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For Children
Danni and the Grim Sleeper - The Death Scene
By John_O
22 August 2007
This is the final chapter of the Danni story, in a single chunk as it is not overly long, which I would really appreciate some feedback on.
A lot has happened to Danni and Pan since part 4. She has had a second run in with Mrs Hedley-Sloan, met the Grim Reaper and embarked upon the Last Great Voyage of Discovery with a magically child aged Cynthia (Hedley-Sloan). Both Danni and Cynthia are changed by the voyage but now Cynthia's time has run its course and it is time for her to go.
Having a death scene in a children's story may seem odd but there are plenty of precedents, Aslan in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe most notably, and I wanted to see how I could approach the subject in a child friendly way. Have I succeeded ? Hopefully it is not too saccharine and strikes a balance between Dannis sadness, loss and pain and the joyful release of the departing Cynthia.
Some facts you need to know. Indie is a fearless explorer and guide ''Indiarubber Bones', the Captain is the Captain who has no name (No not Nemo, but no name at all, and he should not be confused with the captaion of Dannis airship who is simply the captain, no capital.), Great Uncle Mortimer is the Grim Reaper and his scythe is called Trevor.
This section opens on the submersible of the Captain with no name, in the deeps of the Jade Ocean.
Now read on.....
John_O

The revelation of their next destination had taken place at the meal with the Captain. Nobody spoke for a long time, they were too stunned by the suddenness of it.
Journey’s End.
“May I propose a toast.” The Captain said as he stood up.
“To good journeys in the company of good friends.”
One by one they raised their own glasses.
“To good journeys in the company of good friends.” They all said bravely, but inside they felt like crying.
The submersible had swiftly conveyed them back up to the surface of the Jade Ocean and under serene blue skies it had skimmed through the waves until a distant silver smudge on the horizon resolved into the shape of the Princess Danni, awaiting their return.
As they stood on the grey metal deck for the final departure Danni beckoned the Captain forward.
“Captain, you have proved that you are a man of your word and also our friend.”
She held out her hand to Pan who placed a long silver sword in it.
“Kneel Captain.” Danni commanded him.
“I confer upon you the title of honorary admiral in the fleet of Xanubia and declare that you shall always be welcome in any port of Xanubia.” She said as she placed the blade upon his right and then his left shoulder.
“Rise, Admiral of the fleet.”
The Captain stood up and bowed deeply to her, a small tear forming in his right eye.
“Three cheers for the Admiral.” Indie said loudly. “Hip hip, hoorah!”
All the crewmen lined up on deck raised their caps and cheered loudly, this was indeed a happy day on the submersible, for where their captain was welcome, so were they.
The big white sails of the Princess Danni unfurled and as the anchor was raised the silver zeppelin turned her prow to fly away from Pirates Cove, along the coast towards its final destination on this epic journey.

Forests slipped past under the silver hull, bright coloured birds flying up around the airship to greet them like a dawn chorus on the very first day of creation, so bright was their plumage. Deserts of ochre and brown had lapped at the shore of the dark green sea with stately waves of yellow dunes that were as still as the waves of green were ever in motion. But now the land was low, flat and seemed to go on forever towards a misty horizon where sky and land became a single blur. The captain plotted their position on the big chart, they were very near to the big red cross that they sought, Journey’s End.
“Reef the mainsails.” He ordered. “Prepare the anchors.”
The sailor dolls hauled on ropes and the huge billowing white sails were slowly folded up and neatly stowed, still they moved slowly forward towards the misty horizon. Abruptly their motion halted and everyone had to grab onto something to keep upright.
“Drop anchors.” The captain ordered quietly.
The sharp pointed anchors dropped out of the airships belly and penetrated the ground below them with soft plops, then all was still and silent.
Danni entered the bridge with Pan, Cynthia, Ferdinand and Indie.
“What has happened captain? Why have we stopped?” She asked quietly.
She had wanted to demand an explanation loudly, but somehow making any sound here seemed wrong for it would disturb the tranquillity of the place.
Silently the captain gestured out of the big glass windows of the bridge and she saw the hazy whiteness ahead of them.

