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By Faerieanna
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19 September 2007 |
Hi guys, thanks for all of your comments. I have reworked this a little thanks to Keller's advice... Constructive criticism still welcome although any and all comments are appreciated.
Thanks,
Anna x No cracks in my path,
No bumps in my road,
Instead there are valleys
And mountains.
Formidable drops
Unthinkable odds
Surround me in every
Direction.
I daren't look ahead,
Just stare at my feet,
Each step a reluctant
Achievement.
No choice but to walk,
The key in my back
Compelling me ever
To motion.
My world becomes small,
Shrinks in on itself,
Until I walk in
Isolation.
I walk in the dark,
In silence but for
The sound of my key
Unwinding.
Copyright Anna Alexander 2007.|
A little presumptuous...
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 19th September 2007 | to define the type of review which might be welcome, Anna.
It is not always appropriate, nor even possible to be constructive about every work.
Fortunately, this little poem is not "a dog" - it is ok if a bit one dimensional for me. One is left with a feeling of self-obsession and self pity. A knowledge of the plodding, hopeless, clockwork nature of your life does not enrich mine at all. No emotion is elicited.
The words are the final part of a poem. The emotional frame this one is built on is too frail. I think it is misconceived. The words are fine though.
Oli
| Unthinkable obstacles
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 19th September 2007 | | Anna - I think you are not alone by a long way. It would be a very unusual person, even animal, who could say that they got through life without what seems like unsurmountable obstacles coming along life's way. But look at the News tonight. I bet you will be able to count a list of people who are suffering more than you are. I know this doesn't help when you feel really low, but at least you know you are not alone. I think your poem spotlights it exactly. The only thing I can add is that Jane Tomlinson, who has just recently died, overcame the obstacles and lived to raise millions of pounds for cancer charities. We should all perhaps think of the brave people in this world. |
Written by Keller (19 comments posted) 19th September 2007 | Had to read it twice to get the key reference, but it's clever. I think everyone feels a bit like that sometimes.
You've created an interesting rhythm with this one, but I feel a few places break it:
'Daunting pitfalls' doesn't fit quite right or 'Ever to move' and a couple more. Reading it aloud a few times will help loads with this I feel.
Also, as poetry is often read from the page, I would give the third stanza these line breaks:
'I daren't look ahead,
Just stare at my feet,
Each step a reluctant
achievement.'
Which fits the pattern of your other verses.
Good luck! |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 20th September 2007 | I don't remember your first attempt, but this had worth. I quite liked the rhythm, but as mentioned, it does break down a time or two.
It does describe a pretty universal feeling - if only temporary for most. In that it should appeal to many. Perhaps the ideas needed a little more depth to hit harder.
Phil. | Much better rhythm
Written by Keller (19 comments posted) 23rd September 2007 | The changes you've made have made the rhythm much more steady which is very important to keep up the momentum of a poem (unless it is intended to break it, but this often leads to difficult readings).
Just one more suggested change. Try:
My world becomes small,
Shrinks in on itself,
I find myself in
Isolation.
As it is now, it's a little clumsy, but I think the above change would smooth that out? Hope it helps! Don't mean to keep re-writing your lines for you - tee hee! Best of luck!
PS - Thanks for your comments about my work, I do write a little prose, but playwriting is really my thing! |
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