A short video sketch with some
adult content.
3/10/07: I have rewritten this in the light of the comments received so far. Thanks in particular to Bottleblondesurfer for her suggestions, which I have now incorporated into this piece.
Two Mexican banditos arrive at a small market town. Nobody takes much notice as they swagger up the main street, except for a WOMAN of about 30 with a haunted look in her eyes. When she sees the men she appears agitated and spits aggressively at the ground. She then starts to follow them.
The banditos go on to the market and stop at a fruit and veg stall.
One of the men, CARLOS, draws his pistol and fires a couple of shots overhead. There are screams from the crowd but his companion MARIO tries to reassure the man at the stall.
MARIO
No worry, my brother a goood man. He mean no harm. Hee eess mute coss tongue not work. Had meestake with superglue in acting of cunnylleengus. Now he talk wi' gun. I translate. He say 'Hi'.
CARLOS spots a mother and baby among the bystanders. There are gasps of horror as he points the gun at the infant.
MARIO
(Stuttering)
EE-ee-ees alright! He no shoot.
MARIO gestures to CARLOS with a movement of his head and he lowers the gun.
MARIO
(Visibly relaxing)
He askeeng for packeet of bebby corn.
The STALLHOLDER gets the baby corn and puts it in a carrier bag. MARIO nods his approval. CARLOS then points the gun towards a neighbouring lingerie stall, and aims at a particularly naughty large-cupped bra which is on display there.
MARIO
My brother want 2 deleeshose maylorns.
(Chuckling lasciviously)
Ha ha firm and juuuicy. He have goood taste!
The STALLHOLDER gives a sigh as he picks out two large melons and puts them in the bag. CARLOS looks around and points the gun at a calendar which is pinned to another stall.
MARIO
I theenk he wan' deets. He like very much, iss goood for bowel. Sweet and fresh if you pleease!
The STALLHOLDER scoops up some fresh dates and wraps them in a paper bag before putting them into the carrier bag.
The camera briefly cuts to the group of onlookers. We see the WOMAN watching unnoticed from the back of the group. The expression on her face is one of contemptuous astonishment.
CARLOS points the pistol at the sun and fires, raising his eyebrows twice.
MARIO
Carlos say he want cheellees. Hot ones, ha ha ha!
The stallholder picks out some chillies and adds them to the other items.
STALLHOLDER
Anything else, Sir?
CARLOS fires 3 shots in the air.
MARIO
That eess all, for now. Thank you. We pay later. Nor hard feeleengs, heh?
STALLHOLDER
(Reluctantly)
Not at all.
He passes the carrier bag to MARIO. The camera zooms out to reveal the WOMAN now approaching the brothers. CARLOS sees the look in her eyes and hurriedly points the gun at her.
Unfazed, she continues and comes to a halt just in front of him. We hear a click of the safety catch but she takes no notice and gives him a hefty slap on the face. CARLOS visibly crumples and mutters something unintelligible as he lowers the gun, trying to plead with her.
WOMAN
(Angrily)
You filthy, lying, useless peeg!
(Spits in his eye)
That is for promise of attachment and cement of relationship.
(Slaps his face again)
That is for being fake gangster... you hopeless! You just big cat. Even your gun shoot blanks.
The WOMAN grabs the pistol off CARLOS and shoots at MARIO. Luckily for him she's right about the blanks.
WOMAN
That means you fired, Meester Tranlator Man.
MARIO
(Looking confused)
Uhh?
WOMAN
You no get, heh?
MARIO
You cannot...
WOMAN
No? Why you buy groceries then?
MARIO
Coss... he always buy food.
WOMAN
That what he want?
MARIO
Yehh, off cooursse.
WOMAN
No, estupido! Iss wrong. You no comprend?
MARIO
No...?
WOMAN
Your brother no wanting food. He trying to say he want hot date with sexy babe!
The WOMAN throws down the gun and walks away in disgust.
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Written by Phil (6688 comments posted) 24th September 2007 | Script flowed well, liked the set up, enjoyed the visual nature. The end let it down a little - being on the corny side. Might just be me.
There's a possible long running sequence/series of sketches here featuring a pair of inept bandits who are brought down to size. I reckon it has potential.
Phil. | Hi LIA
Written by jean.day (2266 comments posted) 25th September 2007 | | I enjoyed reading this. It was easy to visualise the action, and it was funny. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 25th September 2007 | Good choice, you can't go wrong with Mexicans. I like the idea of shopping at gun-point, as a Mexican version of Makaton language,really crazy. I think,maybe you could have done more with it, it's a great concept. I'd like to have seen some OTT accents "Whee don neeeed no steeekin maylorns" If your'e doing Mexican might as well go for broke.
