A brick-shaped satellite floated leisurely about, taking little notice of the cluster of atoms glittering behind it. The satellite, feeling tired and sluggish, beamed a signal down to earth to complain about something silly. This was its purpose.

If it's hot. It sends a signal. If it's cold. It sends a signal. If it's leap year, if the sun stops, if it's Dana in accounting's birthday, it sends a signal. The scientists who created this satellite based its computer program on the theory that states an infinite amount of chimpanzees with an infinite amount of typewriters would eventually type up the complete works of Shakespeare. Basically, they gave the computer an infinite amount of variables that said, "if something changes, then complain." ("complain" being millions of mathematical equations that are sent to millions of freelance mathematicians ("freelance mathematicians" being unemployed teachers) who would translate the binary into something slightly more interesting). At the moment, the satellite was considerably irritated because the universe was moving a few light years faster than it should have been. It reacted to this by taking several wallet-sized photos of itself and sending them to Steve Buscemi.

With this, The Universe lurched like a stick-shift car at the hands of a student driver. It laughed violently for a moment, expanding at great intervals then heaved and expanded with the clarity of a six-thousand dollar television set. The Hubble Telescope postponed its pictures of the Grawberry Nebula because it had moved out of its lenses. It loitered around the galaxy for a few minutes then tried to find a bus station and some change.

The universe was billowing with anger. A great black hole, in fact, the greatest of black holes, the one that gave birth to the universe itself, had come out of its 18 billion year slumber. This gave The Universe approximately 18 billion years to think it was boss.

Black holes, which have the ability to vacuum up light, were, by most crappy scientists, classified as light-speed plus one vacuums. The only way for The Universe to avoid collapsing on itself and facing oblivion was to move faster - classified by even poorer quality scientists as light speed plus two.

The Universe wondered how long he could keep it up, but then remembered: "I am the ruler of worlds!" he roared. "I am the ruler of solar systems! Galaxies!" It laughed and shook, stretching itself away from the vacuum more and more. "There is no being greater than I," it proclaimed. The Universe rumbled and gorgled and continued to expand, popping a few galaxies out on the way. The Universe was about to share its omnibusness to the void in front of it but stopped short when he saw himself just a few light minutes away, coming right at him.

The ruler of worlds, galaxies, and solar systems froze. Someone in Starbucks spilled their coffee on their leg. A humanoid had a baby. A new sun appeared in the Grawberry Nebula. These things were insignificant. The Universe called out to itself, the universe barreling towards him. As it came closer he noticed some differences. Galaxies in different places, slightly ragged edges, things that spun the wrong way.

The Universe forced itself not to move. The black hole continued to pull on him, but he somehow managed to calculate his speed and momentum to stop completely and float. He was like a manual car on a hillside with the driver pushing halfway down on the clutch and halfway down on the accelerator. The Universe spent two or three seconds wondering why he related so well to manual cars.

He stared suspiciously at the thing barreling towards him. He called out again but he knew that thing in front of him didn't have time to stop. The Universe cringed and braced for impact. He began to feel foolish when it was nearly upon him. Time slowed because he ordered it to, and he was able to see, just for a moment, not just himself, but the entire multiverse. A wave of energy went through him. He forced himself to contemplate everything as it was, but could not accept the sheer size of it. It was universe after universe streaming together, up, down, around, curved, bent, male, female, red, green, big, small, fish-shaped...everywhere.

Infinity.

Insignificance.

At this moment The Universe went silly. Bananas. Barking mad. His life flashed before his eyes. First there was nothing, then there was an explosion. The heat enveloped him. An orange maelstrom of fiery confetti gave birth to him. His first birthday. His second. His third. His 18 billionth. It was six Earth days away till his next birthday. The thing, the other Universe, coming towards him was like the tidal waves that wiped out the dinosaurs on Earth. He remembered Earth. He created the tidal wave to see their faces, the dinosaurs' stupid, smiling faces. They stood in front of the wave, unmoving, accepting their fate. Now he was here, watching this other Universe do the same to him. He watched and accepted his fate.

Twelve seconds later the Universe came to an end.

The other Universe pulled over and made sure it hadn't run over somebody's dog.