UK scientists have been hard at work over the past few years, hoping to create something that shall improve our lives forever. Unfortunately, they have failed completely.

What has been developed is a non-stick chewing gum that can easily be removed from clothes, pavements, shoes, lab-coats etc, and despite all evidence to the contrary scientists promise that this new invention of wonder is the best thing since sliced bread.

When questioned why the scientific community weren’t doing something useful with their time like curing cancer, a chemical expert who wished to remain anonymous named Bob Hardbridge said, “Because the scientific community doesn’t bloody well feel like it, Mr reporter. Why don’t you go and do something useful like choke to death on your notebook.”

In a completely unrelated incident, Mr Hardbridge died recently after tragically choking to death on a crucible.

When Phillip Jameson, a spokesman for the Scientist’s Union was asked the same question as the late Mr Hardbride, he replied smoothly with a well thought out lie. “Well, you see, erm, we realised that people often chew gum as a substitute for smoking, right? But, of course, not all smokers do. So, you see, what we thought was that maybe people don’t chew as much because they are afraid of it sticking to their clothes and furniture and things, okay? Erm, thus, vis-à-vis, we decided to make this new amazing gum so that wont happen, ergo, people won’t smoke as much. So, in a roundabout way, we did this in the hope of preventing cancer.”

After we explained slowly to Mr Jameson that his explanation had been a load of inane bollocks, he began to wail in pity for the progress of civilisation and ran from the room in well deserved shame. He can now be seen crying on the roof of the University of Bristol and is refusing to come down.