Following his claim that UK floods were a punishment from God for pro-homosexual legislation, the Bishop of Carlisle has now revealed that a persistent wave of natural disasters throughout the world proves beyond doubt that this phenomenon has reached international proportions.
Recent deluges have underlined how Bangladesh is rife with buggery, a rare act of anal sex between two giant male pandas led to an earthquake in China, and an outbreak of quiche-baking in Jamaica was abruptly curtailed as Hurricane Dorothy cruised through the Caribbean. Wildfires in Greece left local shirtlifters exposed after Specsavers’ Queen of Lesbos, Nana Mouskouri, gave an impromptu plate-smashing extravaganza in aid of gay bouzouki victims. There are no reports of injuries to any British holidaymakers from Brighton.
“I don’t wanna rub anyone up the wrong way, y’understand, an’ leave these knob-lickers frothin’ at the mouth,” said the bishop, “but they’re quite clearly walking disaster areas. My brother was steamed to death by an enormous geyser in Iceland…. an’ all ‘ee asked for was a couple o’ fish fingers. I know it must be a bummer when flash floods plough through your mud ‘ut and destroy all y’belongings because I lived in Hartlepool when Mandelson was MP”.
Following his interview on Blue Peter, the bishop was struck by lightning after being globally warmed by a rent boy during a screening of the documentary “Up Pompeii”. He will be cremated at his birthplace, in Sellafield.
Michael Fish says:
Remember, if you do see a man up your street wearing tight leather shorts, juggling fluffy pink pom-poms and whistling the Wizard of Oz, check the long-range weather forecast.
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Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 29th August 2007 |
Fantastic stuff. Just slightly over the edge, with a touch of cream, and a cherry on top is how I like my satire.
Liked it a lot.
Cheers
Chris |
Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 29th August 2007 |
Well fluff my chuff. I thought Lancashire was full of chutney ferrets, but the weather's been as shit as usual over here.
Enjoyed this a lot.
Phil. |
Hi Coosh
Written by jean.day (2326 comments posted) 30th August 2007 |
Very clever as usual. You managed to offend just about everybody in such a few sentances - religion, children's tv, music lovers, fish finger enthusiasts, innocent animals, polititians, and of course gays.
And when I thought it through, I have to admit that that bridge in Minneapolis was very close to where my niece and her beautiful partner live. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3449 comments posted) 30th August 2007 |
If you ask me those damn fish finger enthusiasts deserve what they get, them and their bloody breadcrumbs.
When you're sending up people like that Bishop and his psychotic ramblings the only way to do it is by going right over the top which is where you gleefully dragged us.
Satire and then some
Jane
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Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 1st September 2007 |
| There was an American evangelist, Pat Something, who started coming out with this stuff - Scotland, he said, was a "dark country" full of "strong homosexuals" - unfortunately he didn't say it at chucking out time on a Saturday night down the Gallowgate. Thanks for your comments - I hadn't anticipated reprisals from fish-finger enthusiasts, so I may end up getting Captain Birdseye on my back, so to speak. |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 1st September 2007 |
| Incidentally, Jean, have they yet discovered why that bridge collapsed? |
Hi Coosh
Written by jean.day (2326 comments posted) 2nd September 2007 |
| My understanding is that the basic design was not a very good one - and they are now closely checking the hundreds of bridges in the States of similar design. But if I hear anything more specific, I will let you know. |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 3rd September 2007 |
| Pigeon dung - corrosive guano causes steel to rust faster, according to Fox News, so it must be true. |
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 5th September 2007 |
Pat Robertson was spot on with his comments.
Otherwise, I enjoyed your over the top satire.
I feel slightly uncomfortable though, that by sending up the zealots, we inadvertently boost the PC brigade.
Frankly, I don't care that my aversion to the whole concept of buggery is old fashioned. So be it. Rampant poofery is positively encouraged these days by the media etc. There needs to be some balance, being a staunch atheist though, I think the last people to comment should be gay vicars and pedo-priests.
Sorry D, a wee rant in your back garden. A fine piece and thought provoking.
Oli |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 5th September 2007 |
No worries, Oli. I seem to recall your views on homosexuality on this site before, when you managed to send the review counter into meltdown! Let us not forget that the Scottish national football team once played in pink (or, as the SFA called it, "salmon"), and promptly lost to a highly talented sheep-shearing XI from the Faroe Islands.
It just struck me as ironic that the Bishop of Carlisle made these comments at the same time as the attacks on London and Glasgow which were carried out, according to the British press, by a bunch of lunatic extremist fanatics - there is a certain amount of hypocrisy. As regards natural disasters, these were the preoccupations of Voltaire, Borges, etc., who came to the conclusion that God created the world and then forgot about it. Let's just hope he hasn't forgotten the lads at Hampden on Saturday. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 6th September 2007 |
I laughed myself silly at this!
After the 1906 San Francisco earthquake, it was gleefully noted that more saloons managed to weather the tremors than churches. I can't remember what the percentage comparison was, but it did look as though God was keeping an eye out for the lushes but smiting those who were worshipping him. Now, how would the Bishop of Carlisle explained that one away? |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 6th September 2007 |
San Andreas - Saint Andrew - Scotland - Pat Roberston - homosexuality - throw in a half-naked, sexy French cryptographer, I think we've got a Dan Brown novel.
Cheers Witzl - thought-provoking, as always. |
Written by jimbo (83 comments posted) 11th September 2007 |
I laughed like a loon reading this ... then you spoiled it when I read your comments: why did you have to mention the 'salmon' kit and the Faroes?! My life was going quite well until you reminded me. (Yes, I DID manage to forget it. Might need a new prescription NOW, thank you very much!!)
Still, for that wonderfully biting satire ... all is forgiven. 
Cheers.
Jim |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 14th September 2007 |
What's it like being inside your head coosh? quite a lugh by the sounds of things 
Those last two lines had me in stiches but unofrtunately I fear that the tight leather short image may sty with me for a while and, even more unfortunately, my brain seems to have irrevocably associated it with Michael Fish...
It's enough to drive you to drink.
Enjoyed this a lot, as always.
E |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 14th September 2007 |
| Pissed amongst the larvae again, eh, Elli.... many thanks. |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 8th October 2007 |
Being Catholic, I first wasn't even aware that Anglicans don't have the celibacy. So I wondered what all this fuss about gay priests was about, as priests are suposed to be a-sexual by definition.
Gosh, this explains all disasters in ancient Greece...
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Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 9th October 2007 |
| Interesting thought, Fledermaus... the Minoans must have been at it like rabbits... many thanks... |
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