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"Stripped"
It seems like a distant memory- the blood, the screams, the confusion...
I was sitting in the backseat of our old Chevy station wagon, chewing a
piece of peppermint gum as I let my parent's convorsation fade into a
dull drone. Staring out the backseat window, I was thinking about how I
would spend this carefree summer day. A warm June breeze hit my face
and I smiled. Life was good.
The next thing I remember was being loaded into the back of an
ambulance, the metallic taste of my own blood filling my mouth- a
staggering pain in my head growing like a thunderstorm. Before the back
doors closed, I caught a glimpse of the twisted chunk of metal that
used to be our car- and the even more twisted figures inside that used
to be my family. As the warble of the sirens filled the cab, my vision
slowly faded into blackness.
- End Note - Never take anything or anyone or granted. Never think
about how you're GOING to spend your day, enjoy and appreciate what is
at hand. In other words, taste your breakfast before you taste your
dinner. Understand and accept that fact that one day, you're going to
die. It probably won't be when you expect, either.
- Eric
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Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 26th August 2007 | Hard to tell if this is fiction r true. If true, perhaps it should be in non fiction - as it isn't, I'll assume it is fiction....
I thought this an effective bit of flash fiction until the last paragraph - which I felt was far too didactic. It's hard to strike a balance. It did need something to round it off, but this was a little too preachy.
Phil. | Moving and Thought Provoking
Written by YaakovaShoshana (24 comments posted) 26th August 2007 | How much we take for granted and how quickly everything can change. A very effective reminder.
This put me in mind of a passage from THE SHELTERING SKY written by Paul Bowles nearly 60 years ago. Ironically enough, I first heard this passage quoted by a young man who died quite unexpectedly only a few weeks later:
"Because we don't know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. Perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless."
BTW, I notice from your profile that you're in the Air Force. Anyone who wears the uniform of our armed forces deserves my gratitude and my respect. So thank you, Eric, and God Bless. |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 26th August 2007 | The message in the end was a good one, but it's always a pity if a story needs something like that. I would have liked it if you had somehow worked it into the story itself.
"Metallic taste of blood" that's very well chosen. And thanks for the message, even though the way it's delivered is rather negative, I needed that. |
Written by jimbo (83 comments posted) 11th September 2007 | A moving piece, well written. The End Note detracts greatly, though. It takes me from my imagination back into the real world far too quickly. It reminds me that this work is just that - work. No matter how well you have written those first couple of paragraphs - and you've written them very well - I came back out of your creation with a real bump.
If you could have expressed the transitory aspect of life through the main body of your fiction - perhaps the main character could have been focusing on the destination or perhaps telling himself/herself to apologise to one or both parents for rude/nasty behaviour earlier in the day - then I believe it would have worked much better.
Still, the End Note was well written too.
Good work. Thanks for sharing.
Cheers.
Jim |
Written by Josie (2823 comments posted) 29th September 2007 | | Short and to the point. I also have a story to tell and the chances of my being here are one in a million. I also appreciate that you get the most out of every day. I really mean EVERY day, EVERY minute of the day, if possible. Was this a true story? |
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