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By DeepAsButter
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28 August 2007 |
This is a short story I wrote, if you can understand it, great, but I purposely made it abstract to form a better portrayal of what's going on. If you don't quite get it, just read it over slowly until you slowly begin to see the meaning. I really worked hard on this so I hope you like it.
He sat alone in his room, setting his gaze out the window facing the old playground outside. He stared at the little kids playing and began to remember why he came to be here, on this side, in the first place. He gently strummed a few chords on his old guitar, the one that his grandfather gave him when he was nine. slowly the memories started to flood his mind, then, as quickly as they entered, disappeared. Like the scent of a fresh rose he tried to savor it for as long as he could, to fill his mind with every property and appearance. He shifted his thoughts to his friends. His imaginary apparitions were all he really had. He couldn't quite remember who they were, but they always seemed to be there when he needed them. But not now...He slowly drifted to sleep as he forced his head to remember...remember anything, anything of what it was like before this...But nobody could tell him. He was alone...
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Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 28th August 2007 | I'm not usually thick when it comes to prose - but if there's some deeper significance to this, then it's lost on me.
Well enough written. For me, you could have written a lot more - developed it a little.
Phil |
Written by DeepAsButter (3 comments posted) 28th August 2007 | | Well, the story is written in a way that portrays the situation the person is in. The character suffers short-term memory loss, and that's why he is "Alone," and is described by "He slowly drifted to sleep as he forced his head to remember...remember anything, anything of what it was like before this...But nobody could tell him." Meaning that he wishes he could remember all the good and bad things that have happened to him. He has friends, but they are described in this story as "imaginary apparitions" because though they do exist, he can't remember who they are. He sort of understands their presence, but he just doesn't understand completely who they are or why they're there. Does this help? By the way I'm probably going to write more I just wanted to see how it was percieved by the audience. |
Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 29th August 2007 | Hi Dab.
Thanks for the info. It makes more sense with that, but I don't think there's enough in the text to go on. As a small part of something bigger, it would probably work well - the reader would be more familiar with context.
Phil. |
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 30th August 2007 | Makes more sense with the explanation, and although i didn't guess memory loss i thought perhaps he was sick. A very nice descritpive passage. You could do a lot more with it certainly. Perhaps slot into that passage something about the memory loss. I'm trying to come up with an example but it makes so much sense now you've explained it, it's perfect the way it is. This would make a good opening passage perhaps, and in the next give the explanation.
Great  |
Written by jimbo (83 comments posted) 11th September 2007 | This is beautifully written but - until I read the comments below - I couldn't see this person's situation. Was he dead, remembering his life?; was he alive and seeing ghosts? I suppose, with your explanation at hand, there are plenty of clues when you write so often about remembering and memory.
I'm looking forward to reading more of this though, so I hope you do expand it. It's very good and the thought of more to come is most welcome.
Cheers.
Jim |
Written by Fledermaus (3159 comments posted) 15th September 2007 | | I agree with Gill. It's a good opening passage. On its own it's hard to understand, but it could be a great start of something. Well written indeed. |
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