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Poetry
The First Time
By Snodlander
23 August 2007
Look out!  I'm attempting poetry again.

You can tell it's poetry, it rhymes.

Entered for a competition themed: The First Time

The first time that I saw you, you smote me as a thief.

You stole my breath from out me, ere I had finished it.

You robbed me of my senses, blinded of aught but you.

A thousand glances later, time’s not diminished it.

 

The first time that I touched you, when handing you a glass,

The accidental brushing of fingers touching light

Sent nerve messages coursing, bypassing brain and sense,

Jolting me so much harder than when I’m clutching tight.

 

The first time that we chuckled, when sharing some small joke,

It was the first time ever that I had laughter made.

The times before were empty, impostors of the truth.

I knew then that this laughter would never after fade.

 

The first time that we made love, our bodies side by side,

Our breaths and gasps united our moans and groans as one.

It was as though our spirits had loved for aeons past.

As souls had cleaved together, our flesh and bone has done.

 

The first time you betrayed me, it cut me to the core.

No flesh wound healing quickly, the knife sank through my heart.

And though you were the knifeman, you lone my wound could heal.

I begged you for forgiveness, though we both knew your part.

 

The last time that I saw you, you smote me as a thief.

You stole my heart and spirit, though it was never mine.

You robbed me of my laughter; you took all that was dear.

You stole it all, but didn’t, for it was ever thine.

Reviews
Very romantic, Snodders
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 23rd August 2007
I've said before that I believe you to be far stronger in prose - but that doesn't mean your poetry is without merit.  
 
I like this in spite of its faux-classical pretentions and Yoda-ese anastrophes  
 
"first time ever that I had laughter made" 
 
Great fun. In poetry forum a stranger not be. 
 
Oli :grin
Romance has not disappeared completely
Written by Josie (2844 comments posted) 23rd August 2007
Has it? I agree with Oli, and I hope your poem is not diminished in any way by the fact that I have taken the title, which challenged me to admit my failure in the poem above. Well done and do keep up the poetry.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3563 comments posted) 23rd August 2007
Yep, it rhymes so it's got to be poety, no question about it. 
Actually rhyming on the second and forth makes for quite a subtle one. It's hardly noticeable.  
You've gone for straight romance here. I was expecting something more quirky, or with a twist from you, but, fair play, you've a right to be as romantic as the next guy. 
I like the sentiments and the way you progressed through the relationship, though the expession was a bit overly poetic. You only get words like aught, cleaved and thine in poetry. Is it in the rules? 
cheers 
jane

Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 23rd August 2007
Yeah yeah yeah. Mock all you like. This is art, this is! Andrew Motion can't live forever, and I'm waiting. Then you'll all be sorry

Written by Fledermaus (3487 comments posted) 24th August 2007
I do agree with Oli that I like your prose better, but then that's comparing apples with pears. It's a nice poem, even though the subject has been written about too often. I good read.

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