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Comedy
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| WISCONSIN! | |
| By andybyers | ||||
| 08 September 2007 | ||||
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I wrote this a lonnnnnnnnng time ago... 1989 or 1990, I think. But I dug it up and it made me smile so I thought I'd throw it out there. A couple of notes to those of you who won't catch the references... which is pretty much all of you, I think. Brian Mulroney was the (Tory) Prime Minister of Canada at the time; he was by then, and remains, thoroughly despised by the people of Canada. Mike Wilson was his finance minister. The Queen is a nice lady from England who is our head of state; she comes to visit once in awhile and puts up with a lot of boring tours... just like at home, only with different accents. Oh, and Impalas were (and are) a Chevy model that was extensively used by North American police forces in the 1980s... they could really shove off, according to Her Majesty. :) That morning, gunshots could be heard on Parliament Hill. The Queen stormed into the House of Commons. “Hey, you can’t come in here,” shouted a Member of Parliament. The Queen pulled out her Uzi and blew him away. “I really must protest,” the Speaker said, quivering but resolute. “This just hasn’t been done since the days of Oliver Cromwell.” “Stow it,” the Queen shot back. Then, just for good measure, she really did shoot. She shoved the body out of the Speaker’s Throne and plunked herself down in it. Mulroney had ducked under his desk. “Hey, Queeny,” Mike Wilson said, attempting to chuckle affably. “What’s the prob?” One of Wilson’s lenses frosted; a neat red hole appeared in the middle of his forehead. He collapsed onto the prostrate prime minister, who squealed with terror. Scowling narrowly at the MPs, the Queen set her Uzi in her lap and pulled out a long scroll of parchment. “Be it known,” she said, clearly reading from the document, “that as of eight a.m. this morning, we have concluded an accord with the U.S. state of Wisconsin, by which the Dominion of Canada in whole and in entirity, is ceded to the aforementioned state in consideration for fifty pounds of goat cheese. Signed, Elizabeth R., by the Grace of God Queen of the United Kingdom and, formerly, Canada.” Then she quickly scrolled the document back up. “Goat cheese,” she smiled. “Yum yum yum yum yum. “ Her face took on a genuinely pleasant aspect as she rubbed her stomach. MPs, peeking over their desks, looked at one another in disbelief. “So there!” the Queen laughed. “Your country belongs to the Americans now! How do you like those apples?” Her visage darkened again as someone protested, “Wisconsin?” and quickly vanished under his desk. “Couldn’t it at least have been New York?” someone else wailed. “All they offered me was a couple of horses. I’ve got too bloody many of those things as it is!” The Queen pouted for a moment. “Michigan offered me a used Impala. I thought about it. I understand those things can really shove off!!” she thrilled, hunching over an imaginary steering wheel. She settled back and said, “But in the end I went for the goat cheese. I like goat cheese.” “But why?” an MP wondered. “Oh, it’s lovely stuff. On crackers with tea, it’s just the thing— ” “No, I mean, why did you sell the country?” The Queen glared at the MP who had had the temerity to interrupt her; but as her clip was empty she let it pass. She reloaded so she wouldn’t be caught short again. “Ask the Prime Minister,” she said. All eyes turned on Mulroney’s desk. Whimpering noises wafted up into the still chamber. The Queen herself supplied the answer. “You’ll recall how last year he added a few extra members to your wheezebag retirement home of a ‘Senate’, in order to force through a law so he could milk the Canadian tax cow for a few billion more. He had constitutional grounds for doing so, but he still felt he needed some special seal of approval — meaning me. But does he come to London and tell me honestly? Oh, no. All I remember is being accosted by a west-end washerwoman with a huge chin, poking a pen and a piece of paper at me - ‘Excuse me, ma’am — may I have your autograph?’ And the next thing I know I find out I’m being blamed for the whole thing because I signed an order-in-council to stack the Canadian Senate!!” “Is that why?” someone asked. “Partly. Then there’s the insult of the new coins — you’ve made me look like an old bag!!” The Queen fired a couple of shots into the ceiling to express her displeasure. “What was wrong with the 1965 etching? I liked that one. Oh, and if you think I’ve forgotten the razzing I took in Quebec in 1964, you’re sadly mistaken! Anyway, you put it all together and it spells ‘fuck this crap’ — pardonnez mon français. The bottom line is, you’re part of Wisconsin now, so get used to it.” The Queen rose and strode resolutely for the door. Before she was gone the flesh had been flayed from Mulroney’s bones and devoured by enraged MPs.
NOTES
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“There are already problems,” Paul said. “Like what?” Fielder sighed and ran his hand over his scalp. “Claims on territory, for one thing. Mario Cuomo wants all of Niagara Falls. Washington state wants all the land in British Columbia up to 54°40’. Oregon has filed a counter-claim since the whole thing used to be called the Oregon Territory. Pennsylvania says that since it produced the machinery Wisconsin used to make the goat cheese, it’s entitled to something. Since Pennsylvania doesn’t border on any of the provinces, it says if Congress will just change the name of Lake Erie to Lake Pennsylvania, it’ll be satisfied. “Other things, too. Alaska wants to know if it’s constitutional for any state to be bigger than it is... ‘course, we had the same problem with Texas in ‘59... Mississippi’s worried about this ‘French thing’ — they say Lousiana’s bad enough. And Wisconsin itself is causing problems. They want the American flag changed — forty-nine regular-sized stars, one great big one,” Paul frowned, his hands framing the imaginary flag in the space before him. “Gee,” said Nelson. “To tell you the truth, I’m beginning to think the whole thing was a bad idea,” Paul admitted. “Mm,” said Nelson. “And it occurs to me,” Paul said, sitting forward and waving a pencil, “that most of the people in Wisconsin now are foreigners — no offence. I doubt they’ll vote Republican. Not without Medicare support. I just don’t see it.” “Probably not,” Nelson agreed.
*********
it turns out Wisconsin doesn’t really want Canada at all, but only wants to use it as a bargaining chip to lever Michigan out of that peninsula that’s attached to Wisconsin
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