This is a piece I wrote a while back, and I keep meaning to redraft. It feels kinda flat so any crits, comments or advice very welcome.
WC
No happy ending - rough copy.
Stepping off the tube, Robert can do nothing to hide the smile playing across his normally deadpan face. All of a sudden he can remember exactly how it felt to be a child on the last day of school before the holidays, the nervous longing in his stomach still feels exactly the same except that after today he will not be on holiday he will be starting a new life. The moment he finishes work, he is off to the airport from where he and Sarah will fly off into the sunset. For most people this would not be complicated, but Robert is not most people. He is a professional killer planning to run off with his bosses’ wife.
Strolling through the crowds of morning commuters, he cannot help but wonder if his love is awake yet. Robert knows he should keep his mind on his assignment but since Connor, his boss and Sarah’s husband, is on holiday for a week he has had no excuse to call to around the house, meaning he is missing her terribly. Stopping at the left luggage lockers, Robert removes a holdall stashed there for him the day before, and then with it safely secured over one shoulder he exits the station.
Having arrived way to early for the job, and unable to hang around the target area without raising suspicion Robert does the tourist thing. Puttering from shop to art gallery to shop, he twice checks the price of the cab fare to the airport before giving up and phoning Sarah.
“Hello?” She answers on the second ring.
“It’s me, sweetheart.” Robert whispers.
“Is something wrong?” she asks her voice deep with concern.
“No,” he soothes, “I just wanted to hear your voice.”
“You scared me,” Sarah scolds, “I was just heading to the beauticians.”
“Why?” Robert asks his heart aching for her.
“I go every week,” she reminds him. “It would look weird if I didn’t go, and besides I want to look good for you.”
“How sweet of you,” Robert gushes down the line.
“I got to go,” she whispers “someone’s coming, I love you.”
“I love you too,” he replies on reflex, but he is talking to the dial tone.
After what feels like a lifetime, it is finally time for him to get into position for the job. His target is a college lecturer who after running up debts to Connor decided to talk to the police, climbing onto the roof of a deserted office block Robert wonders if he will miss this part of the job. Pulling on his gloves, he chases these thoughts from his mind, selecting his spot he assembles the Armalite rifle from his holdall and squats down into the prone firing position.
He is still in that position five minutes later, when two set of footsteps burst onto the rooftop screaming, “Move and you’re dead.”
Robert is good enough at his job to know that heroics kill more people than second hand smoke, and that anybody who is talking to you generally don’t want you dead yet. Staying very still, he waits for more instructions to come.
“Place the rifle down slowly, and slide it away from you,” commands a second male voice.
Doing exactly as instructed, Robert begins to wonder if the men behind him are officers of the law, and then he wonders if they are straight or on Connors payroll.
“Lock your fingers behind your head, and place your nose on the tarmac,” the voice continues.
With his face down on the ground, Robert is careful not to look around as one of them moves in front of and places something down. In the distance, he can hear a bell ringing to signal lunchtime.
“Lift your head,” the first voice instructs him, “the boss wants you to see this.”
Lifting his head, Robert’s internal organs turn to ice and his testicles shrivel like prunes because in front of him is a glossy picture of he and Sarah’s first kiss.
“What have you done with her?” he croaks.
“Don’t worry,” the second voice tells him, “you’ll see her soon enough.”
“Yeah in hell, asshole.” screams the first voice seconds before the bullets begin to fly.
Six or seven shots rack Roberts’s body, not killing him out right but leaving him unable to even move as his killers make a clean escape. In the distance, he can hear an ambulance wailing, but Robert knows it will never reach him in time. As the blackness edges into the edges of his vision, he prays they were lying about Sarah.
|
Written by Asferthecat (859 comments posted) 15th August 2007 | I enjoyed this but was distracted by rather odd sentence construction. eg. "His target is a college lecturer who after running up debts to Connor decided to talk to the police, climbing onto the roof of a deserted office block Robert wonders if he will miss this part of the job. " I would have made this two sentences eg "His target is a college lecturer who, after running up debts to Connor, decided to talk to the police. Climbing onto the roof of a deserted office block, Robert wonders if he will miss this part of the job. " Perhaps a piece of the girl, rather than just a photo, would have been more horrific - but that's just me. | Hitmen have feelings too Written by John_O (150 comments posted) 15th August 2007 | Hi Wyld There's something about using the present tense in this that feels not quite righ,. eg 'meaning he is missing her terribly' , it just doesn't read comfortably. Suggestions for re-writing. I would leave out the bit where you reveal he is an assasin in the prolog, let that appear in the storyline. A re-ordering of the text on the rooftop would help this development. '...get into position for the job. Pulling on his gloves, he chases the thoughts of Sarah from his mind. As he is climbing onto the roof of a deserted office block he briefly wonders if he will miss this part of the job. Selecting his spot he assembles the Armalite rifle from his holdall and squats down into the prone firing position.' Now you've got the reader wondering what's the job ? So then put in 'His target is a college lecturer who after running up debts to Connor decided to talk to the police' I think the ending could be blacker '....In the distance, he can hear an ambulance wailing, too late for him. As the blackness covers him he breathes one word "Sarah." A neat little story, hope the comments help you. John_O | Thanks Written by wyld_card (30 comments posted) 16th August 2007 | Asferthecat, thanks for stopping by. I will deal with that sentence in the rewrite, and as for the grisly idea of a body part instead of a photo I quite like that. John_O thanks for taking the time to read and crit this, and again I like your suggestion for the rewrite. Thanks. WC | Written by jimbo (83 comments posted) 19th August 2007 | I like the story and it's construction and it was well written. I agree with the points raised by Asferthecat and John_O. However, I got the feeling that this was an idea that you could have spent a little more time thinking through and developing. With a little more depth of character, this could be a wonderful piece. As it stands it's rather ... cold? Maybe a little more development of the relationship between Robert and Sarah, thus heightening our feeling of his anguish at the end? It could simply be that Robert seems too unfeeling? Do hitmen keep their emotions in check and see the target as simply that ... or are they human beings doing a dirty job - and being aware of the humanity of their target - because that's an area in which they excel? I don't think it would require the piece to be too much longer than it is. Still, a good piece from a good writer. Hope my comments help ... or at least are not unwelcome. Cheers! | hi Jimbo Written by wyld_card (30 comments posted) 21st August 2007 | I do not think any comment as helpful and constructive as this one could be unwelcome. I always thought that someone doing such a violent job would need to be emotionally detached from the sitution, but now I'll have to have a rethink before the redraft. So once against thanks. WC
| A Start, possibly... Written by Chimera_Crystal (12 comments posted) 21st August 2007 | I think what you have here is a great idea, but as jimbo mentioned above the character needs more development. I find in reading this a situation where I don't really feel for the character. Is he being a hitman because he has to? or is it because he wants to? The relationship with Sarah feels cold on her part is it because she is scared of him or perhaps having an affair? He obviously loves her, but is he trying to be there for her? Anyway nice idea, could turn out to be a lovely story. (I keep commenting here but don't have anything of my own yet to post, I hope I don't seem to be overstepping my mark...)
|
Only registered users can rate and write comments. Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |