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Poetry
My First Year in School (Revised)
By swapnet
23 August 2007
Here is a revised version of the poem. I have done some touch-up to the third paragraph and added an entirely new fourth one. I hope it makes much more sense as the premise becomes clear now. But I think the last two lines can still be improved. Please send me your suggestions.

It was my first year in school
and I was already detested.
Some guys whacked from behind
while the others persisted.

I lived a heck of a life
while my feet trembled.
I was trying to catch up despite
the colour I resembled.

I learnt to call a place home
that was never my own.
Hated, outcast and averted
I lived my days of unknown.

I cultivated mutiny and
illicit was shaping in me.
Wicked routes were opening up
for the new rebellion-to-be.

Reviews
Hi Swapnet
Written by remoh (24 comments posted) 23rd August 2007
i liked this. wish it was a litlle bit longer considering the subject. as i have burned my fingers trying my hand on poetry was a good learning experience for me reading this. 
An outcast, an alien, an outsider 
I tried not to be the unknown. i felt that line wasn't rhyming with the rest...may be minor alterationa are needed? dont make up ur mind based on my advice . not a poet. any ways i liked it. it was simple and staright to the point 
Regards 
Remoh 
My First Year at School
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 25th August 2007
Your first year at school can be the hardest year of all. I faced bullying until I was 7, and then, humiliated I refused to go to this school again and went to one in the next town. It is people who feel inferior themselves that set out to make others feel worthless. You learn, as you get older, to recognize them for what they are. Tell yourself that they are jealous of you for some unknown reason. Now to your poem. I guess you haven't quite got into poetry writing, but this is an excellent start. The first two verses were OK, but I think you should overhaul the last verse as it wasn't quite rhythmically correct and the rhyme between the second and last line were lost. I am sure you can fix this. Well done. Please review my poems too.

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