“What is that? Mist?” She enquired peering at it.
“No majesty, it is the end.” Pan answered her.
“End?” She echoed as a shiver went down her spine.
“Journey’s End.” Cynthia murmured as she glanced at the big illuminated map. “We’re here.”
“Surely….” Danni began as she looked back to her friend.
But Ferdinand shook his head gently.
“No. This is the end of the last great voyage of discovery. It is time for Cynthia to go.”
“Nooooo.” Danni whispered on the verge of tears.
“No tears princess Danni.” Cynthia said as she came to hug her. “I have completed my journey thanks to you, Pan, Indie, Ferdinand and my dolls. Be happy for me.”
“I’ll say goodbye then.” Indie said a little awkwardly.
Coming forward and offering his hand to Cynthia.
“It has been a great trip.”
“Thank you Indie, thank you for being our guide.” Cynthia said warmly, taking the hand but also kissing him on the lips.
Indie blushed deeply and stepped back, wiping a tear from his eye.
“Majesty.” Pan said softly and gestured towards the elevator that stood ready for them.
Danni led the little party off the bridge with dolls all waving and calling their goodbyes to Cynthia as she passed them. At the lift her four favourites waited for her and she embraced each tenderly.
“Goodbye.” She said simply after her last embrace and stepped into the elevator with Danni, Pan and Ferdinand.

They emerged onto a curious white ground, not sand or soil, soft and slightly rubbery and faced a wall of glowing whiteness, neither mist nor air.
Cynthia shook hands with Ferdinand and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
“We have had our differences.” She said with a sad shake of her head. “But you were right and I am sorry for my past ways.”
Ferdinand smiled at her.
“Sorry. It is such a sweet word. We should all use it more often.” He replied gently.
“Goodbye Pan, take good care of princess Danni, she is very special to me.” Cynthia said to the panda and curtsied to him.
“I shall Cynthia.” Pan told her gravely and bowed back.
“And Danni, Princess of Xanubia, my very dear friend.” Cynthia said, her voice beginning to break with emotion. “I have you to thank for these last precious moments.”
“Don’t go.” Danni cried as they clung to each other. “I don’t want you to go.”
“My time is ended, I am at my journey’s end. Time for me to leave.” Cynthia whispered to her. “Goodbye Danni.”
It seemed to Danni that Cynthia became less substantial than air and no matter how tightly she tried to hold her friend, she slipped from her grasp and began to move towards the light. But as she did so she grew taller and thinner and older so that she was no longer a child but the woman they had first met so many nights ago. Yet she was not the same severe woman, for her eyes sparkled with warmth and love and her red lips smiled lovingly at them.

The air was full of shining filaments that were parting one after another with little sparkles of light until only one strand remained, it joined Cynthia to Danni, and it would not break.
A tall figure strode up beside Danni and she found herself looking into the kindly deep blue eyes of great uncle Mortimer, the Grim Reaper, holding his scythe, Trevor.
“You must let Cynthia go Danni.” He said softly.
“I don’t….don’t know how.” She whispered back tearfully.
“Would you like Trevor to help?”
Danni looked up at the great arc of shining steel and then at Cynthia’s smiling face.
“Yes…..please.” She sobbed.
There was a soft hiss as Trevor descended in a smooth arc and the last filament parted with a bright burst of sparkles so that Cynthia could leave. Her face was radiant, she looked so happy as she turned away from them for the final time and disappeared into the light.
Danni wept inconsolably on Pan’s shoulder while Ferdinand and great Uncle Mortimer stood by, quietly waiting. Finally her tears dried and she looked up at them. To her surprise both gravely went down on one knee and bowed their heads.
“Danni, you have accomplished something extraordinary.” Ferdinand began to speak but then quietened as great uncle Mortimer raised his big left hand and then took Danni’s hand in it.
“My nephew is correct, you have done an extraordinary thing, through friendship and love you achieved what we could not with fear and foreboding. You changed the cold hearted Mrs Hedley-Sloan into Cynthia, the happy and loving woman who has just departed.
We both thank you deeply.”
Danni didn’t know what to say, had she really done so much?
Both the Grim’s stood up and great uncle Mortimer sighed.
“I must go now, Trevor and I are needed elsewhere, but we shall meet again Danni. Goodbye.”
With a swirl of his huge black cloak, and a glint of light upon Trevor, he was gone. Now Ferdinand held out his warm hand to her.

