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By andybyers
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18 September 2007 |
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She nominated me:
be my anchor
keep me from drifting
or cresting the falls
Night and day, point of reference
she might circle and list
but never founder
Came the day of a new wind
bright and sunny
compass clouds pointing
to the future
She filled her sails with him
broke the chain
I watched her wake spread
foam and lace
from below
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Written by no1butClo (339 comments posted) 18th September 2007 | There's a gorgeous whistfulness about this piece, wihtout being too heavy - I think you've got the atmosphere just right. Not sure why your structure is so particular, but it doesn't do much to distract from the fact that this is a good poem.
I don't quite understand -
"but never founder/ Came the day..."
- how these lines fit together. I used to hate puntuating my poems but I've got used to it and it's useful, I think you could benefit from breaking teh second verse up a bit with commas, semicolons etc as you need to.
well written, keep working on it
clo | OH, PLEASE CHLOE!!!
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 18th September 2007 | DO NOT ASK FOR CLARIFICATION! YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOU DO! 
I liked this a lot Andy. I feel no need to conjoin the last line of the first stanza with the first of the last. I just works as a lovely piece of airy, descriptive, artistic poetry.
Lovely!
Oli  |
Written by andybyers (176 comments posted) 18th September 2007 | | Hi, Clo. Well, those two lines don't go together... so much so that I inserted the extra space just prior to publishing! The capital letter at the start of the new line is also a shorthand for suggesting a new idea. Ambiguous, I know, but I actually aim for a certain degree of ambiguity in a lot of my free form verse. It opens up a lot of possibilities for synthesis that prosaic punctuation shuts down. When I was younger, I was a stickler for precise punctuation, even in poems, and I still am, very much so, in prose... but in free form verse, it strikes me a lot like nailing orchids to the wall. I tend to frame the changes more subtly through line breaks, indentation, and the occasional capital letter... punctuation wherever I feel it's unavoidable. Didn't feel that much in this one; that's probably why it seems wistful to you. That's how it felt to me, too, and that's why I didn't tie it down with a lot of punctuation. |
Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 18th September 2007 | Liked this very much Andy - especially the last line. Leaves me with a strong mental image - not a pleasant one, but peaceful in its own resigned way.
Phil.
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Written by Faerieanna (25 comments posted) 19th September 2007 | This is just beautiful, a very clear and poignant image that just works perfectly. Will enjoy this again and again, thank you.
Anna x |
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