Out of my comfort zone again. Many influences in this. Oli and Josie, Stephen King, The The, mythology. Does it work?
I know I've been free and easy witrh the hyphons.
Pandora in the city.
Amidst crumbling tower blocks
And decaying shopping centres;
In piss-stinking underpasses
And shattered bus shelters;
On slash-seated buses
And gouged park benches;
Among violence-threatening chavs
And piles of rotting trash;
Between run-down terraces
And concrete-covered countryside:
A single rose.|
Yes, it works
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 9th September 2007 |
| You have painted quite a picture with words here Phil. Well done. What you have said often happens. It seems that nature fights back. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 9th September 2007 |
This is a view and sentiment that I can whole heartedly understand and embrace. I have a blossoming rose at home (as well as a slightly withered honeysuckle and an overripe tomato).
Apart from ‘On slash-seated buses’ (which sounds like either a puddle of urine or the lead guitarist from Guns and Roses, enjoying a trip on a Routemaster) I felt this worked really well.
Perhaps “On the slashed seats of buses” would shit (sp) better.
All the best,
Steve.
|
Hi Phil
Written by jean.day (2257 comments posted) 10th September 2007 |
| Very powerful poem this. I don't know why you think you aren't a poet. You do wonders with words. |
I think this works 100%
Written by Talisker (1321 comments posted) 10th September 2007 |
Incongruity, survival against the odds great theme - one to be visited and revisited.
Jean says it all - a powerful poem of nowadays.
Love it Phil.
Oli  |
Evening Phil
Written by Sinnerman_Pfank (17 comments posted) 10th September 2007 |
Interesting poem. Harder-edged than most I read here and I liked the optimism at the end.
(I guess it also depends on how you interpret Hesiod!)
Best wishes
Sinnerman |
Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 10th September 2007 |
| Thanks for reading and reviewing. Glad it had some merit. |
Great poem
Written by Aurora (50 comments posted) 11th September 2007 |
| Hi, just wanted to say i love the way you separate the last line as if the rose is so beautiful in contrast that it doesn't even belong with the rest of the text. i really like this poem and it is very true to life. i like to think that it shows that even in the worst of places there is hope. |
Curious
Written by Faerieanna (25 comments posted) 13th September 2007 |
Why Pandora? I take it her box has been unleashed on the city but what does she herself represent in your poem? The rose? But she is supposed to represent "beautiful evil" and temptation...
Maybe I am reading too much into this??
Also, all though you haven't gone for a strict rhyme scheme you have developed a patturn in the first few alternate lines, ending with: "centres", "shelters", "benches" but this seems to break with the last two: "trash" and "countryside", seems like a shame but this may have been intentional...
I enjoyed this, very vivid to all the senses and very effective, the rose blooming inspite of all this.
Hope my comments are helpful, yours have been helpful to me.
Take care,
Anna x |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 14th September 2007 |
Liked this a lot Phil. One minor thing - I would have chosen to use either amid and among or amidst and amongst - probably the former for the modern feeling. Just a personal thought really - it affects the tone a bit for me as a reader. There are some really nice images in this - slightly unusual word combos as well which I always like.
Run-down terrace - I thought maybe 'run-down' was too obvious a choice. And it might have been nice to use an image that complemented the concrete covered countryside. i kind of had in my mind the image of run down city areas where you see trees growing out of chimney stcks etc. Almost a Chernobyl esqye reclamation of the urban environment by nature.
And try as I might I just don;t like the last line - something too lcihe about the rose although I see exactly why you've used it and I don;t have any better suggestions!
rereading this it sounds negative! It wasn;t supposed ot be - I liked the piece a lot, just some initial reactions I suppose
Elli |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 21st September 2007 |
| Good poem, and good use of the mythology... I supose Aurora already answered Faerieanna's question. Very nice metaphor. |
Written by ErikaRain (7 comments posted) 4th January 2008 |
| Wow. I know not what to say about this. It was simply wonderful. You painted such a vivid picture with your words. |
Written by ErikaRain (7 comments posted) 4th January 2008 |
| Wow. I know not what to say about this. It was simply wonderful. You painted such a vivid picture with your words. |
Written by Merioneth (79 comments posted) 21st April 2008 |
I liked this piece. The only thing that stuck out to me that didn't sit right was the flow of "And gouged park benches". It feels like it needs an extra syllable in there somewhere. My initial though was "gouged-out" but I'm not sure that really fits, and also there's a hyphen between "slash-seated" so it might seem a bit repetitive.
All in all I liked this piece a lot. As usual I love your gritty way of describing things, and you've weaved in some very ugly images that contribute to the overall impact and beauty of the poem. |
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