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By Phil
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02 September 2007 |
For the record, I'm not feeling morbid.
Came across the title by accident and thought I'd experiment with line breaks. Honest criticism is fine.
Phil
The ashes of youth
On the table before me lies:
A bleached out photograph;
Infant child, melting
Ice cream sliding down
Paper thin skin,
Smiling.
A locked diary
Of secrets, forever
Hidden.
A trophy missing
Head, but feet still
Kicking.
A peaked cap,
Sun faded
From a long gone
Holiday.
A school report, wrinkled
From repeated, proud
Readings.
An urn, stony
And cold.
The ashes
Of youth.
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Written by Sinnerman_Pfank (17 comments posted) 2nd September 2007 | Evening Phil
Pretty powerful stuff, I thought. I'd hate to see you in action when you were feeling morbid! For what it's worth, I didn't understand the choice of line structure, but I'm no expert.
Particularly liked;
"A trophy missing
Head, but feet still
Kicking".
(just for future reference, was does dishonest criticism look like?)
Best wishes
Sinnerman
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Written by Phil (6688 comments posted) 2nd September 2007 | Thanks Sinner. I think I meant: don't hold back. Poetry is something I don't feel comfortable with and any crits are welcome.
The line breaks are something no1butClo or Gutterkitty (can't remember which) do so well. Just thought I'd have a go.
Phil | Ashes of Youth
Written by Josie (2780 comments posted) 3rd September 2007 | | An interesting mixture of things here Phil. I think you have given us all things to think of as we remember our childhood. I would not say "youth" because it's difficult to know where that starts and ends isn't it? You are still young I am sure. As someone who is 100. For me, I don't like this line break: Infant child, melting - for the melting has nothing to do with the infant child, and I had to read it twice to understand what you meant. School report, wrinkled made sense. I know I may differ from the others, but I do like my thoughts linked at least on one line to make reading easier. Well done. I may try something like this myself. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 3rd September 2007 | I liked this. I thought you said a lot in a few words which is, I suppose, what poetry is all about
It was, though,a cold almost brutal statement and lacked the warmth and pathos that I'm sure would have been there had you written this as a non-fiction piece, which ,I think, is your forte.
As for line breaks, just don't get me started. Odd ones always throw me and force me to read it again. Why is it poets think the rules of grammar and syntax don't apply to them. Personally I think they do it because they want it to look like a poem and are just to lazy too make the thing rhyme
Unlike you, Phil I don't even try
Jane | Hi Phil
Written by jean.day (2266 comments posted) 3rd September 2007 | I liked this, but I agree with Josie on the Infant child, melting line. I wouldn't mind if it said: Infant child, licking - but all the other funny lines worked okay.
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Written by Fledermaus (3248 comments posted) 9th September 2007 | | Rather abrubt... Which worked well for me to underline the contrast. Interesting concept... |
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