I read in the paper that Omar the 4th son of Osama Bin Laden has got married. His bride to be is an English woman who he met on a Camel trail in Egypt, according to the paper. He is a 26-year-old Moslem with a wife already and son of a fundamentalist terrorist and she is a 51-year-old English grandmother from Moulton in Cheshire.
How can it possibly fail?
All it needs is for Osama himself to bless the union.
This is old news rather than not news. It’s taken this long to make something of it .I thought there was good material here, but it never really took off. [Osma stands up from the top table and bangs a glass with his spoon]
“Excuse me, a bit of order please, Greetings, family, friends, followers and umm…Oh yes, western decadent, Zionist jackals [looks around] right… I think that’s everyone.
I’m here in Cheshire to say a few words on my son’s special day. As you all know Omar here is marrying, local girl, Jane Felix-Browne,here. or as we like to call her, the western whore of the devils spawn. I think his pet name for her is…. Pookums. They met when they were both on a camel trail in Egypt. How he could tell the difference is beyond me. Ooops, me and my big mouth.
I know we have our differences; you all want to oversee the oppression of our culture and race and I want t see you grovelling in your filth in abject surrender. So I thought to break the ice a little I’ll start with a little joke…Ok, well there was a Muslim, a Jew and a catholic in a bar and the Muslim blew himself up, taking the two cringing infidels with him [blank shocked faces] No? Well I suppose it loses a little in translation….OK, OK you’ll love this one. What do you get if you cross a poodle with a lap dog….hey! Tony Blair [same faces] No?…. Funny, that one usually cracks ‘em up. Never mind, I’ve got a hundred of ‘em ……Well, there’s not much to do, stuck the Tora Bora caves all day with just a couple of Zealots and the Koran for company.
You know, I bet you think I spend all my time planning indiscriminate slaughter. Hey, I’m not saying it isn’t an important part of the day but we like to have fun, too. Think about it, what are the first 3 letters of fundamentalist?…coincidence . I don’t think so.
But, look this is my apostate’s son special day ; enough about me. I’m here to give him my blessing. Some have said he has brought shame and degredation on the family name but not me,[all faces turn and stare at him] OK, OK, maybe it was me, but I knew Al Jazeera were listening at the time.
I will admit we were surprised when he told us of his true intentions. At first I assumed he was just grooming her as a suicide bomber so it came as a shock. I thought it was a step too far when he said he was marrying her, we usually find emotional blackmail, psychotropic drugs and a bit of indoctrination does the trick.
But if he wants to reject the offer of 72 dark eyed virgins in paradise for a clapped out granny in Moulton that’s his business, I suppose.
So, finally, to immediate relatives I say ‘welcome to the family’ and to friends and well wishers I would like to say; the wine is £3.50 a glass and to wish you a speedy and merciful death.
Well I’ve now been told that the CIA have just got off the train at Knutsford so I will leave you with this thought….. there is a bomb in the cake which will blow you all to hell….[massed hysteria, people running and screaming] ….. Only joking, he, he, he [wiping tears form his eyes] you should see your faces, sorry couldn’t resist that one.....honestly Zionists just have no sense of humour. You can all sit back down…..and maybe give that old man at the back some air….or better still the kiss of life…. No? Ah well one less in the struggle against oppression. Missing you already |
The lady hath balls
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 10th August 2007 | Very good dear, and glad someone picked up on the story. You couldn't make it up!
Well done for spotting the mileage that's up for grabs on this one. I'm sure the Annual Headline Writers Association must have had a field day when this broke.
Bravo, m'lady.
Infidel. | Thanks infidel
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 10th August 2007 | Aways pleased to get the givtisum seal of approval. I was worried. I know how sensitive you are on these issues. Heaven forfend that I should upset your sensibilities.
As you say you couldnt make it up. They even met on a camel train It's like the carry on team decided to do one about mixed marriage. The sun editor must have thought he'd died and gone to heaven
jane | HI Jane
Written by jean.day (2266 comments posted) 11th August 2007 | | I too thought this was great fun. And since Knutsford train station is a place I am familiar with, it was even more fun. | Just fabulous.
