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Poetry
Love's End
By tornlove09
07 September 2007

 

 

Her heart beats

Fast could this moment

Be her last

His eyes pierce

Through her making

Her crash

 

She leans into him

A gentle kiss on

The lips, he takes her

Hand stroking it

 

Her hair falls

Loosely, her breath

Becomes hot

He leaves sensation

On her bearing heart

 

Yet the time has come

He must leave

Her now, a young man

Drafted

That’s all he is now

 

He had dreams

He wished to start

A family with her

 

But those dreams

Are gone she tells him

To  stay strong

 

He says he loves her

And they will never

Be broken apart

 

The days past

And the months go on

She is all-alone

Her soldier is 

Gone.  

 

Reviews
love it
Written by onlyhattie (9 comments posted) 7th September 2007
I really like this. The fractured structure is very interesting to read and follow and the content is good.  
Couple of things: 
"The days past" - did u mean pass? or maybe passed?  
"Her bearing heart" - beating maybe? 
 
I'm sorry I'm very picky. Other than that, I liked it a lot. Good work! 
-hattie-

Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 7th September 2007
Opinions are a bugger. I have to confess, I found the way you structured this interupted the flow and understanding. Sometimes that can be effective, but in this case I don't think it added anything to the piece, just distracted. 
 
However, I did quite like this, especially towards the end. 
 
Phil

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