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For Children


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DEAD VENGEANCE - PROLOGUE

By prodigy

08 August 2007

DEAR READERS,
WELCOME TO A NEW WORLD , DRAMUS.
IN A SMALL TOWN CALLED TWILIGHRA, A 15 YEAR OLD BOY IS IN HIS SMALL AND STUFFY HOUSE , UNAWARE THAT THIS NIGHT WOULD CHANGE HIS LIFE.
HE WAKES UP IN THE HOSPITAL TO FIND THAT HE HAS LOST HIS MEMORY OF WHAT HAPPENED THE OTHER NIGHT.
READ ON.
(THIS IS THE PROLOGUE SO EXPECT IT TO BE SHORT)
- PRODIGY

DEAD VENGEANCE
PROLOGUE

"Is he awake?"
"Is he alive?"
"Yes he is."
"Oh look! he's opening his eyes!"
        These were the voices Will Greyfoot , the 15 year old boy heard from his
hospital bed. Why was he in the hospital???
He had no idea.
As his eyes opened, he saw a young woman (the nurse) and a Doctor standing near the foot of the bed.
"Are you alright?" , the Doctor, who's name was Charles Bond (Will saw it on his badge) .
"Yeah. I'm fine."  ,Will sat up on his bed.He felt strange , as if something bad had happened but he did not remember.
Strangely , he did not remember ANYTHING that happened the other night.
Except for one strange thing - A scream. A ear-piercing scream and then an image of
a strange creature , it was blurry , a monster , with clothes.
         Will needed to know the truth. "What happened last night ? What?"
Charles Bond did not respond , and walked out of the room with the nurse.
Another nurse came in , kept a few pills on the table and said,
"Have the pink ones now and the blue ones after an hour. There's a glass of water on the table at the end of the room."
She left hastily , as if she was trying to escape Will's questions.
Enough is enough , thought Will , I need to know what happened!
              He hobbled out of the room slowly , as he discovered there was plaster on his feet.
He had a look at his room number . It was 28.
As he walked out he overheard two doctors discussing,
"Who's that boy in room 28?"
"That's Will Greyfoot.15. His family members - parents , grandparents , were found murdered in his house. Will was unconscious.It's quite a strange case."

    Will gasped , It just couldn't be true!!!

Reviews

Written by Fledermaus (3285 comments posted) 8th August 2007

A pretty grave subject for a childrens' story. But then, J.K.Rowling did it too, so it might work. I don't know how this is going to continue, but is it smart to give away so much in the prologue?

Written by Ravenson (7 comments posted) 9th August 2007

It's REALLY short. I was expecting alot more than that. Certainly sets up the start to an interesting story without any messing about but I reckon if you're telling a story from Will's point of view then these events would take alot longer to play out. Might be worth bringing in some other senses to give us a feeling of the hospital, maybe touch and smell. The subject matter would suggest at least an age group of double figures and they can take, and would probably want, more description. The reveal at the end is a big one, make it work for you and get some tension out of it. Push the mystery as far as you can.
Sorry I'm being so critical, it's not that I don't think it's any good, just don't want you selling your story short.

Written by prodigy (22 comments posted) 9th August 2007

Actually,I am making this kinda less complicated so that the kids who don't read much stay hooked and don't get bored.
By the way ,I hope you know I am an 11 year old!

Written by fatmonica (4 comments posted) 14th August 2007

Hi Prodigy.
This is a very exciting introduction to what sounds like a great story.
It's written about Will,fand the story unfolds from Will's point of view.

Will Greyfoot , the 15 year old boy heard from his
hospital bedQuote:

As Will overhears the doctor later in the story saying Will Greyfoot is 15, I don't think you need to put it here.

"Are you alright?" , the Doctor, who's name was Charles Bond (Will saw it on his badge) .

Quote:

Instead of explaining in brackets how Will knew the doctor's name,maybe include it in the sentence.

a young woman (the nurse)

Quote:

Instead of saying the nurse in brackets,why not just say a young nurse.

I think this might tighten up the writing a bit,and give the information you want to give without being too obvious about it.

Would love to read more.

FM

Written by prodigy (22 comments posted) 14th August 2007

IM SURPRISED SOMEONE ACTUALLY CONGRATULATED ME!!!

Written by fatmonica (4 comments posted) 15th August 2007

I don't know why you're surprised!
I hope you keep going with this.

FM

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