Written by wltshr (300 comments posted) 11th August 2007 | And about time.
A really good sketch. Just long enough and very tight in construction and delivery.
Lovely idea and some wonderfully funny lines.
I shall think about "fundamentalist" in a whole new way from now on.
Best
Tony
|
Written by Lizzy (790 comments posted) 11th August 2007 | With the others, well written and very funny.
Lizzy | Hi Jane
Written by gshelme (152 comments posted) 12th August 2007 | brilliantly written, lol funny.
Gill  | ...and the last 8 letters of "slaughter
Written by coosh (850 comments posted) 14th August 2007 | Great idea, Ma'am. In the Rory Bremner sort of territory. Particularly swapping the virgins for a clapped out old granny, and the CIA alighting at Knutsford.
I think it was a toss-up between him and serial killer on Death Row. She's had a fair bit o' plastic surgery, by all accounts, so in the unlikely event of it not being a match made in Heaven, they could strip her down and use her for explosives. Always a silver lining.
Very enjoyable. |
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 14th August 2007 | high quality as always BBS.
you the (wo) man.
sasquatch. |
Written by jimbo (83 comments posted) 19th August 2007 | Can only agree with the others. I think the question I often ask myself is 'How far can I take this without being offensive?' The answer you seem to have arrived at is 'Not so far that the writer feels uncomfortable.' Which, I suppose, depends on your social conscience.
I feel you got it spot on.
Great work, well delivered ... and very funny.
Cheers! |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 19th August 2007 | Jimbo, I don't like responding to my own posts but you raise such an interesting point about offensiveness. I never set out to be offensive, just funny. If I don't think it's funny first then I don't bother. Of course there are limits and I have mine. I have to feel comfortable otherwise I can't find the humour. I think that the further away you stray from reality and into surreality the more obvious it is that you are not out to offend.
I'm pleased you thought I got it right. I need to know, I don't always
Jane | Slick Presentation
Written by petmarj (81 comments posted) 23rd August 2007 | A good story, well told. It's so easy to slip off the funny story sledge, but you stayed on it all the way. It also makes you wonder - what is this Bin Laden thinking about when he authorizes death.
Thanks for your comments on 'King of the Universe'. I shall take them onboard.
Thanks again,
Pete. |
Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 24th August 2007 | Good stuff Jane. I tried this one for Not News but got nowhere. The ones that seem to be on a plate are often the hardest. Stepping back and then further in has worked really well. Funny and not offensive. Old Osama himself might have sniggered at this one.
Enjoyed.
Phil. | Think I was on holiday when you posted t
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 28th August 2007 | so my comments are a bit late but, hey, I'm only a western decadent, Zionist jackals!!
I could visualise the scene which is always important. Some good laugh out loud moments, which startled the others in the office but, hey, they’re only western decadent, Zionist jackals!!
I’m a bit worried about my social conscience; I not only found this wickedly funny but didn’t find anything to offend me at all but, hey, I’m only a … you know the rest!!
Cheers
Chris
| Hello Jane
Written by remoh (24 comments posted) 2nd September 2007 | I like this a lot... It's a slap on the face to the Muslims who think that a murderer like Osama is a saviour...( they are the real non-believers)...I don't think any of these terrorists hvtaken time 2 find out wat the Quran says...I am a Muslim ...so subjects like this makes me think a lot...
& also putting aside my serious thoughts I thought ur writing was really funny and entertaining...
I don't think u hv offended anyone...But I feel I might hv offended others with this review..
 Regards
REMOH | Hello Jane
Written by Josie (2780 comments posted) 9th October 2007 | | Yes it is funny, and very funny - and I don't think it offends anyone. I was glad to get away from the poetry section for a while, just to be lightened up. Too suicidal over there. ha ha | haha
Written by SplatterpunkShelbs (37 comments posted) 27th April 2008 | That made me laugh out loud. I love it when people take dark subject matter and make it funny.
Thanks for brightening my day a bit.
~Shelby |
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