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Rite of passage (Revision)
By wyld_card
29 August 2007
This is a revision of a piece I wrote, taking into account some the advice I received last time. I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to read my last edition especially those who left gratefully received crits. I'm still not a hundred percent sure of this redraft so as always all advice is welcome.

WC

As the sun drops below the horizon, the bonfires in the centre of the compound are lit, their flames licking towards the heavens as thunder like drumbeats begin to fill the air. Sheltering in a crude wooden shack at the far end of the compound, a young warrior runs a whetting stone down the already ice slick edge of her blade as she listens to the howls of her fellow shape shifters mingling with the now frantic sound of the drums. Reaching a thrashing climax the noise of the drums swiftly fades away to be replaced by the soft sad sound of panpipes.

As Sasha carefully slides the blade back into its sheath the commanding voice of the tribal lore master carries over the music's haunting melody carrying the minds of all who listen back through the years to the beginning of time as he recites the tale of her peoples beginning.

"They will be ready for you soon." Standing in the doorway her mentor watches her every movement, "are you prepared?"

"I think so?" Sasha mumbles her finger reflectively stroking the small piece of jade set into the handle of her blade.

"You think so?" Hobbling into the room his damaged leg dragging behind him his staff thudding against the hard earth floor with each step Tor's face contorts in anger. "You best be damn sure before you stand before the council."

"I will be," She replies in a voice that is little more than a whisper, "I'm just a little nervous."

"There's no need to be," he soothes the expression on his face easing into mild concern as he leans his weight on his staff, "I've taught you well so this is no more than a formality."

"Unless someone challenges me," Sasha reminds him, "and we both know that Ivan will."

"Perhaps." Turning away from her Tor seems to have said his piece but after a moment, he speaks again. "Ivan is nothing more than a spoilt child; he thinks his family name entitles him to do as he pleases."

Nodding her head in agreement Sasha shudders as she remembers the young nobles attempt to woo her, "He is just that, but he still has the right to challenge my acceptance."

Turning around her mentor stares long and hard at her, "You seem quite certain that he will challenge you?"

Sasha's feels her face turn red, "He's never forgiven me for turning down his romantic advances."

"Was there anything to forgive?" asks Tor raising a single eyebrow.

Shaking her head Sasha smiles, "He just doesn't know how to take no for an answer."

Nodding gently Tor places his large rough hand on Sasha's shoulder, "Then you know what to do if he should challenge you."

"Yes, Lord," she answers her voice steadier as she grips the handle of her weapon, "that I do."

When the time comes and the moon is at the zenith of its arc through the cloudy sky, the clear sweet sound of a single hunting horn sounds and Sasha walks alone towards the centre of the compound. Passing through the swirls of sweet smelling grey smoke, she once again touches the protective talisman on her sword hilt in an attempt to ward off the ill omen of rain threatened by the cold damp air. Personally Sasha does not believe in omens, preferring to believe that her fate is as of yet undecided, but she also knows that the council of elders place a great deal of faith in such things and that a storm on the night of the great rites would be seen as a very ill omen indeed. The crowd parts like a curtain to allow her clear passage to the raised wooden dais where the council are seated awaiting her arrival, as she moves forward the crowd falls back into place and Sasha struggles to suppress a tiny shudder as she realises that she will either leave this circle an adult or as a corpse.

Stopping a respectable distance from the council, Sasha takes a deep breath holds up her head and pushes back her shoulders, Tor told her appearance is an important tool so she wants to look as strong as possible as she begins.
 
"I'm Sasha Rivers," she keeps her voice sharp a clear challenge to those in the crowd who mutter and stare; "Daughter of Bor Rivers and I come here today to claim the right of adulthood."

Everyone knew her bloodline, and yet Sasha notes a collective gasp escapes the crowd as council leader Acelin stands from his chair. He stares long and hard at her, and Sasha feels as if his soft blue eyes so out of place on his hard grey haired face are seeing beyond her taunt muscles and devil may care attitude. At that moment it seems to her as if he can see straight into her soul, see that she is still the scared girl she was two seasons before when Tor had taken her under his wing, but as he speaks it seems he has seen nothing of the sort.

"You feel you are ready child?" his voice is soft and confident knowing that no one will dare speak over him.

"I do, Lord," Sasha is careful to loose the sharpness from her voice but none of its confidence.

"So be it," he replies his eyes scanning across the compound.Are there any persons here who would challenge her right to be known as an adult?"

For a moment, the world is so still that it is almost as if time has stopped, but then the unmistakable rasp of a sword leaving its scabbard sounds and a familiar declares, "I challenge her right."

Turning her head Sasha sees Ivan step from the crowd a naked weapon held in his right hand.

"I challenge her right," he repeats his eyes firmly held on the dais.

"On what grounds?" Acelin asks his tone even, his eyes cold and unreadable.

"She is not fit to be one of us." Turning his head to face Sasha he continues, "You are the bastard child of a disreputable bloodline trained by a used up old cripple and I doubt that there is any pack present who would take you as a member."

"Arrangements have already been made," Sasha replies her hand on the hilt of her weapon, "I'm to join the Blood moons."

A burst of cruel laughter escapes Ivan's lips as he looks round to where the blood moons stand beneath their banner of three claw marks imposed on a silver full moon, "I'm sorry, I meant to say no proper pack would have you, but I'm sure you'll fit right in with Kay's misfits."

For just a second it seems as if pitched battle will break out between the two packs as weapons are drawn and insults called, but Acelin brings this to an end as quickly as it starts drawing his blade and rams the point into dais with a thunderous crash.

"Enough," the cold fury in Acelin's voice makes the would be combatants freeze on the spot, "this is not the place for your bad blood and which pack the girl joins is a matter for after the rite of passage."

