The Street Singer

Dramatis Personæ

            Simon               Songwriter        (older man, 50+)        

            Mick                Engine-room   (strong Irish accent) [20 +/-]

            Gale                 Gofer               (female, late teens)  

            Ben                  Booze              (‘angry young man’ type) [20 +/-]

            Pete                 Simon’s son      [also 20 +/-]

                                                …. and a chorus of (literally!) Thousands …….

* Gale may be played as male character (Ged?) if an all-male cast is preferred *

Scene One

               Fade in over background SFX sounds of typical busy town centre pub

Ben                  All right, Si!  ’ere y’ go, then!    (sound of glasses on table)

Simon               Cheers, Ben  ….  Look, what d’you think of this, then?

Ben                  (reads)  … to the tune of – Michael row the Boat? Dunno, it’s a bit …

                         kiddy, innit?

Mick                Gizza butcher’s, then, let’s be seein’ it!

Simon              Gorra keep it simple, kiddo: these Londoners are pig-thick

                       ignorant, y’know! Gorra make sure they get the message!

Mick                (sings) Ever-TEN, Arse – NIL Halleluia

                                    (Gale & Ben join in)

                        Sure, an’ I t’ink it’s OK anyway: if  Ben an’ Gale can learn it that

                        fast ..............!

                        (indignant protests from Ben & Gale)

Ben                  Watch it, Mick, or I’ll  ……….

Mick                 What, breathe on me? You an’ whose army, then?

Gale                 Stow it, youse two!  ’e never meant nothin’, Ben, an’ you know ’e

                       didn’t!     (meaningfully) Right, Mick?

Mick                Yeah, all right … you’re too easy to wind up, Ben. You want to leave it out until after the match. Take it out on an Arsenal fan instead 

Simon               Arse – NIL, Mick!

Mick                 Yeah, right, Si ….. so, who’ve we got f’r th’ singers today?  Usual crowd?

Simon               I’ve gorra shedload o’ lads from the White House an’ the Masons:  our Pete’s got some mates he’s meeting at a pub up Picton Road somewhere: he knows all the songs off pat, ’cluding all the new ones ….

Ben                  New ones?! Blimey, Si, d'you never stop dreamin' up new ones? Seems to me there's never a week goes by you don't come up with something new!

Simon               I guess that's true, Ben! Still, like they say, gorra keep up wi' the speed things change, or get left be'ind!

Mick                Ah, you can't beat a good ol' singalong during a match – an' the craic's mighty afterwards, when the lads have produced the goods!

Ben                  [camp "Stooge Paddy" exaggerated accent]

                        Sure, an' top o' th' mornin' – or more loike th' mornin' after! – and wooden yiz knowit, Paddy 'n' Mick are singin' their drunken hearts out, begorrah!

Mick                 Least I'm not just here for the beer, like some I could mention!

Gale                 Calm down, calm down, the pair o' yiz! He never meant nothin', Mick! An' as fer you, Ben, you oughter know better than to wind Mick up like that before we even get to the match! Now grow up, the pair o' yiz!

Mick                Yeah, you're right, Gale! He's just not worth it ………….!

                                                Fade.  Cut to

Scene Two

                        Goodison Park, a few minutes before kickoff.

                        SFX     Tannoys, pre-match entertainment, crowd noise

Gale                 Here’s your tea, Pete … You know, I never realised ’ow much work you an’ Simon get through, jus’ to have the songs and music ready for a match.

Pete                 How's that? It's not like it's hard work, getting' a few mates to come along to the matches, y'know!

Gale                 No, but like this morning, f'r instance: Your Da was organising things in at least three diff'rent pubs in the Swan, an' at the same time you was up Wavertree getting your mates organised and bringing them down here. That means the pair of you have used the whole o' Saturday morning to get ready for this afternoon's match!

Pete                 Thanks for the tea, Gale … you didn’t think they just, like, “happen” by themselves, did you? I mean, as far as organisin' things is concerned we've always done it – for home matches, anyway! I guess I wouldn't know what else to do on a Sat'dee morning! Bit like that 'empty' feeling y' get durin' the summer when there's no footie – an' mopre often than not the cricket seems to get rained off, too!  [raises voice] Hey, Dad! D’yer hear that?! Gale thinks we're usin' too much time getting' ready fer th' match!

Gale                 No, that's not what I meant …….!

Pete                 Oh! Sorry, Gale, I thought …. Anyway, what did you mean, then?

Gale                 Not sure, really – but it seems like a lot o' time getting ready!

Simon               (voice raised)  I reckon it's well worth the trouble – specially when it's one o' the big teams, a must-win match! Like this lot today, f'r example…..! Getting a bit lively now, the teams’ll be out soon!  ……. It was more spontaneous, like, years ago – you could say, not organised at all! – when  I tagged along with me Da to the matches. I was prob'ly younger than you, Pete: maybe even nine or ten ……[beat] … there wasn't a lot o' singin' before that, accordin' to my Da. Packed out grounds – sixty thou an' more, standin' on th' terraces, before they made 'em all-seater grounds … an' they'd shout, or they'd clap, but there was no swearing or givin' the opposition loads o' verbal: apparently they jus' didn't do that in them days, people was more polite ….

