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By no1butClo
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28 August 2007 |
Could be expanded? Help me out here, comments much appreciated.
She had uncut eyes,
diamonds in the rough
of a face, spattered with
trace-marks of acne and violence.
Hard, but transparent
enough to let the world
know it didn’t want to see
what lay behind.
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Pithy...
Written by patterjack (1430 comments posted) 27th August 2007 | ...amd gets to the point -- why add if it's not needed ?
Since diamonds in the rough are generally less than transparent , I think you should use the qualifier but rather than and
patterjack | I know her
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 28th August 2007 | Think I went out with her last week.
If so, yep, you said it all.
Nice.
Oli  | Oh!
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 28th August 2007 | In the first line your "uncut" could be anagrammatized to:
"u c*nt"
This is the only "improvement" I could suggest.
Oli |
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 28th August 2007 | You paint a pretty vivid picture. Effective.
Phil. |
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