“This has been quite the most wonderful adventure.” He said beaming at her. “But it is time for you to return home and rest.”
“But what about Cynthia’s dolls?” She asked. “What will become of them now?”
“Don’t worry, she made provision for them in her will, they will have a permanent home and lots of children will come to see and play with them every day.”
Re-assured she took his hand and then Pan’s paw and together they turned away from the whiteness to walk out of her bedroom wall, home. Ferdinand tucked her into bed with Pan lying beside her.
“Will I see you again Ferdinand?”
“Well, if it would not be imposing too much upon you.” He said with a little grin. “When your duties as ruler of Xanubia allow, I should like to call on your services from time to time, to help me help those who are going astray.”
“What ? Be a Grim like you?” Danni enquired.
“No not a Grim, for we are the harbingers. No, I would like you to be a friend, as you were to Cynthia.”
He paused to stroke his chin meditatively.
“Yes, you would be Danni, the Dream Friend. How would that be?”
“Yes, I’d like that.” Danni said and then yawned.
She was very sleepy now and her eyelids were closing.
“Sleep well.” Ferdinand murmured softly and watched for a few minutes longer until she was soundly asleep.
Then he lifted his big leather bound book and made a note in it, for good deeds as well as bad are recorded in the Grim Sleeper’s ledger.
“I think Danni deserves this as well.” He commented to Pan and held out a silver grey sliver of rock from Mount Selene on a delicate chain. “Will you see that she gets it please Pan?”
“Of course Ferdinand.” The toy replied taking the pendant. “Now we should both be on our way, princess Danni is calling for me.”
“Of course.” Ferdinand nodded and turned around to walk through the bedroom wall.
“Majesty?” Pan enquired from his place beside her amethyst throne.

Reviews
I'd suggest the whole mss needs work.
Written by owl (6 comments posted) 1st September 2007
For example: 
“May I propose a toast.” The Captain said as he stood up.  
“To good journeys in the company of good friends.” 
One by one they raised their own glasses.  
“To good journeys in the company of good friends.”  
Edit and Structure Format: 
(5 indents)“May I propose a toast.” The Captain stood up. “To good journeys in the company of good friends.” 
(5 indents)One by one they raised their own glasses. “To good journeys in the company of good friends.”  
 
And this: 
One by one they raised their own glasses. “To good journeys in the company of good friends.”  
They all said bravely, but inside they felt like crying. 
Critique: 
A classic example of telling instead of showing. 
Limited suggestion: 
Only a few of the brave voices broke with sadness.
Food for thought
Written by John_O (140 comments posted) 3rd September 2007
Hi Owl 
thanks for the interest and suggestions. 
On the formatting issue. I am presenting the story here and no doubt it is not in the correct format but formatting is not my concern just now. 
 
When you say 'a classic example of telling instead of showing' I am a little mystified. This is a children's story that is written with telling in mind - I regard it as a bedtime story so it will, initially, be read to the child. In this context telling seems appropriate. However it might be worthwhile looking at how a more 'showing' style might work. 
 
