A bird in the hand is worth

whatever the barcode says.

Unless it’s a buy-one-get-one-free.

A fool and his money are soon parted.

Court jesters are even more profligate,

great guys to drink with though.

If you do win them all,

you’re soon unpopular.

Learn to walk before you run,

but learn to swim first of all.

This is particularly good advice

for under-fives in the Lake District.

Fear of life is worse than fear of death.

Actual death is far worse than both.

Believe me. Boo!  Clink. Clink.

Devils generally make bad friends.

Not knowing a lot of devils is good.

Not knowing any devils at all is best.

Don’t cut off your nose.

Self mutilation is rather sad.

If you must do, missing ears

are easier to conceal beneath hair.

Apples are no deterrent to doctors.

Garlic works up to a point, but smells.

New GP contracts are infallible.

Do as I say, not as I do.

Even though it’s me

doing the saying.

Hedges are a good alternative to fences.

In my horticultural experience,

grass grows the same colour either side.

Opportunity seldom knocks twice.

Train your dog to bark at opportunities.

Never speak dead of the ill.

It’s just nasty.

Don’t put all your eggs

into cryostorage.

Keep your mouth shut

and your eyes open,

unless asleep.

God helps them who help themselves.

To hell with the helpless.

Nothing is certain but death and taxes

Death taxes? Very certain.