I have put up a very similar piece in non-fiction as a work of prose. That was second best really - I wanted to capture this in some kind of verse. Still struggling with poetry. Honest crit appreciated.
Over the turquoise sea,
partially shrouded in a warm sea mist,
lies the mainland.
Sharp, folded hills
slope down to the water and surround coastal villages.
Nearer, back across my side of the sea,
the land slopes steeply,
covered in palms and pines,
down to the shoreline.
This vista is mine to absorb.
Nearer still,
swooping across the pool,
and under, through and around the veranda,
is a large family of noisy swallows.
Experienced adults chase younger newly fledged birds –
chirruping and shouting they go from light to shade and back to light.
Black topped with white underbelly
they dive and twist, soar and turn, hover and swoop.
The algorithms and formulae of their dance
would infinitely stretch the blackboards of Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard.
They have a whole landscape to explore,
yet they choose to write their magic in my temporary space.
White bellies turn powder blue
as they fly low across the pool,
reflecting refracted light.
The beauty of alchemy.
Feather to sapphire, sapphire to feather.
On and on.
Round and round.
|
Lovely
Written by Josie (2769 comments posted) 27th August 2007 |
| Oh Phil, let me be the first to tell you how much I enjoyed your poem. the description was so vivid, as was your language. I loved "The beauty of alchemy" and "Feather to sapphire, sapphire to feather, on and on, Round and Round". What a lovely description. I also loved the description of their dancing. Great stuff! |
A poem as well
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3323 comments posted) 30th August 2007 |
So you did write a "proper" poem about it. It's easy to miss poems as there are so many of them and one can quickly go out of "site" so to speak. Everyone's a poet, it seems.
It worked quite well as a poem, the language and style suited the poetic form and the metaphors had a lyrical poetic feel to them.
I suppose the focussed concentrated nature of poetry lends itself better to trying to capture a moment like that, that meant so much to you. It is such a difficult thing to do, to capture that sublime moment and to express it.
I would love to try and express the feelings I had when I saw the Gaudi buildings in Barcelona,man can beat nature in the beauty stakes. I even tried but as I'm no poet I gave up. So I congratulate you for a valiant effort.
cheers
jane |
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