The idea for this one came from some of the multiple religious views of the people around me, my upbringing and also from close acquaintance with my mother's fanatical re-dive back into the Christian faith. This should be read with a heavy dose of sarcasm that I hope comes across, but really, I'm a bit doubtful that it does. Again, constructive criticism is appreciated.
Looking through a glass darkly
peering through the veil sharply
resplendent in my rags, gladly
wishing I was gone from here
How was I to know that demons
searching through the darkness came
bloody flesh and bones are creeping
'round the valleys and the thane.
Children bolting from their hovels
running screaming down the hills
monsters from the deeps of dreaming
feeding on the cries and pain
And so I pray that we die quickly
to feel the freedom of the soul
waiting for that day of judgment
that Fortuna has foretold.
|
Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 11th September 2007 |
The sarcasm is there, but perhaps not articulated strongly enough. The rhythm of this flowed really well (on the whole) and carried me through to the end strongly. I reckon there are bits missing from this. It seems to jump a little. The beginnings of a really good one?
Phil. |
Written by Keller (19 comments posted) 11th September 2007 |
I love the imagery in this one and the overall feel of panic rising is really emphasised and complimented by the fairy-tale like language:
'How was I to know that demons
searching through the darkness came'
However, I think the changing rhyme-scheme of each stanza only acts to slow the piece down. The first stanza reads wonderfully, the second has a different rhyme scheme, but the third doesn't rhyme at all and it takes away all the momentum and pace. Try giving it the same rhyme scheme as the first (although I know how easy it is to fall into the 'using any old word for rhyme's sake' trap).
Do you have a rhyming dictionary? I have found mine quite invaluable, and I think you can find online versions to use too?
But it's great, the atmosphere is fantastic. |
Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 11th September 2007 |
| Loved the title BTW. |
Written by RegisteredGhost (9 comments posted) 11th September 2007 |
| Thank you both for the reviews. I'd like a rhyming dictionary, but the online site I found that helped with rhyme I managed to lose a long time ago and I've yet to find another. Been fighting with the rhyme scheme on this one for a few years now, and it was originally several verses longer. I've been trying to compensate by reading a regular dictionary and checking out prefixes and suffixes. Oddly enough there're two halves of two extra verses missing from this, (the rest are bits and pieces of possibility) & while they were wonderful imagery, I couldn't for the life of me finish either of them and so far nothing word-wise has popped out at me so I could include them. |
Rhyming dictionary
Written by Talisker (1321 comments posted) 12th September 2007 |
try www.rhymezone.com
I've used it a few times - rather good actually.
I also have the paperback version of the Chambers Rhyming Dictionary (£7.99) - along with Roget's, one of the most useful reference books for the poet.
Oli |
Evening RG
Written by Sinnerman_Pfank (17 comments posted) 15th September 2007 |
Agrree with the comments above. Think you've got something here, though. Maybe try without forcing it to rhyme, may free it up?
As someone who writes in rhyme, if you really want to use this structure, my opinion is that a lot of it just comes down to practice and trying different lines out. Personally, I don't have a dictionary. I just go for what feels natural and then doodle to make things fit togtrher the way I like.
Over time, it just sort of emerges.
Anyway, best wishes
Sinnerman |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.
Previous item
