This is one of my latest poems and it has been published in a book by united press called "Dreams of the night"
I have tried to portray how cruel and pointless war is and how it is the poor army men and women and innocent people who get caught up in the battle and suffer for the disagreements of a few.
I have revised this poem since recieving some very useful comments and would be grateful for any views thanks!
State of Insanity
Bombs blast thunder,
Devastation’s shockwave,
Lives lost and torn.
Innocent children suffer,
In close and distant lands,
Heroic sons lost.
War is hate,
Prejudice given flight,
A gun alone mere metal.
Battles should be fought by
Those who make the choice.
Ultimate victory.
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War
Written by Chimera_Crystal (12 comments posted) 11th September 2007 |
You do describe, I believe what most people think about war.
People don't cause war, governments do. It's disgusting that good people die for these pen-pushers.
A Moving piece, some very well described images.
Although, might I suggest splitting it up a bit?
it seems to be a bit crushed. |
Noble thoughts
Written by Talisker (1317 comments posted) 11th September 2007 |
But too trite and banal to be a great poem for me.
Several lines make little sense e.g.
"No crying child is without attacker" ? As we all know children cry anyway.
"No heroic son is lost to his mother..." I'm afraid sons, even heroic ones are killed in lots of ways other than war.
Even the title "...Armoured Fools" suggests that it is the soldier to blame - what about politicians, warmongers, terrorists?
For a poem to be credible for me, it needs to be better thought out and expressed. |
Thanks Chemere_Crystal!
Written by Aurora (50 comments posted) 11th September 2007 |
| Hey thanks for your review, I guess this is an issue that a lot of people feel strongly about. I will definately take what you said about the layout and will try laying it out with some different stanza variations on my WP. Thanks again! |
Respects Talisker
Written by Aurora (50 comments posted) 11th September 2007 |
Thanks for your review, it hard to tell people when you don't like their work but I welcome critisism and thank you for offering your opinion. In my eyes the line 'No crying child is without attacker' had the idea that the attacker could be many things, hunger, illness, not understanding the world or why you can't have somethings, in my opinion children usually have some reason for being upset.
You are right that many brave sons die in other ways, i was hoping that it would come across within the theme of the poem what I meant.
As for the title Armoured fools I was refering to the government of countries who have Armys, Navys ect. they were the armour I was trying to convey.
Your right that other groups, terrorists ect play their part to but they were not my focus.
It's a shame you didn't feel my poem was well expressed but I am a relative beginner so there is of course room for improvement.
I will keep trying!
Aurora
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Last word
Written by Josie (2721 comments posted) 11th September 2007 |
| Just read your poem Aurora. Firstly I would like to see it put into verses, with lines not so varying. The line "no crying child is without attacker@ isn't right. I've been with one today. You need full stops to show the end of sentences because I couldn't tell sometiems which were new sentences or a continuation. Don't forget your apostrophes. (fool's battle etc). I agree that war is usually about fighting for territory. Could you explain "black light" as it seems a contridiction. Sorry to be picky, but I think you could turn this into a really good poem if you go over it again. A very good start. |
Great advice!
Written by Aurora (50 comments posted) 11th September 2007 |
| Thanks Josie, will definately take your helpful advice on board. The meaning of "black light" for me was the light or glint of light from a dagger or wepon, black for the dark purpose involved. Guess i'm going a bit too cryptic! I fully intend to revise this poem in the near future, a futher review from you would be very welcome. |
Written by Phil (6629 comments posted) 11th September 2007 |
Firstly, congratulations on publication.
It's a subject, that in its essence, I guess no-one could disagree with. However, as Oli points out, it perhaps needs a little more accurate expression to really hit home. Loose lines lead to understandable questions. Within context, I know exactly what you mean, but in the poetic form, where big ideas are distilled to single lines - or even phrase - it's important to be exact. (I think)
Josie's point about punctuation is a good one. Ther appear to be a few fragments here.
Phil. |
Written by Phil (6629 comments posted) 11th September 2007 |
| Sorry, meant to say - still worth the read. |
Much better
Written by Josie (2721 comments posted) 12th September 2007 |
| Yes, much better this time. |
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