ANYONE FOR CARDS?
PC.Theo Loved card games and once a week he would go down to the special room at the Social Centre where he would meet up with his friends. He and 2 of his mates had formed what they called Theo's Card Club. In addition to Theo there was his male friend Rankin and a lady friend that they called Pinkie. Though Rankin and Theo formed a permanent partnership, Pinkie would bring along a new lady guest to partner her for the night. Pinkie had infiltrated several august bodies, which included the WI, WITZO and a Writers Group. She was thus never short of a partner and in fact was booked up for at least 10 weeks ahead.

The room that they played in was quite unexceptional; in its centre was a small baize-topped table, four chairs and over the table was a low-slung centre light. The Waterbed was I suppose a little out of place as was the chair that you could be strapped into and which like the one at the dentists could be adjusted into a range of positions. The stocks were quite difficult to explain away as were the manacles that hung down on chains and which could be pulled almost up to the ceiling. A Gilbert and Sullivan Opera Company run by one of Theo's other mates, who Theo nicknamed Tone Deaf, also used the room so that probably explained everything. Theo went to football with Tone Deaf but that is another story.

PC. Theo loved his uniform and sometime he'd wear it in bed. However on Card Club Nights he also wore his Anne Summers rubber Long Johns. They unfortunately creaked as he walked. His wife would look suspiciously at him. He always said to her that he must cut out the curries as they caused him some embarrassing moments. He would then flee the house before she questioned him.

Rankin was dressed in modest clothing but underneath was a web of chains and piercings that connected various parts of his body together. In case there are those of a nervous disposition listening or reading I'll not go into any further detail.

Pinkie was quite restrained. She wore sensible clothes under which there was nothing more exotic than a Bask. It was fitted with little flickering lights that seemed to run towards the undergarments strategically placed peepholes.

Her guest for the night, the chairperson of a Writer's Group was dressed in a long coat that reached her ankles. However it was found out subsequently that all she wore underneath was a thong that was wider than normal and resembled a zipper.



They all met up about 7.50 and after the usual civilities they bought in an evening's worth of short drinks. There was a bottle of Rum for Rankin, a litre of Gin for Pinkie, and for Theo a 2-litre bottle of Dandelion and Burdock. The guest had brought her favourite tipple. It was a blend of East European Meths with just a hint of MEK (Methyl Ethyl Keytone), which she claimed was not unlike Sloe Gin.

They then went into the room and sat down. The 2 men faced each other across the table and the 2 women thus also faced each other. They cut the pack for the right to deal. Rankin won and dealt 1st to Pinkie then to Theo, then to the guest, and finally to himself. He continued until each person had 13 cards. They pushed their cards into tidy piles but left them face down.

The game started when Pinkie turned over her top card and laid it face up on the table it was a 2, Theo turned his top card over and put it down on the table it was a queen, the guest's card was a seven, Rankin's card was also a 7 and he shouted out "Snap". The others quickly banged the table but Theo was not quick enough and so being last he stood up and gravely removed his helmet, which he languidly threw onto the Dentists Chair. He had thus staked his claim.

Rankin collected together all the cards that had been laid during that round of play. He put them face down on top of his pile of cards, which he then shuffled. His next move was to get up and remove an item of clothing from each of the opposition partners. That was when they found out about the zipper. Furthermore Pinkie had to turn off her lights as they were dazzling Theo and would put him off his game. I'll think I'll draw a veil across any further happenings but it must be said that a good time was had by all. I'll not name that night's particular good time for fear of being sued for deformation of character.

But I will add that I have finally got myself onto the supplementary male members list. I am number 17 and should either Theo or Rankin not be available then a number will be drawn out of a hat and its lucky owner will get to play.

Just one final thing, anyone for cards?

UP THE O'S.
Theo drew up outside his mate Tone Deaf's house. The pair of them was going to Football. Though Theo had used a company car he was not in uniform. This had not stopped him from switching on the siren and the flashing lights. He was wearing his "Dr. Martins" Boots, torn jeans, a red football shirt and four scarves. One tied round his neck, one tied to each of his wrists and one tied round his head. He had adorned his body with stick on studs and piercings.

There were the remnants of face paints. Theo's wife had refused to let him go out of the house with his face painted a bright red, so he had had to remove it but odd patches remained.  There was a touch of paint on his right cheek, his eyebrows were tinged red and he had forgotten entirely to clean his left ear. The sound of the siren had alerted Tone to the fact that Theo had arrived. Tone shouted to Theo" turn that bloody siren off and the lights". The 2 men then got into Tone's car.

Theo was very quiet. Normally he would be rehearsing his favourite terrace chants, gesturing at other motorists and urging, "Do the Ton Tone". Well he was "off duty". But today he just sat there sound and motionless. Tone switched the car's CD player on and selected one of his head banging favourites. I think it was the Doyle Carte version of The Pirates of Penzance. One of the highlights of the outward journey was the singing of a "Police man's lot". Theo took the base line and Tone the tenor part. However they usually ended up singing in unison. Not a peep could be got out of Theo and he refused point blank to "tarantara, tarantara" along with Tone.

"Come on Theo" said Tone" what is the matter?" Tone was a very sensitive soul so he asked "was it a man's problem?"  " No said Theo, the V on those blue tablets I take stands for Vitamin Enriched."

"What is the matter with you?" Shouted a by now, very exasperated Tone.

Theo broke his silence. "Last night in the middle of one of my favourite programmes the screen went blank. I was not too worried as I have NTL and that happens about twice a day. I checked by changing channel and the other channels were all right. When I went back to the Channel I had been watching there was a message. It said Live T.V. had ceased broadcasting. So much for culture! Live T.V. was very strong on sport, educational matters, art and home economics."

