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Counterfeit

By RegisteredGhost

04 September 2007

Again, all constructive criticism is more than welcome. And if anyone wants to throw some possible poetry titles my way for what's already written, that'd be great, I'm no good at those.

A counterfeit you are, my friend
your face absent of care
the hands I've held have crippled me
and left me lying there

Your laughter like a bell I heard
your voice danced with the wind
the things I hadn't spoken of
through conversations' wend

I struggled with illustrious prose
to prove my worth against your words
your wretchedness mine eyes beheld
such vision has belied my world

Reviews

Constructive criticism
Written by Josie (2496 comments posted) 4th September 2007

wind and wend don't rhyme. You must search for other words I'm afraid. Last verse: words and world don't rhyme and second line has too many words for the rhythm. These are little things you can easily correct (well perhaps not easily, but it is a challenge I think). Also, you need some punctuation in your poem to help the reader in the normal way. Sorry but you did ask for constructive criticism.

Written by RegisteredGhost (9 comments posted) 4th September 2007

Don't apologize, you've given me what I asked for. I was aiming for alliteration with the first consonants and not quite for a rhyming scheme since my pronunciation is sometimes odd and I've never quite mastered meter, either. The thing about punctuation is I don't know how to do it for poetry. It's all well and good when used in a paragraph but I can't quite tell where I'd need them (or want them) here. Is there a path or a recipe for punctuation in poetry? Nice job on the second line, I couldn't decide which one was throwing me off. Mulled it over for weeks and still couldn't figure it out, thank you.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3136 comments posted) 4th September 2007

I think counterfeit fits the bill perfectly.
I liked the construction and the way it rhymed and scanned. Ok you stretched the rhyme a bit in places but it still worked.
I liked the conept of someone being counterfeit,though, for me. the last two lines don't really work
cheers
Jane

Written by Phil (6387 comments posted) 5th September 2007

Funny how different people react differently. The half rhymes worked well for me - a little more gentle than a fully fledged match. I also liked the slighlty irregular pulse - in fact the middle verse was too regular, if anything.

I agree with Janes last comment.

Phil.

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