I know it has been a while, but I can no longer leave my story incomplete. I am introducing the second of many chapters to you in the extended work section. I will try not to leave you hanging like this, but I probably only get internet once every one to two weeks, so hang on and savor what I have written.
A Bottle of Brandy & a Pint of Irish Beer,
-TurboWolffe ;)
P.S: If the moon theme seems over used, remember, the moon is evrything to a werewolf. Without the moon, there is no werewolf. It is the very essence of their souls.
Silver Moon: Chapter# 2:
I flung the lifeless body of the pale demon to the ground, in front of the leader. He surveyed it carefully and grinned with pleasure.
"You have surely earned an honorable raid, my friend."
I stood, silently pleased, and waiting for what he would say next. After all, he was the leader of this large clan, and I was only one of the sub-leaders.
Thorden, the clan leader, glared at the lifeless and pale body of the vampire. His yellow eyes seemed to pierce the flesh, searching for something.
"Take this to your human dwelling, burn it in the sun, and bring me the bones the next full moon. Take a rib-bone for yourself, for each of the troop leaders shall have one to pierce the heart of each one of the dark, bloodsucking souls they find. I will find a use for he rest of the bones when it comes to me, if not, though, we shall just dispose of them in the darkness of the lake. The skull, on the other hand, shall rest on a pole before our territory. That should intimidate Vlad a bit, and put him in a dangerous situation." Thorden grinned again, his silver, tapered teeth glinting in the alluring moonlight.
I reached down to pick up the corpse, flung it back over my shoulder, and raced through the trees, back to my "human dwelling" as Thorden called it. I could only find one, natural place to put it: I flung it before the wooden door that I had spent so long rubbing garlic into, and took a metal, pointed cross and plunged it into his chest. I had to wait until morning, when my mother would surely discover it, before even considering touching it. Then I could surely burn it properly in the early morning sun.
I was about to leave it there when I remebered one last thing. I gripped the demon's garments, and ripped them into shreds with my teeth. I was hoping it would look more natural. After that, I left him there, cloaked in the silvery, mystical veil cast by the moon's glow.
The darkness of the trees drew me in as I ran to one of my favorite peaks in the mountains. The kind moon that I had known for so long guided me without fault as I made my way up the familiar, mountain path.
The peak jutted out in front of the moon as a dark sihlouette. A peaceful wind blew around the rocks as I slowly mounted the final rocks of the mountainside. I stood there, on the peak, savoring the wind in my dark fur as the kind, caressing touch of the moon's silvery veil was cast down on me. Although the hunger for flesh still gnawed at my insides, I let the peacefulness of the moon spill over me. I let it soak into my fur, let it stir around inside me, let my wild nature fall asleep. Then I suddenly awoke that wild beast inside me, and unleashed a long, drawn out howl that echoed across the land.
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Note Written by TurboWolffe (98 comments posted) 4th September 2007 | Now, if you have not read the first part of Silver Moon, then drop on over to the sci-fi and fantasy section of the site and search for Silver Moon by: TurboWolffe. I should help the rest of this new info make more sense. Don't forget that this is an extended work! (Silver Moon might be down a few pages so don't give up when you look.) -TW | Written by stevetroster (1555 comments posted) 11th September 2007 | There is a lot to like about this piece and it is a definite improvement over part one. There are a few typo and grammatical errors that a proof read should sort out and a few nice passages that could be tidied up, e.g. Savoring the wind in my dark fur as the kind, caressing touch of the moon's silvery veil was cast down on me. Savoring the feel of the wind through (or ‘on’) my fur and the caressing touch of the moon’s silver veil as it shone down upon me. There are also a few slightly untidy passages, notably: That should intimidate Vlad a bit. 'Intimidate Vlad a bit', just does not work in a 15th Century horror! I look forward to reading more so keep it going, but don’t stay up too late writing or mum will 'ave you. All the best, Steve. PS. As I’m getting very little information about the sex of your werewolf, why not try a She-werewolf for a change?? PPS. Put them back in SF and Fantasy, that's where your target audience is. | Written by TurboWolffe (98 comments posted) 18th September 2007 | TW here! yeah, i should probably state what gender my werewolf is. you do have a point there, but i wasn't sure whether to leave that out or not. if i left it out, then it would be a bit mysterious, if i didn't, then we'd know the darn thing to well, and werewolves are mysterious supernaturals. A Bottle of Brandy & a Pint of Irish Beer, TurboWolffe P.S: i have to say, my writing has improved quite a lot since what, march? i am pleased with myself, but not yet content with my skills. | Written by TurboWolffe (98 comments posted) 18th September 2007 | TW here! yeah, i should probably state what gender my werewolf is. you do have a point there, but i wasn't sure whether to leave that out or not. if i left it out, then it would be a bit mysterious, if i didn't, then we'd know the darn thing to well, and werewolves are mysterious supernaturals. A Bottle of Brandy & a Pint of Irish Beer, TurboWolffe P.S: i have to say, my writing has improved quite a lot since what, march? i am pleased with myself, but not yet content with my skills. | Written by KaydieKate (63 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 | There were a couple of over-used adjectives. Like "flung." 3x, I think. Doesn't sound like much...but it is. Much more information! A great improvement. I agree with Steve, though. "...intimidate Vlad a bit" does not work. Also, I didn't like the term "sub-leaders." If you look at an actual wolf pack, there is only one Alpha male, and all those are subordinate to him. The next is his female, Beta? I think. You might want to explain how your pack system works, how being part human affected how they rule. And you have what I call "Laughing-gas-syndrome." I too am a chronic sufferer. The word "grin" is seductive, but must be used sparingly. They seem to do a lot of grinning in this chapter. ""Take this to your human dwelling, burn it in the sun, and bring me the bones the next full moon. Take a rib-bone for yourself, for each of the troop leaders shall have one to pierce the heart of each one of the dark, bloodsucking souls they find. I will find a use for he rest of the bones when it comes to me, if not, though, we shall just dispose of them in the darkness of the lake. The skull, on the other hand, shall rest on a pole before our territory. That should intimidate Vlad a bit, and put him in a dangerous situation." " First, that is wayyyy too long and chock full of information, and insights into how they run things. Chop it up, put some in internal dialog, or leave it out. What kind of werewolves are these? Weekened warriors, only fighting once a month? Again, I enjoyed reading it. I shall find out the rest like any other reader. |
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