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Poetry


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delays

By no1butClo

13 September 2007

erm... help?

A moth's wings catch
the streetlight,
and resemble ambers
falling from the lamps
above our heads.

We sulk on the platform,
not talking or touching,
watching the displays change
and ignoring the inertia,
growing from the corners
of this single station bench.

Reviews

Delays
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 13th September 2007

Good imagery here Clo, but I think you need something which leads into verse 2 to give us an idea why "we sulk on the platform". There seems to be a gap in your poem. Perhaps an introduction might help too. Well written.

I like it clo ...
Written by patterjack (1328 comments posted) 13th September 2007

But i think if a poem needs an explanatory introduction it is lacking within itself.

I think I read a different meaning into sulk from the one Josie is contemplating

patterjack

Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 13th September 2007

I like it too, but I'm not sure you're getting across exactly what you want. My initial reaction (first read) was: perhaps you had to be there.

I think Josie has a point. There's a certain disjointedness between first and second. Descritive to part narative with no obvious connection.

For me, this seemed to start with the second verse.

Don't know about 'help', just a reaction.

Phil.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 14th September 2007

I liked this too clo. Not sure you needed 'and resemble' in the first stanza - maybe flagging the image up more than is needed (and I do love the image). I think the others are right -you maybe need someting inbetween the stanzas or maybe even just introduce something reminiscent of the image in the firsts stanza into the second.

Elli

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