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By Belladonna
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11 September 2007 |
Hell has no fury like a woman scorned.
I scrutinize his every move. Every day he comes and plays that old worn guitar for money. I know the tune so well that if he makes a mistake I feel his pain. I picture him every night as I close my eyes. His black hair, curling slightly as it cascades gently over his delicate shoulders, or blows playfully onto his pallid face in the wind. I can almost feel the warmth from his gently curving lips, so seductive yet at the same time so unobtainable. I picture his eyes in my head, imagine the brightness of their vivid blue, just as I remember them being.
He is so helpless out there all alone. Nobody beside him while he plays; nobody to comfort him at night. I doubt anyone knows of his existence but me. It seems like such a waste of a good life. He deserves to be looked after.
I role play how I would do it in my head. I would dress in my finest attire then go to him with money and put it in his guitar case at the end of the day when he is getting tired and downhearted. Once he had thanked me I would offer to buy him a drink and some food. Of course he would accept, he’d have no choice due to the insatiable hunger that tends to take control of the poor. I would take him to my local pub; the sort of place where people don’t ask questions anymore, and buy him a highly alcoholic drink. After he’d taken a few sips I’d slip my precious pills, freshly ground of course into his drink, let him finish his food then quickly hurry him outside. We’d go for a stroll until the pills kicked in and he fell into a deep unconsciousness. Finally when I had him completely at my mercy I would take him home, clean him up a bit while he was still ‘medicated’ and chain him to the bed in my room with a gag placed safely in his mouth in case he woke and started screaming. I don’t mind the screaming but the neighbours do.
Finally, and this is the best part of my plan, I would brick up the front and back doors, making sure there was no exit. The windows haven’t opened since the first time I saw him.
Trapped, he would be mine, as he was always meant to be. It seems like only yesterday that we were at the orphanage, him, a popular kid who played the guitar, me, an outcast. He kissed me cheekily once during a game of kiss chase and it was then that I knew he would be mine. He rejected my advances but I knew that was only for the crowd, his blue eyes said otherwise. Then he got that girlfriend, the blonde with a Marilyn Monroe figure and a sultry voice. She had to go. She just couldn’t take her arsenic and gin! She was gone merely seconds after it touched her lips. I wasted so much good arsenic on her.
Of course he suspected me then. He had no evidence though but he swore he knew it was me. He would scream at me down the halls. I know the fire was meant to kill me. He thought he’d succeeded when I wasn’t found.
Alas, I was much smarter than he was. I decided to let him have his little mood swings, what good girlfriend wouldn’t! I disappeared and made him think he’d gotten away with it, spending the last 9 years re-inventing myself through surgery and wigs; but tonight we shall be reunited and finally, live out the life of love we were destined for.|
Written by Asferthecat (834 comments posted) 11th September 2007 | Spooky. I would have liked it to be a bit longer - the murder of the girlfriend, the fire, the surgery, was all gone in a flash.
One spag rather threw me (then that he knew he would be mine)
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Written by Belladonna (7 comments posted) 12th September 2007 | oops my mistake...sorry am correcting 'then that he knew he would be mine' now. Ta for telling me 
Do you reckon the past events such as the fire etc would be better if expanded then?
Bella |
Written by Phil (6681 comments posted) 16th September 2007 | I liked this as it was. There was enough information to carry the story through and create the tension and repulsion.
If you were to add more detail, I think you'd have to do it with everything. The backstory would be pretty lengthy. It could work very well, but it would be a very different piece. Interesting if you tried.
Phil. |
Written by AnnieSeed (128 comments posted) 16th September 2007 | | I liked this. Shiver at the end! |
Written by gwyddyn (28 comments posted) 14th October 2007 | Really enjoyed this. You're a scary girl Bella. Agree with Phil about expanding this although maybe you could dwell on the girlfriend's murder a little - enjoy it some more  I feel that 'she' would.
Para 4 is possibly a bit wordy. Strip it down - show, don't tell. Hint at the possibilities, let the reader fill in the detail.
Good work. |
Written by Fledermaus (3246 comments posted) 14th October 2007 | Interesting piece. I think your psychopathic main character could be even more evil, if she wouldn't just violently capture him, but instead seduce him and make him voluntarily do what she wanted.
The fire was too much rushed indeed. Are we dealing with two psychopaths or just one?
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