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Comedy
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| A Few Lines from the Warren Commission | |
| By andybyers | ||||
| 20 September 2007 | ||||
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No disrespect to President Kennedy intended per se (though you'd be forgiven for thinking so, I guess)... I wrote this a few years ago more out of frustration with the findings of the Warren Commission... I think my scenario is about as likely as theirs. The following statements were recently accidentally released along with many other declassified documents pertaining to the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. This fragment is believed to be from an unreleased interview undertaken by Warren Commissioner Congressman Gerald Ford with one A.J. Smith, apparently a ‘personal friend” of President Kennedy, sometime in 1964. Jerry Ford: [Fragment begins here] ...”three eggplants and Richard Nixon’s microphone tie-clip. But please go on, Mr. Smith.” A.J. Smith: “And a lot of people have made a big deal about Governor Connally supposedly hanging onto his Stetson hat after he’s supposed to have been shot in the wrist. But of course, at the time, Governor Connally was wearing a pink bunny suit, handing out Easter eggs.” Jerry Ford: “But in the Zapruder film, he’s not wearing a bunny suit.” A.J. Smith: “...Well, then, obviously the film is in error. I mean, after all, Congressman, it was shot by an amateur!!” Jerry Ford: “Of course! A telling point.” A.J. Smith: “Well, I think so, anyway.” Jerry Ford: “Now let’s move on, Mr. Smith, to your assertion that President Kennedy had some sort of prescience of the actual assassination itself...” A.J. Smith: “He knew it was going to happen. There’s no doubt about it. When the shooting started in Dealy Plaza, I heard him shout, ‘Hurray, here come the bullets!’ He gave me the thumbs-up sign just before he was hit.” Jerry Ford: “And did President Kennedy, at any time, indicate to you that he might welcome being shot?” A.J. Smith: “Why, yes, on several occasions the President turned to me and said, ‘Y’know, Smitty, a bullet in the melon would sure go down good about now.’ As we left for Texas, he said to me, ‘Thank goodness we’re going to NRA country. Now maybe I’ll get that gaping head wound I’ve been aching for.”’ Jerry Ford: “So it’s your opinion, Mr. Smith, if I understand you correctly, that the President selected and hired his own assassins?” A.J. Smith: “It looks that way to me. After all, what Jack wanted, Jack got. He was the president. If he wanted to get the side of his head blown off, hey, who’s gonna stop him?” Jerry Ford: “But doesn’t it seem odd to you that the President could manage to do all this without anyone knowing?” A.J. Smith: “Hey — anyone who could sneak Marilyn Monroe into the White House and fuck her in a closet is certainly capable of hiring a couple of two-bit killers on the sly, don’t you think?” Jerry Ford: “Well, you’ve convinced me, Mr. Smith. I don’t think we need to hear any more witnesses. This case is closed.”
NY TIMES: “Breathtaking Detective Work!” WASHINGTON POST : “At Last - the Truth!” WALTER CRONKITE: “I never believed that lone-nut assassin garbage.” CHICAGO TRIBUNE: “‘JFK Had Self Shot’ - Commission ‘Of Course’ Agrees Trib Editor”
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