Gale                 Pity it's not like that now!

Simon               Yeah, Gale – but my Da said you almost never saw any wimmin at the matches, so that's somethin' else you need to remember!

Ben                  How long ago’s that, then? You make it sound like ancient ’ist-ree!

Simon               I was only a kid myself!  Must have been late Sixties, I s’pose…..

Pete, what's the first song you remember singing at a match?

Pete                 Z Cars, I suppose! An' we still use that, Dad! But if y’mean with our own words, I guess it has to be Yellow Submarine  …….

                                                Pete & Simon ‘duet’

                                    ‘Number one is Gordon West

                                    Number two is Tommy Wright  ……. 

Simon            .. breaks off singing to speak:

and it finished off  

                        (sings again)  “We all live in a Blue and White Palace….”   

                        But that was easy to learn, y’know. The team was so stable, it was very near the same all season, you didn’t need to keep learning new names each week. The way players are bought an' sold nowadays, and tactical squad rotations, it wouldn't hardly work the same  …      aye aye, ’ere we go!!

                                    (all sing) Ner ner ner …. (tune: Z Cars)

                         In the background, adjust SFX (music/crowd voices) to suit

Simon               Right, lads: here come the rabble now! Lerrem ‘ear it, then  

(SFX: boos in background, animosity)          

                                    (Shouts)           London Song!

                                    Show Them the Way to go Home         (crowd join in)

                                    They’re tired and they don’t know what to do

                                    ’cause they’re only half a football team

                                    Compared with the Boys in Blue   OH!  (rpt as necessary)

Ben                  So: how does it work, then? I mean. How d’you get the songs

                        known, like?

Simon               Nearly always the same way, Ben. Stick with a tune everyone knows, an’ the words just sorta come natural, like, know what I mean?  O’ course, the rhythm’s gorra fit, too:

Ben                  Well known tunes: yeah, orright, granted he's not one of ours any more, but you mean, like: (sings)  Na - Na - Na - Na  ….. Kevin Kilbane 

(tune: Kiss Him Goodbye)

Simon               Yeah, right: that works. But that tune doesn’t work with everyone …… let’s say…  Tim Cahill  (demonstrates) 

 but if you use another tune      (demonstrates: “Trumpet Voluntary”)

                        now, that works! Yes, you got the right idea, Ben!   [beat]

                        Ay up, it’s kickoff: Arsenal’s got the ball ……..

                        (sings: everyone joins in) tune: QM’s Stores

                                    He shot: he missed, he must be ********** pissed

                                                 [Ashley Cole/ any other topical name]

                                                        rpt & fade                                                                  

                        SFX. Background (muted) crowd sings [tune: Land of Hope & Glory]

                        “We hate Nottingham Forest, we hate Liverpool too (and Chelsea)

                        We hate Man United, but Everton we love you (all together now) …..”

                                                      ( rpt & fade)

Gale                 ‘ere’s the teas, lads …. Think that’s the one with sugar, Ben     

                        Not missed anything, have I?

Ben                  Nah, none of  ’em look like they could score against the Blind

                       School today. Waster space, all of  ’em!

Simon               C’mon, the lads always do better in the second half, y’know that!

                        (sings: tune ‘Michael row…’)

                                    Ever – TEN, Arse – NIL, Halleluia ….   (crowd join in)

Mick                He really believes all he sings, don’t he ?  I mean, y’know, really …

Pete                 Never been any diff’rent, Mick. An’ y’know what the Queer Feller

                       said …

Mick                Who’s that, then?

Pete                 ’im over the park: the only decent manager the red shower ever had: Shankly! He said: “Football’s not a matter of life’n’death, it’s far more important than that …. ” or somethin’ like that, anyway!But don’t remind me Dad who coined the phrase, he won’t admit it! Fact is, though, he believes exactly the same thing himself! ….. Hang about …   [beat]  

                              Crowd roar              PENALTY!!!!!

Pete                 [continues]  C’mon, ref, ’e ’ad the lace out the ball twice, that time!

Yeah, should f’k’n think so, too! Spell the name for yiz, ref! 

(sings) “Ashley Cole was a bugger for his ’ole …. ”   

[Tune: Old King Cole] etc   Crowd join in singing & chanting

Off!  Off!  Off!  …..  crowd cheer as ref shows red card

                        SFX    near-silent crowd. Boot on ball. Ball hits net.

 Crowd explode, song follows

 [tune:   Guantalamera]

                        “One David Weir: there’s only one David Weir”  (etc)       

Simon               One – Nil!   One – Nil!  (tune:  Amazing Grace)        

[all join in]

Crowd             (sol-fa cadencing)       Come on you Blues [|:   :|]

                        [change to] (tune: Coming round the Mountain)  

                                    “You’ve all gone quiet over there ….”

