From last January. :) Some offensive language used in an attempt to drive the point home with a hammer.
US admits: Operation Blow Shit Up "not 100% effective"
Operation Blow More Shit Up being drafted planned
WASHINGTON / LONDON / OTTAWA
— In a public statement today, officials of the US Defense and State
Departments admitted that the program of blowing shit up, lately
focused on Iraq, has not been completely effective in re-ordering the
world in the image of the United States and laying the world prostrate
at its feet forever and ever and ever. "Frankly, we may have made a
slight miscalculation," admitted one State Department official, who
confessed herself "disappointed that people in other countries seem to
be possessed by a strange, unanticipated stubbornness that almost
resembles pride and patriotism — except that those are, of course,
uniquely American virtues."
Asked how the war in Iraq could be
brought to a successful conclusion, a Defense Department spokesman
said, "Obviously aerial bombardment, troops on the ground, and the
deaths of hundreds of thousands of civilians is not the answer. The
answer is more bombing, more troops, and more civilian deaths. Operation Blow More Shit
Up is on the drawing board as we speak. As a result, I think we can
safely say the war will be over by Christmas, or maybe even
Thanksgiving. We've never been wrong before. I mean, after all, once we
finally unleashed the Tet Offensive, we won Korea just like that."
This
attitude is finding a warm reception across the pond. In a massive
effort to increase sucking up, the United Kingdom is matching the US
effort by stepping up Operation Kill W*gs with Operation Kill More W*gs.
According to a functionary attached to the Ministry of Doing Whatever
America Says, "The policy did wonders for building and securing the
British Empire. It will be every bit as effective for the American
Empire. Ah, I mean, for the process of enhancing global security."
Meanwhile,
in Canada, government officials and high-ranking military officers
expressed bemusement that Canada's ongoing Operation Spoonful of Maple
Sugar Helps the Cyanide Go Down in Afghanistan is not reaping the
desired results, other than getting Canadian soldiers killed in order
to free up American soldiers to get killed in Iraq. "Why can't these
people understand that we're there to keep the peace? They have no
right to hate us; we're peacekeepers. Canadians do not fight wars, they
keep peace. I thought everybody knew that. It's been that way, since,
like, forever. It's in our Constitution, I think. Or maybe it's the
Bible. But the point is, everywhere a Canadian steps, peace springs up
around his feet. If we flatten their villages, it's peacekeeping! If we
smear their families like peanut butter across the plains, it's
peacekeeping! If we burn their crops, atomize their infrastructure, and
eviscerate their government, it's to keep the goddamn peace! How many
of these idiots do we have to kill before it sinks in? They never had peace till we arrived! We invented peace! We own peace! Peace peace peace peace, peace peace peace!"
Canadian
officials, while discouraged by the failure of Afghanis to grasp that
the destruction of their country and traditions at the hands of the
West is entirely for their own good and that they ought to be happy
about it, nevertheless expressed determination to "stay the course"
with the operation, as well as with Operation Bomb Them to Democracy.
When asked how people would vote with their limbs blown off, officials
explained that Afghanis would be fitted with special voting prostheses
that would enable them to mark an "X" with virtually no excruciating
pain, "once the terrorists have been routed and the peacekeeping is
over". Pressed to speculate as to when that might be, officials
responded, "Oh, Christmas, probably... Maybe even Thanksgiving." When
asked "of what year?" they replied, "No comment."|
Written by jimbo (83 comments posted) 19th August 2007 | I wouldn't plan any visit to the US anytime soon if I were you, Andy! You may find yourself beaten red, white and black and blue, then detained for reasons of National Security: you keep giving away State secrets!
All in all, another fine piece of writing ... and, again, the humour is wonderfully black.
Cheers! |
Written by Livinginanattic (454 comments posted) 23rd August 2007 | A terrific piece of satire! I think you've persuaded me to avoid your compatriots in future in case I get atomised with a dose of Canadian 'peace'.
Ben | Literally laugh out loud!
Written by Monkeymox (16 comments posted) 17th September 2007 | | This had me laughing from the beginning to the end!! I thought it was really well written! Brillant! |
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