.
Iam so happy
you may ask me why.
Yes! My Dad is coming
home today.
He is flying to be
with me day after day.
I look up at the blue sky
once again
Somewhere in the sky
there will be that plane.
I never liked a plane more before...
To impress my Dad I completed all my chores."
Dad:
I was sitting in the plane
thinking about my angel.
Anne was her name
and yes she is my angel.
None of my demons
Existed anymore.
Thanks to my daughter
Now I could breath more.
Suddenly there was a
loud gunfire.
I saw two eyes
with lots of fire.
There was a masked face
in the plane.
I recognised his eyes
I had caused him pain.
He was holding us
As hostages..
I prayed to God
Like I haven't prayed for ages.
But his eyes found me....
He recognised me........
'It's you... hijacking this plane
was God's will'
'Jacob, I have changed now
Please don't kill.''
'You deserve no mercy
You deserve no chance'
He pressed the trigger with
His unforgiving hands.
Little Girl:
'I look outside
And I see the sky
Iam so happy
You may ask me why."
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Written by Phil (6681 comments posted) 7th August 2007 | I liked how you contrasted the two parts of this - it was a good idea. However, the rhymes sounded forced and over powered the rest of the words. Also, it seemed words were chosen because they rhymed, not because they were the words you'd have chosen otherwise. I'm not much of a poet, so my advice should taken with care. Personally, in a piece like this, I'd forget about rhyme to start with and try to get the tone right first. Phil |
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