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By goatboy
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05 September 2007 |
Wrote this after a stupid argument with my girlfriend..
As the day slips away like a thief in the night
and you try to remember if you was wrong
and she was right and if there was any real need for a fight.
But try as you may your doomed to fail
your stuck in the ocean without a sail,
sitting on the back of a humpback whale.
Anyway you can't never repeat the day
or unsay what you say, what's gone is done,
what's been has passed so lets look to the future
and learn from the past. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3449 comments posted) 5th September 2007 | I'm not sure this sort of stuff is really for public consumption.
Jane |
Written by goatboy (7 comments posted) 5th September 2007 | Why'd you think that jane is it too cheesy or just not good enough  |
Written by michaelangelo (13 comments posted) 5th September 2007 | i think its great, i like the grammer and the rawness is appealing to me.
i especially like the line..
anyway you can't never repeat the day
or unsay what you say
mike |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3449 comments posted) 5th September 2007 | | It's too personal. It was meant for one person. I feel like I'm reading someone else's mail. |
Written by goatboy (7 comments posted) 5th September 2007 | It was only meant for one person, it was a text message to my girlfriend after a stupid row but Iliked the way it sounded. I did'nt realize you could be too personal in a poem
cheers Steve |
Written by goatboy (7 comments posted) 5th September 2007 | It was only meant for one person, it was a text message to my girlfriend after a stupid row but Iliked the way it sounded. I did'nt realize you could be too personal in a poem
cheers Steve | Learn from the Past
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 5th September 2007 | | Yes, I think you need to do some work on your English, but I feel at least here is one man who even bothers to think what causes rows. Most don't and most don't say sorry - - but I'm probably wrong because I've only been married to one. I think it's worth working on your English, and grammar has an "ar" at the end of it. Oh well! PS If you WERE wrong. Probably written in haste. |
Written by RegisteredGhost (9 comments posted) 5th September 2007 | I'm not sure if 'to personal' is a problem, as I don't think poetry can be to personal because different people take things from words different ways. I'm not the greatest with rhythm (far from it!) but the rhythm here is a bit to choppy (for my taste) and a reading aloud might give you ideas for word placement that could help it out. A few things jump out at me, the largest being this;
"and you try to remember if you was wrong
and she was right and if there was any real need for a fight."
Three things there, and only two have 'ifs', while the third 'if there was any real need for a fight' could be, to me, another line if an 'if' was added to make 'and if she was right'. Like, hrm,
"and you try to remember if you was wrong
or if she was right and
if there was any real need for a fight."
It's possible you could both be wrong and/or right, instead of considering it a black and white issue.
The other thing I'm partial to is a consistency in using a single theme in anthropomorphism and metaphor (again, the preference might just be me) you mention a thief and the sea, and while they can by a stretch be tied together, they don't seem to be here. The thief (day) isn't tied specifically into the more-used bit that describes whales and being stranded at sea.
I doubt most people would picture an errant dockhand sneaking away after dusk due to bad behavior in place of the thief (which was the only way I could conceive of to connect the thief and sea, after a few minutes of thinking) Your poem gave me a mental image for a painting, though, thank you for it, n' happy writing. |
Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 5th September 2007 | I think Jane hit the nail on the head with this one. I'm afraid the grammar really interfered with the reading. The rawness should be in the emotion, not the words. Sorry.
Phil |
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