First become the leader of a highly influential and technologically innovative country - preferably America, Germany, or Japan. If it is the Germany or Japan, take intensive courses in their respective languages. It will help you in the long term. Whichever country you become leader of, you must call the remaining two on the telephone and become buddies. This is very important.

            When they ask you about the future tell them about peace, taking quotes directly from The Giving Tree. Although this children's book is not completely relevant, it will reinforce the value of sharing, a trait you want in allies. This is a good time to ask for oil. Don't forget to mention that even Tolstoy tended to favor the latter part of his book titles.

            When they ask you your thoughts on globalization change the subject to something cute your dog did today, or yesterday, or tomorrow, depending on the time zone. You are not ready to tell them about globalization. It is still a monster in your mind, scratching the metal prison bars of your skull. Despite how much you hate the sound of scraping metal, you are not ready to release it. They cannot hear it and neither can you.

            Become a great leader. Not only do you inspire the people of your own country, but you inspire those of many others. Peacefully annex all the third world countries that you can, the newer the better. The western borders of Russia tend to be available on the weekends. Call them on a Thursday to give them time to buy a new dress.

Build schools, theatres, big marble buildings with statues of you looming over the town square, smiling gently. Make the people feel loved. They will cry when your dog dies. Come up with an amazing social security plan. Put it into action and watch the people frolic.

            China feels jealous. You tell China that this is only a natural feeling and that they should cultivate it, learn from it. Be friendly. Smile at China like the retarded kid on the bus. Invite China to your important meetings. Be casual. Let China feel wanted.

            Now you will begin to have internal conflicts. There will be a few office revolutionists trying to psychologically ambush you. Learn martial arts. Make sure they teach you how to defend yourself from disgruntled government workers. Learn to parry three ring binders. Learn how to counter a gun attack. You think guns are more dangerous than three ring binders. Talk to your statistics commission to make sure. Ask them to do a poll on the comparison between three ring binders and firearms and their predisposition to violence.

            Firearms will win.

            Take things a step further: outlaw guns. Set up white tents on every street corner that buy guns for twice their value. Make sure you have refreshments readily available. Don't forget to include cream cheese with the bagels. Invite China to join you but make sure they have an easy excuse escape route. They might feel obligated to say yes when they'd rather be doing something different. You run the most powerful country in the world.

            The Chinese say "no thank you." They are busy making another spaceship. Tell them, "Hey, by the way, would you like to come to our next international meeting?" and do not give them an easy way out. This is an important meeting. It's about international three ring binder control. You think there is a link between binders and the Triads. This will require cooperation. Don't forget to bring The Giving Tree. Pictures will help the Chinese understand your language.

            Tell the Chinese that they can invite Russia, too, if they want.

            Walk among the mortals again. You are up for re-election and people need to see your face. Stop going to expensive, private barbers and get your hair cut in local shops. Get more votes. Dazzle the people, even with a crooked haircut.

            This will be the first opportunity for all of your annexed countries to vote. This will be an exciting moment for them. Think of it like a bris without the penis chopping. Make sure you have enough security. There will be radicals trying to blow up voting booths. Ask China if they have any extra room in their recently created spaceship. Show them the last page of your book. They will say yes.

            Become more charismatic. Practice in front of a mirror. Practice to your new dog Pacco. Tell your wife how stressed you are. She will go to the store and buy you a massage chair. Buy her massage lessons in Sweden for her birthday. She will smile at you but feel like she is being used. This is good. She needs to stay busy for a little while. She will start her lessons soon.

            You are becoming very popular with the United Nations, but there are still a few rabble-rousers. Learn how to hackle and be hackled. Frequent stand up comedy gigs. Take notes. This will come in handy when France makes fun of you.

            It is the day of the election. Success. You give a speech thanking everyone for their support. You don't forget to mention your dog Pacco. Sleep with your wife that night; she is going to Sweden the next morning. She gives you a massage and you walk to your office stiffly. It is time to instigate phase one.

            You give speeches about the future. You give speeches about the end of the world: not of nuclear holocaust, not of meteors, not of global warming. You give speeches of alien invasion, of human enslavement, of our horrible extinction. People think that you are blathering and likely to run off into the woods at any moment, but they still think you are very charismatic. Everybody loves you.

            One week later you hold a secret meeting. Only your closest friends are invited. China cannot come. You are only pretending to like China.

            You sit at the end of a long kona table. A few other trustworthy countries sit near you. You tell them your plan. You will need holograms, robots, and alien costumes. They listen and become impressed. As far as they can tell, nobody has to die.

            Aliens invade earth. You are smug because you had the foresight of creating the International Alien Invasion Response Committee. You smile because you know that there are no aliens. It is all a farce to take over the world.

            With your charisma and knowledge of other languages, especially German and Japanese, you become the leader in the fight against the invaders. The aliens are yellow and have pointed teeth. They fight dirty and aim for the balls. These are aliens that any culture can hate. You give your sociologist a raise for her culturally diverse alien design.

            You find a film company that makes news footage of the nonexistent attacks. People in Japan are shown images of the occupation in New York. People in New York are shown Tokyo's destruction. The internet is conveniently shut down by the aliens so that nobody can share footage with each other. The countries that didn't like you before suddenly love you. Take a few minutes to bring them under your leadership. Everybody thinks that everybody else is being voomed, just like all the post offices. Now you must swoop in and save the remaining survivors, which should be just about everybody.

            China, on the other hand, takes the democracy hating radicals off of your hands and sends all of their important people to the moon.

            When your wife gets back from massage lessons and asks you what you did while she was gone, tell her nothing and get a long massage. You deserve it.