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Great Writing - Home > Comedy > The NEW Richard III
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Comedy
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| The NEW Richard III | |
| By andybyers | ||||||||||||
| 29 August 2007 | ||||||||||||
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The old classics of the English language need to be brought up to date for today's youth, with more action, more confrontation, more edge! Here's a sample of Richard III, written to make it hip and cool for today's young people...  INT. A MEAD HALL IN MEDIEVAL ENGLAND The merry court of HENRY, EARL OF RICHMOND. Enter LORD STANLEY and RICHARD III. LORD STANLEY (introducing RICHARD III) Your Majesty, the Pretender. RICHARD III How wrong thou speakest, assface. HENRY, EARL OF RICHMOND What seekest thou, bag of douche? RICHARD III Forsooth, thou who wouldst of thine own father a cuckold make, I thence me here to rap. HENRY, EARL OF RICHMOND First mindest thy tongue, then on with it gettest. RICHARD III Thou art, and no mistake, a man possessed of not one asshole, but a multitude thereof; and moreover, grapevines have it that they each and every one abetteth thee in thine interloping of my 'hood. EARL OF OXFORD What of it, dung-addled? HENRY, EARL OF RICHMOND Hold! He speaketh unto me. RICHARD III Aye, and verily too. Indeed, methinks thou wouldst pretend, presume, pre-empt thyself — and this company of those who do most assuredly sup upon John Thomases — unto my very crib! HENRY, EARL OF RICHMOND Enough! He advanceth upon RICHARD III. HENRY, EARL OF RICHMOND (CONT'D.) (reciting, as if a spell) A cap in thine ass shall poppèd be, when next we meet, and worried be thine underlings, to see thee fall, who hail from Sodom, one and all. With glee shall I unbloom thy rose, and unto me collect thy hos. So mark me well! and bide thy time! till by me rendered bones and slime. Begone! RICHARD III Be thou fed upon dung! I am away. Exit RICHARD. LORD STANLEY Alas, we are diss'd! EARL OF OXFORD What for this, o my king? Surely we will not suffer yon sorry man bitch-issued, wherewithal he hath said, to get away? HENRY, EARL OF RICHMOND Nay, fear not; I spake not in haste nor jest; neither took I the piss. This very night shall his ass be kickèd, and up shall his shit be fuck'd, by this manly host here about me. ALL cheer. HENRY, EARL OF RICHMOND To arms, dear friends! Let ye the locking and also unto it the loading be done! Mount up, and gallop by vile Richard's posse, and by so doing shall we waste him and those thereabout, and be thus avenged! To arms! Exeunt, ALL cheering. HERE ENDETH THE SCENE.
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