All police leave was cancelled last night and 'walking wounded' officers on sick leave were drafted in to fill desk and other administrative positions as every available officer was mobilised for a major sweep codenamed Operation Scumbag.

In a precisely timed raid, wave after wave of every available police vehicle (all manned to capacity) surrounded the outermost limits of the estates in Norris Green and Croxteth, where 11-year-old Rhys Jones was murdered last week.

CSOs – Community Support Officers, also known as 'Specials' – were included in the operation, each of them being assigned an experienced serving police officer as partner for the evening. This was arranged to avoid the problem of CSOs being (technically) not authorised to make an arrest. Every police cadet in the later stages of training was also in attendance, gaining valuable 'work experience' by observing from a safe, supervised distance beyond the outer limits of the cordon of support vehicles.

One local resident who did not wish to be named said:
"It was like a famous historical battle. They just drove into place, locked shields, and started walking towards the centre of the estate. There was nowhere for the scumbags to run to, and before long the scum were so confused they started fighting each other instead of the police. It was carnage. I loved it: I can't wait for the film to come out  … what d'you mean, it wasn't a film shoot? No stuntmen? Real blood??  Wow!"

In a significant development, police used recent changes in legislation to streamline the way in which the operation was carried out. Under a new guideline of "Guilty until proved Innocent" no distinction was made between active combatants and passive bystanders. No exceptions were made: every person not positively identified as 'Police' was funnelled back through the lines and herded into TA 'cattle truck' troop transports drawn up on the outer perimeter of the infamous Boot Estate. As each truck reached capacity, it was driven off under armed guard to a Holding Centre at the Altcar training camp north of Liverpool. Unconfirmed reports indicate that the elderly were given the first decent meal they have had for some time, due to them being too intimidated to leave their houses to go shopping under 'normal' circumstances. These people, and those too young to be a serious threat to society, are expected to be able to return either to their own homes or to stay with relatives as soon as the houses throughout the estate have been searched and (where necessary) made safe.

The Health & Safety Executive were on duty as each truck arrived at the training base, and those bearing evidence of involvement in acts of violence were ordered to strip and shower. Where necessary, extra delousing and disinfection treatments were enforced. The combatants were subsequently kitted out with dayglo orange one-piece coveralls and taken under armed guard to Salthouse Dock, where ferries were waiting to shuttle them to a stripped down hulk towed out of the Cammell Laird yard and anchored in mid-river.

A Government spokesperson said a short time ago that once filled to capacity, the ship would be towed beyond the 12-mile limit of the UKs national waters and anchored safely, some distance from any established shipping lanes so as not to become a potential hazard for other vessels.

"This way, they won't appear on our prison population statistics, and quite honestly they won't be our problem any more." was the officially stated Government position.

Asked what provision had been made for the welfare of the prisoners, the spokesperson replied that a scrupulously fair method of calculation had been used, and exactly the same degree of thoughtfulness and consideration had been given to this matter as the prisoners had shown for their victims. 

Breaking News.

There are unconfirmed reports of as many as two hundred assorted bulldozers and JCBs currently being deployed on or travelling towards the district formerly known as Norris Green/Croxteth. Eyewitnesses claim that these lines of traffic are being followed by hundreds of singing, cheering volunteers carrying spades and shovels, apparently ready and willing to assist in the utter, immediate removal of all traces of the estate from the demographic map of Liverpool……..