The local high street wouldn’t have been Claire’s venue of choice if she’d had any say in where she would bump into him when they were both alone. It had been a year since she’d last been alone with him, for the whole ten minutes it had taken him to give her a lift home during which, for their own separate reasons, they’d both been silent but, as had always been the case between them, it was without awkwardness. He’d teased her as she was getting out of the car, which had pleased her. She’d never minded his occasional teases, always gentle and never belittling or malicious, and right then it had felt like he was reassuring her in his own way that she had done nothing to cause his silence. Now though, because of the way he had been behaving towards her since last New Year’s Eve, she wanted to be alone with him, away from their friends, to see what would happen, how he would treat her. To tell him about the decision she had made.

The prospect of being alone with Rob, even in a public place, confused her. She wanted it to happen and yet she was apprehensive. She wasn’t sure how she would feel, react if she had the opportunity to be with him away from everyone else. It was hard enough when she saw him with their friends to hide, from them at least, how she still felt about him. She suspected he knew, he was perceptive in that way, knew her well enough to be able to tell from 50 feet how she was feeling. As for him, he had never stopped treating her as a special friend, and since the New Year had given her looks, eye contact, shown concern when she had problems, glanced her way when he thought she wasn’t looking, created situations for accidental brushes of fingers when showing off a new phone or even, on one occasion, making deliberate contact and extending it, so subtle that no-one else had noticed but long enough for her to know it wasn‘t accidental. His touch still set her heart racing. Claire knew from his behaviour, subtle though it was, that there was still a strong bond between them. Even now. His actions had always spoken louder and more honestly about his true feelings than his words. His “strong and silent” air wasn’t something she ever wanted to change about him, but it could be frustrating when she knew it was pointless to ask him to explain what was going on, why he still obviously cared so much for her. What was wrong with the other woman that she hadn’t pushed Claire out of his mind and heart by now? Now Claire had something she needed to tell him, privately.

It was the following week while browsing round town when Claire suddenly saw Rob standing in front of a rack of newspapers in a shop she was passing. She kept going until she reached the window of the shop next door where she stopped, her back to the window, trying not to show the nervousness she felt to the world passing by her. Her first thought was whether or not he was alone. She looked up as she felt rain starting to fall. “Just my luck” Claire thought, with a wry smile to herself. “A chance of seeing him alone and I’ll look like a drowned rat!”. She wasn’t too worried about it though. He’d seen her looking rough plenty of times before and it hadn’t changed anything, hadn’t stopped him being interested in her, even when she hadn‘t even known he‘d been looking. He was mature enough to know that what was inside was more important - and he knew how good she could look when she tried!

Claire turned to look in the window behind her, while keeping an eye open to see if he came out of the shop alone or accompanied. She tried to calm her heart rate down, breathing slowly, glad she hadn’t put mascara on today - it always ran when it rained or if she cried, even when it’s hype claimed it wouldn’t. She already had the rain, and just hoped the tears wouldn’t follow. Then she saw him come out of the shop door, and turn to walk in her direction. She waited, but no-one she knew followed him, not the woman nor any of his kids. He was alone. Claire took a deep breath then turned in time to “bump” into him.

“I’m sorry - oh, hi there” said Claire.

“Hi” said Rob, looking down at her, with a big smile on his face. “When did this start?” he said, rolling his eyes heavenward.

“Just now, not long ago”. Claire was struck dumb. She had him there, in front of her, alone, and she had no idea what to say. They stood there in the rain, just looking into the other’s eyes.

“We’d better get out of this rain” said Rob gently, “before we both drown. Fancy a cuppa?” Claire just nodded, and gave him a small smile.

Five minutes later they were sitting in the nearest café with coffees on the table between them. Rob had some fruit cake but Claire had resisted, too nervous to eat. They rarely sat side by side, an unspoken preference between them to be able to make eye contact while they talked. Something Claire had always treasured, an aspect of their relationship she’d never encountered so intensely in previous relationships. They sat in silence, occasionally drinking, but most of the time spent gazing at each other, again not feeling the need to speak just to break the silence.

Without Claire realising it she found Rob’s larger, warm, protective hand over hers. She wondered how he did that? There were occasions in the past when she’d suddenly found herself in his arms or being kissed without knowing how it had happened! It was always seamless, no difficult fumbling or awkward moments. It was times like these when she found his difficulty in discussing emotional matters most frustrating. She loved the closeness of him, his physical presence was awesome to her, and the electricity between them had never subsided. She could feel it now. She could also feel tears threatening to ruin her carefully contrived nonchalance. Now he had both her hands in his powerful, yet gentle, workman’s hands.

“I need to ..” said Rob.

“I’m glad we …” started Claire.

They smiled as they both started then stopped speaking at once, eye contact still strong, her hands still in his. Claire knew she had to be strong, for both of them.

“Rob, I’ve put my place on the market, I’m going away. I’m sorry. Damn it”, she’d started crying. The one thing she’d once sworn she would never do in front of him, not when he’d know it was because of him. She’d managed to keep her dignity and self-respect, left him alone, she didn’t want to wreck that strong image now. Maybe it was too late for pride though.

“Why?”

Claire took a deep breath. “Because I have to Rob. I can’t deal with this any more.” She looked down at the table, not knowing what to say, sniffing as a tear slowly rolled down her cheek, soon joined by many more. She looked up to see his grey eyes focussed on her, looking sad. “I love you, that’s … that’s why I have to go. I want you, more than I’ve ever wanted anyone before. I want all of you, inside and out but I can’t have you. You chose her, but you still treat me, the way you do. I love it, but I don’t understand it. I think I need a fresh start, and to give you a chance to … “. She couldn’t finish, the tears were running too fast and once again he’d managed to kiss her without her realising it was happening.

“I’m sorry Claire, I can’t help it. I need you too, but it wouldn’t work, there’s too much in the way, we‘re too different.” His eyes bore into hers, desperately wanting her to understand.

“No, you’re wrong, if you really, really needed me, loved me, then you’d find a way, we’d make it work, together. Until then, until you realise that, I’m going. I can’t keep on seeing you, wanting to be around you, loving you more each time, knowing I can’t be there with you, for you. I just can’t. I’m sorry.” Claire stood up. Her tears still running, Rob still holding her hands as he stood too, towering over her. She looked up, drinking in the look on his face, in his eyes which held hers, seeing the love in them. But she had to be strong, for herself. For him. “If you really want me, and you’re ever free again, you know my number. Just call me.” Claire stretched up to kiss him, lingered over it. Felt his arms round her as they just stood there. Oblivious to the others sat nearby. “I’m sorry. I have to go. I love you.”

She walked out of the café. The thought of maybe never seeing him again was almost killing her, she tried to hide her tears from the people on the street - fairly easy with the rain still hurling down - but she knew she had to do this. She didn’t dare look back at him as she knew she‘d give in if she did, go back to be with him, in any way she could.  Would he come after her?  She didn't know, she hoped so, but she knew she couldn't live her life waiting for him.  She also knew she'd never loved anyone as much and would rather be alone now than settle for second best just for the company.