But my basic question remains unanswered - how well, or not, did the death scene work ? 
Thanks 
John_O
Bedtime reading
Written by owl (6 comments posted) 4th September 2007
I cannot impress enough how far wide of the mark you are when you say that this is to be read as a bedtime story. Children who require mummy or daddy to read to them at bedtime will want 'When Bunny Met Fox' or somesuch. You may think I'm being a little harsh, but out of all the children's stories here for review, yours holds the most merit: but as an older reader/young adult sci-fantasy.  
When I talk of formatting, I talk of grammar, punctuation, syntax of dialogue; it is imperative you get this right from the start. Not do so is at best, lazy, and at worst, amateurish.  
Telling-not-Showing is an absolute must when writing for the older age group (in fact, it could be argued that it is a must for all age-groups). They see the story-line as a visual: the actions speak louder than the narrators words. Google 'show don't tell' and you'll get a million examples. 
I believe that your problem is this: 
You have a superb idea (quite stunning), your narrative is deep, heady even, but you need to improve your writing skills at a basic level. 
As for the death scene: I found it trite and unoriginal and based in Western theology (not terribly transferable). However, that is my opinion and since I have no connection with the characters...not having read the full mss...then I felt no sadness or loss. This does not mean that the death scene is wrong or inadequate. 
More importantly is that you start taking your idea seriously and write like a writer. 
Read others works and compare. Try Steve Voake or Michael Morpurgo or Philip Pullman. 
And the very best of luck....it's easier to win the lottery than it is to be a successful writer.  
But then, success hides in darkened corners, and is only ever found by those who refuse to give up.
Wise words Owl
Written by John_O (140 comments posted) 4th September 2007
Hi Owl 
now that is what I call a critique. 
Many thanks for laying out your thoughts in such detail, it is much appreciated. In particular your assessment of the age group that this story should be addressing, I find this very hard as I have no day to day contact with children. 
Grammar has always been an Achilles Heel, I shall try harder. 
Pity about your reacton to the death scene but I was trying to put into a visual context how people do have bonds of love and duty to each other and that these must part at death. I tried not to set it too much in a specific theological background but ones own experience will out I guess. 
Thanks too for the suggestions of authors to read, to date I have only picked up books by Philip Pullman, of those named. 
I have to take issue with your comment on the lottery, 14 million to 1 odds, I think that the chances of becoming an author are better than that ! (Dry Chuckle emits from stage left). Especially when someone, like your good self, takes the time to make such a thorough assessment of one small part of a story. 
I am much encouraged. 
John_O 
Only fourteen million to one????
Written by owl (6 comments posted) 4th September 2007
Goodness, I shall give up writing and dash down to my local lottery pod immediately! 
 
You should be encouraged, John. You have a distinct style.  
 
As for the reality of the maths: 
22,000 subs to my publisher last year (that's just one publisher, mind). 6 taken on. 4 failed sooned after launch. 1 just making a living. 1 success (i.e. film rights, foreign translations)...and it took him 6 years to get a deal. 
Buying a lottery ticket is less heartbreaking methinks.

Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 27th September 2007
What has been said so far is correct and I go along with it, but I will reiterate this: If you are writing for children, your spellings and grammar (particularly use of the apostrophe) is very important. Children are learning our language, and they must read correctly written English. I would even go as far as decrying expressions such as "I wanna" and "gonna" etc in the English language. I'm not saying that you have used them, but many do. Spoken speech doesn't have to be written in this way. Children today are learning the use of the apostrophe from the age of 5 years, and children can tell me where the apostrophes go and why. Do make sure you also know this and correct the mistakes. As for the typing: I am a retired teacher of secretarial work, so typing was high on my list: You need to type in single line spacing. You look as if this is in one and a half spacing. You need a double space between your paragraphs, and no indentations at all. That went out in the 1960s. To come back to grammar etc. Too many writers are putting into their work too many paragraphs. You only need a new paragraph when you change onto another topic. Other than that, you keep related work together. When you are using reported speech this is how you do it:  
 
"May I propose a toast?" the captain said, as he stood up. 
 
Not as you did it:  
 
“May I propose a toast.” The Captain said as he stood up. 
 
The sentence was a question and it needed a question mark, but as the reported speech was part of the sentence and the sentence was not yet completed, then you continue with a small "t".  
 
Children will definitely see these things. 
 
I do hope you'll view my comments as being the constructive and helpful comments they are meant to be.  
 
On the good side I would say that you have a brilliantly imaginative mind and with a lot of work on your English language, you should continue writing. 
 
A toast
Written by John_O (140 comments posted) 28th September 2007
Hi Josie 
thanks for highlighting the areas of inadequacy on the grammar side, I have a weakness there and often overlook good grammar in pursuit of the story. 
 
This story is under revision to improve it thanks to all the input I have received. 
So a toast to my reviewers, thank you for a job well done. 
John_O

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