                                    [change again]  “Ee-aye-addio, we want TWO”

Pete                 Amazin’ the difference it makes when they score ….!

Simon               That’s an idea ferra new one, Pete!  

(sings)  “What a diff’rence a Goal makes, twenty-four little ….

Yeah, well, I’ll have to think about some decent words to it!

Gale                 Is that it? I mean, d’you get a lot of ideas jus’ like that?

Simon               Pretty much, Gale: most of it just happens by itself during a match. I always think it’s sort of a  bit like the crowd themselves seem to ‘think it up’ somehow, not just me or anybody else but all together, y’know?

SFX                 Dialogue against  a background of  singing, muted pot pourri of  songs used so far

Pete                 (sol-fa chant) Come on you Blu – ues [rpt]

Gale                 Come on, lads: get stuck in there!:

Simon               (sings) Here we go, here we go, here we go  What’s the score,

                        Arsenal, What’s the sco – ore?  [tune: Sousa-style march]

 [shouts]           Let’s have another one, then

( All sing)  …    Just like the other one, give us another one do!

Mick                Won’t y’ put it on Big Dunc’s ’ead, our Kev ….

            (SFX: silence followed by sound of boot on leather, then volley into net)          

ALL                 (full crowd shout)           YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS !!

                        (Sol – Fa)        Two – Nil!! Two – Nil !! (full crowd volume)

Simon               (leads: all follow)(new tune)

                        Show them the way to go home (as before)  etc …………

Gale                 Come ’ead, ref: has yer bleedin watch stopped?

Pete                 Can’t be long now …..

                         (SFX: ref’s whistle, massive cheering)   YEEESSSS !!

                        (new song) We hate Nottingham Forest, we hate Arsenal too

                        We hate Man United, but Everton we love you (all together now)

                                                        rpt, fade

Scene Three

            SFX     Pub scene as earlier, but much noisier than earlier pre-match scene

Gale                 Magic, guys What a result, eh?

Pete                 Yeah, brilliant: twice as much red-and-white shh…..

                        er, red-and-white scarves, I mean floating down the Mersey t’night!

Gale                 Si, I was thinking … what you said, 'bout the singin all startin' from the Sixties an' all that?
Simon   Yeah?

Gale                 D'you reckon it had summat t'do wi' Liverpool bein at the centre of world music at the time? Like, the Mersey Beat, an' the Beatles an' so on?

Simon               Could be right, there, Gale: never really thought about it, but wwe've always been first wi' new music an' such, so anything's possible ….

Ben                  Yeah, but lookit "The Masons" at chuckin' out time on Karaoke Night! Every Scouser what's gorra birra bevvy in 'im thinks he's Frank Sinatra ..!             

SFX     sudden lull in conversation level

Voice Off          Effin Scahse git (Cockney accent)

                                  SFX       Total silence.  [beat]   Let it stretch.

Mick                Did I hear that right?

Gale                 Steady, Mick

                         SFX      Sound of chair being moved, standing up etc

Mick                I’m not lookin’ for trouble, Gale …. But it sounds like someone is ….

                        Who the blazes said that?!

Simon               Someone who’s either very brave, or very stupid, I’d guess …

                        let it go, Mick, he’s not worth it … LOOK OUT!!  

                        (SFX  Sound of bottle smashing against wall, door opens, slams)

Ben                  That was meant fer you, Si! I saw the little chickenshit, let’s go ….

(SFX General exodus noises as pub empties, glass breaking, running footsteps etc)

Scene Four

Outside pub: traffic noises, shouts, running, etc

Pete                 What was the stupid git thinking of, drinking in our pub anyway?

                        Everyone knows that’s where we always go after the match….

Ben                  Windup merchant, or someone with a death wish, maybe? 

                        (SFX Running, heavy breathing)

Mick                Keep your eyes skinned: sure, an’ he can’t know the ’Pool as well as we do! But if he flags a cab he’s straight f’r Lime Street an’ the train,

                        we’ll lose the little bar-steward f’r sure …

Simon               C’mon, guys, it’s not worth it, lerrit go, calm down, why don’t yiz???!

                        SFX.    Long-drawn-out violent screech of brakes; solid thud. Continuous horn, then silence.

Ben                  (low voice) Oh, SHIT!! D’yiz reckon ……….. ?

Pete                 Prob’ly

Simon               Maybe now yiz’ll b’lieve me  … bit late, though, innit?

                        SFX. Group walk slowly to end of street, feet dragging, muted voices in bgd. Sirens faint in distance, approaching.

Pete                 He ran straight in front o’ the effin’ bus ………

Ben                  Never stood a chance, diddee?

All                    [sotto voce]    (tune: Bread of Heaven)  

                        Arsenal, Arsenal, you’re not singing any more …..[rpt, fade]

                        (approaching sirens overlay & eventually drown out singing)

                   FINIS

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