"Yes, Lord." replies her future pack leader sheathing her weapon and returning to her pack.

Returning his glaze to Sasha whose hand has begun to tremble as Ivan's words play over in her mind his voice is once again soft, "You can still walk away?"

"No my Lord," Sasha replies picking her words carefully, "he has insulted my family honour, and despite the mystery surrounding my fathers death I will not stand for that."

"Honour?" Ivan sneers pointing the tip of his needle like blade at her, "what would you know of family honour, you are the child of a coward and a deserter?"

"There was never any proof that my father did anything wrong," Sasha replies pulling her blade free of it's scabbard, "in fact no one knows exactly what happened the day my father died.

"I know the sacred ground he guarded fell," Ivan retorts his voice dripping in saracasm , "and I know his body was found away from the rest of his pack with his wounds in his back. So I think I know enough to call him both a coward and a deserter."

"Enough," Acelin calls sitting up on his chair, "as challenged party the girl may choice weapon and form. Let us get this over with."

"I choice single blade combat, and restrict us to human form." Raising the talisman to her lips she asks, "So do we fight for first blood or to the death?"
"I shall neither ask for nor give quarter," Ivan replies rising his blade and advancing.
 
 
The first strokes of any duel are normally light half hearted, more designed to test an opponent than to do any damage but each of Ivan's thrusts seems designed to perforate Sasha's heart. Watching the fire light glint off the tip of her opponents blade, Sasha waits for each thrust before parrying with her own blade as she steps away. Repeatedly she parries his lighter blade with her own as she steps away to safety, on some thrusts, she tries a counter swing but none of these come anywhere close to the rigid leather of his jerkin. So mostly, she watches the way he slides his blade away from hers whenever they collide unwilling to risk his light blade against her heavy sword.

The crowd cheer every movement of the fight knowing that they are seeing a fine display of swordsmanship but as Ivan's thrusts slow in pace, and Sasha's blocking becomes more erratic they begin to bay for blood. Sensing that the time is right Sasha pretends to loose her footing and falls backwards, and when Ivan sees the opening in her guard, he thrusts with all his strength realising too late that it is a ruse as Sasha steps to one side her blade singing through the air towards his neck. Everyone gasps as at the last second she diverts the killing blow sending the blade across her opponents check instead of into his jugular.

"That," She sings dancing out of striking distance, "is for referring to the bravest warrior I know as a used up old cripple."

"I'm going to gut you like a fish," he roars blood pulsing through the fingers of his left hand as he tries to stem the bleeding.

"You can try," Sasha smiles raising her blade to the guard position her fears and doubts washed away by the indescribable joy of battle, "but if you don't stop with the insults I'll have to leave you even more useless to your woman than you are now."

As Ivan begins to attack, again she smiles confidently, before his moves where well aimed and perfectly executed but now she is under his skin he rapidly savagely thrusts his blade in an attempt to over power her. Rather than attempt to parry and counter these powerful blows, Sasha simply moves away, laughing as she glides and sidesteps. Growing more and more frustrated Ivan again over extends himself but this time rather than strike at him she smashes her blade into his and with an almighty thud his blade breaks clean in two. With the tip of her blade on his throat, she forces him backwards until he trips and falls, laying flat on his back he growls loud enough for the now silent crowd to hear "Get it over with. I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE."

"Of course your not," Sasha retorts removing the blade from his throat, "but that would be the easy way out. You will live and you will fight for our people need every warrior we can muster, and for that reason alone I SASHA RIVERS, WARRIOR OF THE FOREST PEOPLE LET YOU LIVE."

The cheering begins at the back of the crowd but quickly spreads as Acelin nods and Ivan storms from the compound followed by his pack.

"You'll need to watch that one," Tor warns her as the crowd disperses, "but that is a worry for tomorrow. You have done well your father would be proud, I know I'M."

The tears that had been threatening for fall now do Tor limbs away to join the celebrations and she walks to join her new pack as an adult.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 29th August 2007
I think I said the first time around that fantasy is not one of my favourite genres. I enjoyed this - so well done. I don't think I gave a detailed crit before, but I jotted a few things down as I read this time. 
 
Throughout, there are examples of misplaced or missing commas. As you use a lot of long sentences, it is important they are marked well to help the reader understand exactly what you are saying. I don't have a problem with the long sentences, but it might be an idea to throw in a few short ones for impact and variety. This can also effect the pace of a piece. 
 
I kept feeling that this should have been written in the past tense and kept stumbling because of this. I can't put my finger on why - sorry. 
 
My main crit would be that it wasn't until the end that the point of view was clearly established as Sasha's. Until then it was almost as if you were reporting events - therefore it was difficult to connect with your central character. 
 
These points are not intended to rubbish the piece - just one opinion on how it might be improved. I did enjoy it - and for the record - it's good to see someone experimenting with complex sentences. 
 
Phil

Written by Asferthecat (851 comments posted) 30th August 2007
I enjoyed this before and I have enjoyed it again. A few mistakes - checks instead of cheeks, limbs instead of limps. Don't just rely on a spell checker, there is no substitute for careful rereading after you have written a piece. 
I think that in the previous story the leader of the Moon Bloods stepped forward and offered Sasha a place. I think this was more dramatic than it having already been arranged. 
I hadn't realised it until reading Phil's crit but yes, the POV should be better established to give the piece yet more impact.

Written by AnnieSeed (128 comments posted) 6th September 2007
I think this is good. I don't always get on with fantasy but I found this "user friendly" and it was easy to assimilate the circumstances of the society in which Sasha is living.  
 
I also usually find the present tense very awkward and clumsy but I didn't even notice this time. My only quibble would have been that Sasha was in a position to do Ivan's woman a HUGE favour but didn't! : )

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