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China moves to lower lead content |
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By andybyers
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07 September 2007 |
I can't believe the stories coming out of China nowadays. It's getting such that there's almost no point in parodying the news items.
...Almost. :)
Stung by criticisms of the high lead content of many of its for-export products, China has announced a policy of lead reduction in selected export lines.
A spokesman for the Ministry of Production Lethality addressed the issue at a press conference in Beijing this morning. “Starting today, lead in Squeaky-Gleam Toothpaste will be reduced by 7%, lead in Jolly Good Tea Rusk will be reduced 4.9%, and lead in Bouncy Baby Banana Formulation will have its lead content reduced a full 12.2%. We are working on finding ways reducing the lead content of a number of other products... if that is what is truly important to our non-Chinese, bourgeois plutocratic customers.”
When asked how the lead was getting into these products in the first place, the spokesman replied, “We have hundreds of thousands of dedicated people working day and night to infuse many products with lead.” The spokesman, when challenged as to why this was the case, replied, “We have to something with all that lead and all those people. Would you have them drifting about, unemployed in this workers’ paradise? Well, that is the difference between China and the West. We care about people. We would not want to have to shoot these people for the political crime of unemployment, especially with the Olympics coming up.”
The spokesman brought the press conference to close with the announcement that the Ministry of Production Lethality is considering a press campaign this fall to urge China’s foreign customer base to “Eat Lead!” in an effort to assuage criticism of its high lead content products and head off demands that it change its policies. “After all, a change in policy means these people will be unemployed, so... One way or another, someone is going to eat lead, most assuredly.”
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Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 7th September 2007 | 'Enjoyed' the end. I have happy memories of playing with my grandfather's lead battleships as a child. I'm not dead yet - but then I've never been to China.
Phil. |
Written by jimbo (83 comments posted) 11th September 2007 | Again, I loved this. You SURE you don't write satire for a living?! I think you're having us on, Andy.
The punchline - the last paragraph - was genius. Great stuff, again.
Cheers.
Jim |
Written by andybyers (171 comments posted) 11th September 2007 | Thank, Jimbo.  I dunno; maybe I was Sir Humphrey Appleby in a past life. Seem to have come up more like Bernard Woolley this time. |
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