 Tone had to laugh. "Theo who are you kidding it was a soft porno-channel. For example the only sport you watched was Topless Darts. I suppose the educational programme would have been "Strip Masterbrain. The only art programme involved two girlies wearing nothing but thongs covering each other in paint and then rolling around a canvas. The final shots showed the two of them in the shower cleaning each other up. As for home economics I suppose that you are referring to Topless/Bottomless Ironing?"

"You may scoff" said Theo " but I'm a broken man reduced to watching "Men and Motors" or worse still snatching the 10 minutes "free play before they encrypt" that you get with the Adult Channels."

The journey to the O's seemed to take forever.
But an hour later there they were parked up and walking down to the ground, munching away at chips and a sausage in batter. Tone thought to himself, God help us if we lose this match: Theo's going in the boot. Thank god they won 2-1 and Theo was back to his normal self and chanted throughout the journey home-"Orient, Orient, we won 2-1,  so glad that we went". "Orient, Orient, we won 2-1 it was heaven sent."

THEO GOES TO A WRITERS GROUP
Theo told his mate Tone Deaf that something was missing from his life. He continued there must be more than just playing cards and going to football.

Tone agreed and suggested that Theo came with him to one of the writers' groups that Tone regularly attended.

Yes please said Theo I bet there's loads of them arty/crafty birds just gasping for a bit of rough!

Tone replied well not really it's a bit more cerebral than that.

 But Theo was not listening. He told Tone that he loved blue stockings and suspenders, and whalebone corsets, oh Tone when is the next meeting.

Tone thought of the 5 groups that he was acquainted with and decided which one least failed to match Theo's unrealisable dream.  Right said Tone, come round my house in two days time and have tea with us, then I'll take you to a suitable meeting but it will be nothing like you have imagined.

The next day Theo was called in to see the new Station Officer, she told him that he was not going to get his Panda Car back not now, not ever. He was lucky he was not sacked. Fancy driving up and down the High Street sirens blazing, lights flashing and loudly chanting football songs over the car's PA system! Theo attempted to defend himself and his actions.

He said, I was told Maam that the Police should have a higher profile and a more user friendly image. She quickly responded, be that as it may, you will not be allowed to drive a car again. Now you're supposed to be the Community Policeman what are you actually doing to interface with our customers?

Theo ran through a number of things, but when he saw she was unimpressed he quickly added that he was getting involved with local literary groups. He added I've written a Poem, shall I read it to you Maam. She shook her head, no thank you; and don't slam the door on your way out.

Theo loved his uniform so much that he wore it whenever he could. He wondered whether he should also wear his Anne Summers' Kinky Rubber Long Johns but decided against it partly because he thought that the sophisticated nymphet that he would meet would think it cheap and vulgar and partly because it creaked when he walked.

He cycled to Tone's house and had his tea. Over tea they discussed the concept of the bobby on the bike on the beat. Theo was against it. A fortnight ago these yobs were attacking a granny. He'd cycled up, jumped off and chased the yobbos, when he'd turned round the old girl had nicked the bike and he'd watched her cycle off down North Street.

A few days later, he'd gone into a "domestic", this time he'd locked the bike up. When he'd settled the dispute between the pair of them he'd come out and found that somebody had stolen the wheels, saddle and handle bars. If he parked it at the Police Station he'd always find that some wag had let the tyres down.

Right said Tone lets get going.

They were the first to arrive and to ensure that no false conclusions are drawn the pair of them were either in a Pub or a Room/Hall located in a municipally owned building.

All characters barring Theo and Tone are completely fictitious and bear no relationship to any living persons. Honest! The others arrived over a period of 20 minutes.

The group's leader, lets call her Ink Well Monitor welcomed Theo and got him to introduce himself. Now either within 10 minutes or 2 hours or somewhere in between, the members started reading. It finally got to Theo's turn. Through force of habit he stood up, put on his Helmet and fished in a breast pocket for his note book. He then started to read, "I was proceeding in an orderly manner, when I apprehended a group of persons claiming to be a writer's group. I approached them and said I should like to read them a poem what I've written. It's called;
Plod, Plod, Plod
Plod, Plod, Plod
On the paving stones O feet!
What I'd give for a bacon sarnie
And a cuppa, two sugars sweet.

O well for the Panda boys
As they chase the speedsters all day,
O well for the deskbound sergeant,
Filing all sorts of paper away

And the stately Chief Inspectors go on
In a manner just like you see in the Bill,
But O for the touch of a steering wheel
And the sound of a siren now still.

Plod, Plod, Plod
Oh my aching feet agony!
Without a car that tender Grace what works in the café,
Will never come back to me.

As Theo was sitting down, the Praying Mantis struck.

She said, just a few points, you must never use a word several times in the same sentence. So it should be, Plod, Pace, Pound, etc. And don't you think that policemen and feet are a bit of a cliché?

IWM joined in and agreed; you must always avoid clichés, and repeating words. She repeated for emphasis the word always. She finished by saying that your writing should be as fresh as a daisy and be like a breath of fresh air.

Tone burst out laughing; you can't see the wood for the trees, or the trees for their leaves. Theo you've astonished me that is a very amusing parody.

Theo looked blankly back at Tone and said no Tone it's a poem not a parody whatever that is.

The meeting broke up and Tone and Theo shot off home. Theo said that one thing was puzzling him which one of them was wearing the Blue Stockings?