As Phil said, it flowed well and created strong visual images. I, too, think the end was a bit weak. I think the punchline should have followed on from the main concept as you'd set it all up, and then brought in another ending
The firing blanks gag wasn't orignal enough for such a quirky and orginal idea. Endings are a bugger, I grant you. I struggle with them
Good Fun
Jane |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 26th September 2007 | Thanks Phil, Jean and Jane. I'll rack my brains for a better ending but can't promise anything! Punchlines aren't exactly my strong point. I'm glad you liked the rest of it.
Cheers,
Ben
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Written by coosh (854 comments posted) 5th October 2007 | | Visually, as with so much Mexican-style material, this is easy to picture and the script is entertaining. I can't help feeling you should keep simplifying it (and it's probably driven you mad already)... into Spaghetti Western meets a Two Ronnies shop sketch. I don't think you need to explain it... the guy just points the gun, and the stallholder immediately understands the groaning pun(calendar = dates, etc.)... or the other guy translates with simple one or two word explanations. I thought it was going to end up with him pointing the gun at some infertile woman with the figure of Posh Spice, and getting spare ribs and scrambled eggs... no, sorry, I ain't got a better ending. But this is worth you coming back to at some point. |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 6th October 2007 | Thanks for your comments Coosh. I did think of bringing it indoors to make it a shop sketch. I think it would then be quite a different piece of work, and worth coming back to later as you suggest. In the meantime I'll try and simplify this a bit.
| Endings
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 7th October 2007 | OK now I'm nervous. Don't pay any attention to me.What do I know.
I did think this version "felt" more like a Script and read much better. It's still a great idea and the execution and dialogue is better but the ending doesn't quite pay it all off.
I like Coosh's version, and as he has had a go, I'll try. It''s not as funny but it does try and tie it together, sometimes you can't always end on a killer gag.
The WOMAN grabs the pistol off CARLOS and shoots at MARIO. Luckily for him she's right about the blanks.
She aims the gun at MARIO'S crutch and fires off shots.
When the smoke clears no-one has been hurt.
The stallholder wraps up a bunch of grapes and hands it to the woman
"Here you are"
"What are these for,you crazy man?"
"I thought you just ordered seedless grapes"
Just a thought - it's really a very good sketch, just needs an ending
cheers
Jane
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Written by coosh (854 comments posted) 7th October 2007 | | ... or, it doesn't contain blanks, and he gets a small packet of roasted nuts... |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 8th October 2007 | Thanks again Jane and Coosh. My problem now is I've got so close to this piece it's getting difficult to judge what's funny. I like your suggestions but it wouldn't be enough to just tag on a new ending - I'd need to work back as well. I think it makes sense to put it aside for a bit and return to it later.
Cheers. | Some fresh eyes
Written by Levi (31 comments posted) 23rd November 2007 | Hey
Enjoyed this - well-formatted, clear scene directions, very visual and some great dialogue. Again - as mentioned above - with this sort of punchline, the audience really has to think about all the preceding events to work out WHY it's a joke, before they can laugh at it which somewhat dampens the impact. Either that, or they cotten on to the fact all his demands are innuendos anyway, and anticipate the punchline. Moreover (and I hope I'm not seeming overly critical) the jokes throughout the script - besides the characters themselves - aren't quite funny enough to justify the length.
I think what you have is the beginning of a sketch and, now you've established the fact he's gesturing in cryptic innudendo, go from there, adding the suggested one-liners above and ending on either one massive and clever phrase, or twsiting the whole thing so - for example - after pointing at all the lewd nonsense possible, it's revealed he's ACTUALLY after something trivial.
Anyway, just some suggestions. As I say, it's a fun idea and well worth pursuing.
Jon |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 24th November 2007 | Thanks Jon, you certainly seem to know your stuff. I'll have to come back to this at some point and you've given me a few ideas to work on.
Cheers,
Ben |
Written by Fledermaus (3248 comments posted) 24th November 2007 | Hahahaha. Good one! Although I agree with the rest that the end was a bit weak compared to the beginning. The mellons were brilliant, provided that he did want mellons  |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 25th November 2007 | | Thanks Fled. I've been having a think about the characters, particularly that of Carlos. Hopefully that will give me some ideas for a better ending. |
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