I guess a more dedicated writer would have done a little research, found out some facts about what it was they were going to write about. But this piece reflects a certain failure before it's even started. I didn't want to write a scientific paper or a travelogue. What I wanted to write was a poem reflecting the beauty of what I'd seen, sharing my moment of pleasure; but for now, that's beyond me.
So, prose it is:
Over the turquoise sea, partially shrouded in a warm sea mist, lays the mainland. Sharp, folded hills slope down to the water and surround coastal villages. Nearer, back across on my side of the sea, the land slopes steeply, covered in palms and pines, down to the shoreline. Sitting next to the pool, book in hand, I can glance up and take in this vista at will.
Nearer still, swooping across the pool, and under, through and around the veranda, is a large family of noisy swallows. Experienced adults chase younger newly fledged birds - chirruping and shouting as they go from light to shade and back to light. Black topped with a white underbelly they dive and twist, soar and turn, hover and swoop. The algorithms and formulae of their dance would infinitely stretch the blackboards of Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard.
They have a whole landscape to explore, yet they choose to write their magic in my temporary space. White bellies turn powder blue as they fly low across the pool, reflecting refracted light.
The beauty of alchemy. Feather to sapphire, sapphire to feather. On and on.
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Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 26th August 2007 | I think this would make a really good poem. Much of it has a definite pulse, and apart from the formatting I don't think you'd have to change it all that much.
I like the contrast between the noisy swallows and the peaceful vista, and the last line finishes it off nicely.
Cheers,
Ben |
Written by Lizzy (806 comments posted) 26th August 2007 | Liked this Phil. Although you say it is not poetry the language is poetic and I like the metaphors you use.
Good one
Lizzy |
Written by andybyers (171 comments posted) 27th August 2007 | It's kind of a prose poem, then, isn't it. Not so much a narrative as a vignette. Surely it can boiled down to its poetic essence when the muse lights the gas for you. 
I'm disappointed that it doesn't mention custard creams, though.  |
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 28th August 2007 | Have you just been by any chance?
It's just that it's got that immediate feeling to it.
Is it poetry? Is it prose? How about poetic prose?
I liked your use of vivid imagery but thought it could have been longer.
Cheers
Chris |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3369 comments posted) 28th August 2007 | From your pre-amble, Phil, I get the impression you felt defeated before you started and I think it came across in brevity of the writing. This has the concentrated, succinct style that marks out poetry but without the structure. I suppose you felt that if you said more you would lose the moment but. I think, you could have said more, adding more context perhaps, and a bit of introduction, and bringing yourelf and your feelings into the equation so we experience it through you rather than just have it presented to us.I realise I haven't yet commented on the writing! .It was sharp and vivid with some fine metaphors
cheers
Jane |
Written by Phil (6738 comments posted) 28th August 2007 | | Thanks for reading and commenting. |
Written by johniebg (542 comments posted) 29th August 2007 | Interesting. This was only blighted by your defeat in creating poetry. Personally I think 99% poetry written anywhere is pretentious tosh that means something only to the author.
If you had maybe embraced this medium from the start it would have been beautiful, instead this is vivid, gives a sense of wonder and is maybe a little too sentimental for the casual reader.
Think you missed an opportunity to relay the life of the people through your description of the mountains/hills and the villages they harbour.
I guess moments like this occur to us all, especially on holiday. The moment here really stands out and has been vividly rendered but I can't get over the fact you think failure was not creating a poem. | HI Phil
Written by jean.day (2286 comments posted) 30th August 2007 | | Beautifully written. You let us picture the scene perfectly and share in your experience. But I did wonder why the birds chose the pool rather than the wider sea to be reflected in. I expect it was because they knew you were admiring them. |
Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 3rd September 2007 | Lovely. I especially liked "from light to shade and back to light." I'm not sure why exactly, maybe the rhythm and the simplicity, but that phrase in particular struck a nice chord. I do have a crit, and it should be taken with a grain of salt since I'm not a poetry person. Since I prefer to read prose, I'm not a huge fan of short poetry/prose hybrids. I'd rather read prose with a little more structure, or just read a poem. The form in which it's written now feels only half-formed to me, like it's not exactly sure if it's poetry or prose. That may be more personal opinion, though.
~Claire |
Written by sam (4 comments posted) 17th September 2007 | | I'm not good at giving constructive criticism. I either like the piece or not and this was beautiful. | Poetry or prose - important?
Written by Henry (57 comments posted) 16th November 2007 | Is it poetry, is it prose? And - does ist matter?
For me, there was a lot of Corfu in this piece, the way I know the island, as I have been there quite a few times.
You transported a certain feeling at a certain moment in time, and that is what counts.
Sure, it could be any other place than Corfu, but it inspired me wishing to pack the old suitcase and buy a ticket.
Cheers - Henry.
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