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Poetry
driving
By no1butClo
18 September 2007
ATTENTION: REALLY WEAK ENDING

help?

This angle,
the one at which I see the stars,
denies my eyes a swathe of sky
and forces me to focus on the best bits.

Sweeping telegraph wires
undulate across my eyeline,
the stars keep pace with us
and short white lines flash by
beneath the window pane.

Head inclined I listen to the force
with which the other cars pass,
and imagine the stories their tyres might tell,
to the silenced road beneath. 

Above, an owl flashes luminous
just for a second, then fades,
it's shadow space turned to ruddy smog.
We have left the dark behind.











turns
to ruddy smog as we leave
the haunted country roads behind.

Reviews

Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 18th September 2007
Not bad Chloe.  
 
You are right - the ending is a bit weak for me. I wouldn't dare to suggest anything though - your baby, not mine. 
 
I like the flow of it and the scene you set. 
 
Oli

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 18th September 2007
I wonder if moving the end to the beginning and rephrasing it would work? (I dare make the suggestion, but admit it may be stupid!) 
 
Oli mentions 'flow.' And this does have it. Apt for a piece on the move. 
 
Phil.

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