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By RegisteredGhost
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05 September 2007 |
Oi, same as last time, constructive criticism and titles wanted! The first two lines came from the titles of separate books when I was over-tired and I wondered what could possibly wane with sunlight, and the only thing I could come up with was time.
As sunlight wanes
beyond the horizon
of Yesterday and Tomorrow
the pond water ripples
my reflections are laid low
you can't hold on to Forever.
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The first two lines
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 5th September 2007 | | What a nice combination your first two lines make. I think you need a full stop after ripples. I'm not actually sure that the last two lines go together very well. I'm not sure what "my reflections are laid low" mean. Please explain. I think the sunlight would fade between today and tomorrow. A good attempt. Keep going. |
Written by RegisteredGhost (9 comments posted) 5th September 2007 | | I think a full stop after ripples is inadvisable because that's how the reflections are laid low, from rippling. To me they connect. What I was thinking is reflections are made in pond water, and the reflections in the poem are the concept of personal eternity in an unchanging state and its conflict with time, while the last line "you can't hold on to forever" advises against such a venture as attempting to keep your reflection, at least unchanging and static due to the process of time and growth & also that death in its various forms is inevitable. A reflection will fade or become out of reach due to time and/or change, whichever comes first. That was what I was getting at. |
Written by TomOBrien (68 comments posted) 14th December 2007 | Pretty good I would say but I'm not much for poetry. It reminds me of that Pink Floyd song. Time.
"And then one day you find
Ten years has got behind you
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun"
tom |
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