Hello people im a 28 year old man whos just started taking an intrest in writing and would like a bit of feed back from you seasoned writers on my work. Please excuse any stupid punctuation errors as I've said im just starting out at this writing game. Thanks 
Theres too many people in the world today,
too many scumbags with something to say,
too many liers and too many cheats,
too many people living on our streets.
Theres too many homes and too many cars,
too many guns and too many wars.
Theres too many conflicting visions
and too many complacent politicians.
Theres too many bosses with too many bosses
and too many kids with too many kids.
Theres too many gimicks and too many products,
its time for a change but theres not enough of us
Theres not enough people who realize
there not really in control of there lives.
So easily the public surrenders
to faceless goons with hidden agendas.
We need someone to open our ears
and confront our fears,
God I wish Bill Hicks was still hear.
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Don't share your admiration
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 5th September 2007 |
Of a guy who actually stated "Hitler had the right idea, he was just an under-achiever"
To me Hicks was just a misanthropic asshole, who blew it all on drink and drugs, while trying to shock his way to the top by raving and ranting shit.
Only in the good old US of A would a guy like Hicks gain anti-establishment hero status.
On the grammar issue, I'm afraid I can't just ignore multiple spelling and punctuation errors. The first thing to learn about any form of writing, is to spell-check, edit and re-draft. That's where a beginner should start, being a beginner is no excuse for sloppiness.
Oli
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Written by goatboy (7 comments posted) 5th September 2007 |
Cheers fors the comments Oli it's funny how one mans hero can be anothers mans zero but thats cool it's a fucked up world but im glad to be part of it!
I do apologise for the bad grammer I aint learnt anything about writing since school (a long long time ago) and even then did'nt take much notice. I am planning on doing an english course soon so should get better....
steve |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3369 comments posted) 5th September 2007 |
OK you like Bill Hicks and want to write a poem round him, fair play; it's the poem I'll comment on.
I thought this had a lot to recommend it. For someone who has only just started it was a very sophisticated effort. It was well structured and rhymed and scanned. It was coherent, honest and heartfelt and wasn't self-consciously cryptic.
In fact you could almost have left out the last the last line and left it open but it's your poem and we all have our heroes.
On the subject of grammar , it's easy to learn just get a book and be an expert in a week. You can't get talent out of a book and I think you have the raw material.
Old saying "Don't get it right, get it written"
cheers
Jane |
Written by goatboy (7 comments posted) 5th September 2007 |
| Thanks for the nice words Jane I know what you mean about the last line but the poem would'nt exist if it were'nt for Bill as he was the inspiration behind it so thought it only fair to mention him... |
Only a suggestion
Written by Josie (2796 comments posted) 5th September 2007 |
| The difference between a good piece of writing and an excellent piece of writing is the presence of apostrophes and good spellings. Make yours excellent - it's well worth it. |
Hi Steve
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 5th September 2007 |
The eternal issue on this site - how to be honest and frank without being brutal.
You are right, Jane's words are nice - but for me they are dishonestly nice. You only need to hit the spellcheck button to catch many of your errors (liers, gimicks) - nothing to do with schooling.
I'm a lot older than you (and Josie is older still, sorry Josie) so it's even longer since we were at school. To attempt to write poetry without any care or respect for language and grammar (note the spelling) is folly. It's a bit like chosing a high wire as the location for your first session of unicycle practice.
Jane's adopted stance, and that of the other kindly but lily-livered reviewers, will eventually result in the further dumbing down of GW - inevitably. Plus ca change.
Like I say in my "Nowadays" rant - everyone gets a degree. Well done.
Oli
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3369 comments posted) 5th September 2007 |
One thing I am not is dishonest I might be wrong but I am not dishonest. You don't know me well enough to say that.
I honestly believe spelling and grammar take second place to content, always have always will.
Most of the poems here play fast and loose with grammar, with weird and idiosyncratic line breaks and punctuation in a attempt to give their angst ridden effort some intellectual gloss.
I enjoyed this poem, I thought it worth the reading and I refuse to be brow beaten by self appointed experts.
And everyone hasn't got a degree...I haven't got one for starters
Jane |
Written by goatboy (7 comments posted) 5th September 2007 |
I will not apologise again Oli, i've already covered why my grammer is so bad. I'd appreciate it if you could comment on the actual poem please because your obviously a very intelligent man and judging by your back catalogue quite experianced at this writing game.
Cheers Steve  |
Written by Phil (6738 comments posted) 5th September 2007 |
I know nothing of Bill Hicks. I don't know if that makes me unusual, lucky, or what?
Like another reviewer, I think this would work without a reference to him - and perhaps avoid muddying the waters. There were some effective lines here. While Jane is right - it's content that is most important - spelling and grammar etc play a pretty major role in being able to access and understand fully what is there. In such a short piece, the number of errors keeps jarring the reader and detracting from what is there. Sicking it through a spell checker would be a quick and easy way of getting rid of some errors.
Interesting piece.
Phil. |
Hi Steve,
Written by Faerieanna (25 comments posted) 6th September 2007 |
Just wanted to offer respect for this tribute to Bill Hicks! (and for your username, love it!).
I think your poem puts across well and concisely alot of what's wrong with the world and alot of the observations that Bill Hicks made.
I like the idea of his having been almost some kind of saviour or at least someone with the courage to say these things and make himself heard which is what I took from your closing line. Although I must say that as long as there are people like you who still have the courage to say these things then he is still here in a way.
However, I'm afraid I must agree with the previous comments that have been left concerning your spelling and grammar. I think this point has been laboured enough but do feel that it's a shame to let this keep you from getting your point across as well as you could.
I did like the poem in spite of this though, and think it's well structured once you get passed the errors. I especially like the lines:
"Theres too many bosses with too many bosses
and too many kids with too many kids." (although "There're" may be preferable? (several instances of this)).
To Oli, I hope you have not written Bill Hicks off completely on account of the rant from which you quoted... (A loss of temper with a rude audience to put it in context, not that that justifies it). Of course that statement is extremely offensive but I hope you can see from Steve's poem and from Hicks's other performances that he had a lot to say worth listening to. Ofcourse you are entitled to your opinion and I am merely offering mine.
To Phil, I hope that all of this has peaked your interest in Bill Hicks rather than put you off! Make up your own mind as to whether you have been lucky or unlucky not to have come across him so far... you may be pleasantly surprised?!
Apologies for the essay Steve, and welcome to GW by the way (I am quite new here myself).
Take care,
Anna
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